Stay Down Here Where You Belong

Roland Saint-Laurent Vs. The Spanish Language, Take 27

2011-10-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Spanish has always been a language that has confounded and tormented me. Throughout my life, it’s always been there, creeping on me and laughing in my face. My dad’s Mexican, with English as his second language. Half of my family is Mexican and speaks Spanish, with a large number of them completely monolingual in Spanish. For whatever reason, none of them ever saw fit to speak to me exclusively in Spanish, at least to the point where I’d gain some basic, rudimentary understanding of the language. Therefore, when I took my first Spanish class in high school, I was diving in fresh, the same as the Chinese kids who were in there. The only things I retained from that class were a stupid rhyme we did to practice vowels, the alphabet, some numbers, and the memory of seeing my alcoholic Spanish teacher pouring a clear liquid from one container into his bottle of orange juice.

The next time I took Spanish was a couple years later at a community college. It was a summer class and was four hours per day, due to the shortened schedule. Aside from learning the basics in that class, one of the biggest memories I have is how immature everyone was there. The students seemed to be in that middle period, where they still have that high school attitude but are transitioning into college douchebags. In addition to hearing a rock en español Smiths cover, my biggest memory is of doing my final presentation on lucha libre and showing a clip from a Santo movie as a demonstration of Mexican wrestling excellence.

All this time I was still kind of half-assing it. I took Spanish 2 during another semester, and that’s when I really started learning the language. I like to think of this as the peak of my Spanish learning life, because not only was I learning more of the structure of the language, but I was also trying really hard at this point, and even had small conversations with coworkers. I was rocking some flashcards, writing translations to ridiculous sentences I could think up, and was basically ramming information into my head. Most of what I maintained was from those classes and that period of time, and a lot of it stuck with me, even when I abandoned Spanish and plunged head-on into French.

The last proper Spanish class I took was probably ten years ago, but in the time since then I’ve listened to audio courses and have done some independent learning. I can understand a decent amount of spoken Spanish, but if I didn’t stop, I don’t have any doubt that I’d be fluent by now. I don’t regret learning French, but I do regret not at least making a consistent, daily effort to learn at least one new thing in Spanish every day. Those days would add up and I’d be in a much better position than I am now.

My goal is to be fluent by the end of next year. Even if it doesn’t happen, just trying for it leaves me in a better position than I’m in now with the language. Right now I’m watching a ton of El Chavo shows because 1) it kicks ass, and 2) it’s Spanish for Spanish speakers and I’m actively trying to understand it because I want to get more of the jokes. I’ve also been listening to the Michel Thomas programs and transcribing the sentences by hand, which has helped me retain them a hell of a lot better than just listening to them. I’m not really interested in going over the grammar books again, but there are a bunch of constructions that I forgot, and I’ll be consulting my Idiots Guide to Intermediate Spanish to brush up on them, especially the conditional and subjunctive. I’m also going to read for pleasure and not try to stop and define every single word. Because I already read the books and know the plots, I’m going to read the Harry Potter series in Spanish. They were an impulse buy years ago, and I’m glad I still have them. Finally, I’m going to read, and re-read, and re-read again my all-time favorite language learning book, Breaking Out of Beginner’s Spanish. This book is so great that I wish there was a version for French and every other language I’m interested in.

Can I be fluent by the end of next year, or will I puss out again? Stay tuned!

The Library is Dying

2011-09-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted much here lately about libraries (or much of anything else, to be honest), but some major things have been happening due to the city’s budget being a black hole and services being chopped left and right. Though I’ve stayed fairly optimistic about the matter, I’ve heard that things have gotten to the point that a substantial number of full-time employees are going to get the axe, mainly due to their benefits and higher salaries. If my understanding of matters is correct, that means that part-timers such as myself will be able to keep our jobs, but will more than likely have to take on more responsibilities as resources continue to be stretched thin.

I have tried to be realistic about this instead of bitching about how unfair it is and how the city doesn’t care about the library. If the city doesn’t have money, then there’s really not a whole lot that can be done. At one point the library was a hair away from being outsourced to a private company, which would have meant everyone re-applying for their jobs, more than likely with massive pay cuts. As a city library, there was also the possibility of it being incorporated into the county system, which would definitely have meant people having to take pay cuts (I worked for the county at one point and know how much they pay). That was avoided as well, but the solution we ended up with, the library still being operated by the city but with huge numbers of people losing their jobs, is not really that much better than the other two options. Basically the library had their choice of three terrible options, and either one that they would have picked would have screwed people over.

This may have been avoided, though, if people either knew about it or cared. As employees we were told to keep our mouths shut, since telling patrons about our situation would have been “unethical” and grounds for termination. Thus, the people who in all likelihood could have prevented the library’s budget from getting hacked to shreds, the patrons, were left in the dark about it all, while the library went understaffed and staff members became overworked in the rare occasions that they were called in. They were left to wonder why service at the library got so bad so fast, why desk staff hardly ever got up to help them out, why they were told to do everything themselves, and why policy changes were never followed consistently by staff.

I have not worked at the library for over a month now. Other staff members have had to take on second jobs because they’re not getting the income they need to pay the bills. I even heard a rumor that my boss, the head of the current library that I work at, has also put in applications at other libraries. At my previous branch, we were frequently under the threat of libraries being closed due to budget issues, but at the last minute people like the Friends of the Library would swoop in and save the day. Right now, that’s not something likely to happen.

The people who know me personally know the situation I’m talking about. Anyone else who has come here, either from an outside link or from reading my book, is just as oblivious about my library as our patrons are. I’m writing this not to try to convince people to save my library, but to let people know that libraries as expendable now, and likely to lose funding when a crisis hits. If you use your library or care about libraries, support them. Check out some books, make some donations. With Netflix jacking up their prices, you can always find good new and old movies at your library, typically for free. If you like your local library, tell people and encourage them to go. Let your representatives know that the library is important to you and not easily disposed of. There are real people that will be affected by this, from my friends losing their jobs, to low budget and homeless patrons losing the chance to look for work via our internet service or just escape from reality for a few hours by reading a book for free, not to mention the kids who will no longer have a storytime program to go to. My library may be falling apart, but that doesn’t mean that yours has to as well.

Welcome to Thailand!

2011-09-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

In a way that hasn’t happened since I first picked up a France Gall CD and discovered the world of French pop, I have fallen head over heels in love with a new style from another country, but one not as familiar and vastly more difficult to understand. I am officially in love with Thai pop music.

I don’t pretend to know anything about Thai music, only the rudimentary bits that I’ve picked up from online research and reading the liner notes of the CDs I’ve purchased. Unlike French pop, which should be immediately accessible to people who can get past the retarded notion of not wanting to listen to something sung in a foreign language, the Thai pop CDs I’ve purchased definitely have their own unique sound, and the singing does take some getting used to, as it includes yodeling and vocal inflections that you just don’t get in Western music.

As it is, I feel like an asshole referring to it all as “Thai pop,” which I mainly do as a convenient shorthand. Most of what I’ve been listening to is I believe called Luk Thung, and is a mixture of Thai country music styles with American soundtracks and country music. But then when I do further research, I also see some of this stuff referred to as Thai pop, so I don’t feel as bad anymore. Whatever it’s called, the hipper record labels like Sublime Frequencies and Soundway Records have released albums of this stuff, and it has an exotic beauty that’s both hard to describe and even harder for me to resist.

Because of how enthralled I am with this music, I plan on reviewing some of these albums in the future. But for reference, here’s a list of available collections of Thai pop/Luk Thung albums. You should be able to get some of them on Amazon or at your local hip record stores. Brief comments are provided for albums I’ve heard enough to have an opinion on:

Thai Pop Spectacular This is the first Thai pop album I purchased, and the opening track “Roob Lor Thom Pai” by Buppah Saichol is one of the sexiest fucking songs I’ve heard in recent memory. There’s a generous helping of comedy on this album, but songs like the opener, the Onuma Singsiri track that immediately follows, and Chailai Chaiyata’s “Kwuan Tai Duew Luk Puen” make this album an essential purchase.

Siamese Soul - Thai Pop Spectacular 2 A worthy sequel. It took me slightly more time to get into it, but it’s a fantastic album and leaves me hoping Sublime Frequencies puts out a third part sometime soon. The closing track by Ubon Pattana reminds me a lot of the Velvet Underground’s first album.

The Sounds of Siam, Leftfield Luk Thang, Jazz & Malam in Thailand Though I started off with Thai Pop Spectacular and still consider that an excellent disc to start with, this one is much more consistent, has less comedy, and is pretty much incredible the whole way through. Also, it spans more genres and gives you a broader view of Thai music, but with those Western influences we all know and love. You may want to start with this one. Like the poster for Citizen Kane says, “It’s Fantastic!”

Thai Funk Zudrangma Vol 1 & 2 Limited edition CDs that I’ve so far only heard a couple of tracks from, but goddamn are those tracks great. Looking forward to diving into this set soon.

Luk Thung! The Roots of Thai Funk From the same series as the above, this one’s pretty incredible...at least from what I’ve heard so far. I lucked out and got this for a measly $10 at Ameba. It was a used copy, so I guess the buyer wasn’t as impressed by Thai music as I am. I’m most anxious to hear this one next, as the songs I heard rocked my socks off. Too bad the bamboo packaging makes it impossible to put in any CD cabinet you may have.

Thai? Dai! The Heavier Side of the Luk Thung Underground I’ve only heard part of a track from this collection, and it was a riff from Black Sabbath’s Iron Man. Holy shit! If this is a heavy metal variant on Thai music it’s going to make for an interesting listening experience, to say the least.

Shadow Music of Thailand If I remember correctly, shadow music is a genre of Thai music that was heavily influenced by instrumental rock bands. I hope there’s some singing on this collection, but as long as the music’s good and it doesn’t sound too Western, I’ll be happy.

Thai Beat a Go-Go Vol 1-3 I heard these years ago, and while they were enjoyable, they did seem to lean heavily on cover versions of hit songs, and the sound was much more Western than either of the Thai Pop Spectacular CDs or The Sounds of Siam. I’m going to go through these again, and now that my ears are more refined, I’m hoping that they’re more Thai than I remember them being.

Molam: Thai Country Groove From Isan 1 & 2 I own vol. 2 and I had a hell of a time getting into it. Unlike the other CDs I’ve heard, I remember this one being VERY Thai and much more folk than the other volumes. Much like the Thai Pop a Go-Go series, I’m going to re-listen to it along with the first volume and see what I missed the first time around. I briefly listened to one of the tracks from it and it was a lot more rockin’ than I remembered.

Radio Thailand Transmissions from the Tropical Kingdom: I don’t know much about this series, but I believe this these “Radio” discs are put out by Sublime Frequencies and are recordings of actual radio broadcasts, complete with DJs and commercials. I’ll definitely be listening to this one, but my listening preferences for entire songs without filler put this one low on my priority list.

WTF, Roger Ebert?

2011-09-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

When I was a teen, I loved the comic book Spawn. So, in 1997, I was excited as fuck to see the film. As I watched it, every ounce of enthusiasm and joy started falling away, and I was shocked at the horrendous piece of shit I just witnessed. The special effects were pretty neat at the time, but I was mainly angry at the obnoxious, unfunny performance of John Leguizamo as the Violator. But I was a teenager then. Maybe now I’ll be less-harsh on it, with lower expectations and coming to it without loving the comic as much as I did. After all, I read Roger Ebert’s review of it, and he gave it his famous “thumbs up.” He called it “an experimental art film.” He praised Leguizamo’s “brilliant comic timing.” He called Spawn “an extraordinary superhero.” So high is his praise, in fact, that this is how he ends his review:

“So the way to view the movie, I think, is to consider the story as the frame--necessary, but upstaged by what it contains, which in this case is some of the most impressive effects I've seen. The disciplines blend into one another: Animation, makeup, costuming, process shots, morphing. They create a place and a look as specific as the places evoked in such films as ``Metropolis'' and ``Blade Runner.'' As a visual experience, ``Spawn'' is unforgettable.”

Wow. That’s some pretty high praise right there. Could I have been wrong? I typically respect Ebert’s reviews, so I checked it out from my library and watched it again.

Nope. It still sucks, and not even in a “I can understand how someone could really like this” way. No, it sucks in a “this is a horrible fucking movie that is impossible to like” way. And the special effects look really fucking bad, though I guess in 97 they might have looked amazing. But seriously...comparing it to Metropolis and Blade Runner? What the fuck? I don’t understand at all why Ebert loved this movie so much, since the plot and acting are fucking terrible. And Leguizamo’s “comic timing” is being overbearing, obnoxious, in-your-face, and making fart jokes. Ebert typically WOULD NOT let this degree of plot and acting slide for any other film. I just don’t fucking get it.

Ebert gave Spawn *** 1/2. That’s half a star shy of PERFECT. To compare, the following films in similar genres are not as good as Spawn, going by Ebert’s rating system:

The Matrix ***
LOTR Fellowship of the Ring ***
LOTR The Two Towers ***
(Only LOTR Return of the King is as good as Spawn, with *** 1/2.)
District 9 ***
Captain America ***
Iron Man ***
Batman **
Batman Returns **
Batman Forever ** 1/2 (no fucking way is the worst Batman film the best one in the original series)
Batman & Robin **
Thor * 1/2
Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan ***
Star Trek (2009) ** 1/2
X-Men ** 1/2
X2: X-Men United ***
X-Men First Class **1/2
Blade ***
Spider-Man **1/2
Brazil ** (I had to include this because WHAT THE FUCK, EBERT??????)
Superman Returns **

All of these films, by any sane viewer, are better than Spawn. Yes, even the shitty Batman movies. In fact, The Matrix, the LOTR trilogy, Iron Man, Batman, Star Trek II, X2, Brazil, and Spider-Man are undeniable classics in this fantasy/adventure genre.

Ebert also gave Cars 2 a ***1/2 rating. I just don’t get it.

Defending Annie Hall: Or, Clearing up the 50th Academy Awards for Nerds

2011-03-04T16:05:00.001-08:00

Annie Hall was, and is, a better film than Star Wars. This is coming from someone who just “likes” Annie Hall. In terms of enjoyment, I have to say that when I sit down and want to just watch a movie for fun, I’d probably pick Star Wars over Annie Hall because Star Wars is well-done mindless fun. I’d also prefer to relax watching Spider-Man over Citizen Kane, but there’s really no argument over which of those two is the “better” film. Fans tend to ruin fun things, though. A fun space adventure has turned into a weird Ayn Rand-esque cult, even though the entire series consists of two and a half great adventure films, and three and a half unbearable pieces of shit (the half and half is Return of the Jedi, of course). Because of the fanatical attachment that fans have with Star Wars, and because of it’s undeniable influence on pop culture and film, nerds snarl indignantly when they discover that Woody Allen’s romantic comedy Annie Hall beat out their beloved Star Wars for best picture during the 50th Academy Awards. Are you fucking serious?

First of all, this isn’t some bullshit like Dances With Wolves beating Goodfellas. If we were to go back, look at both films and “redo” who wins the Oscar, Annie Hall still wins, easily. In terns of science fiction, Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind wins, and it wasn’t even fucking nominated! See, the thing that a lot of tards have a hard time understanding is that there are certain core aspects of a film that determine whether or not it’s a great film. Among the most important are the script, the direction, and the acting. Let’s do a rundown of each, shall we?

The Script

It has been well-established by now that George Lucas lifted pretty much the entire story for Star Wars from such sources as the Hidden Fortress, Dune, and Flash Gordon series. But that’s fine, as long as the dialog is memorable. Star Wars, and every other film in this series, has some of the most cringe-inducing dialog known to film, including such winners as the following:

Darth Vader: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now *I* am the master.
Obi-Wan: Only a master of evil, Darth.
[lightsabers clash]

Sure, there’s a few memorable lines, but come on. Is anyone honestly going to say that the writing in this fucking movie is award-winning? It’s also been noted that much of the success of Star Wars came from other people meddling with it and demanding changes. When Lucas got total control over his films, he produced the prequels.

The writing in Annie Hall is smart as fuck, something that grown ups tend to like. There’s smart jokes (“Sylvia Plath - interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality), dumb jokes (the scene with the lobster) and, of course, sex jokes. Most actors would kill to be in a Woody Allen film, and much of his reputation is based on how clever his dialog is. As for the plot, the disjoined story telling was ridiculously inventive and influential for its time, something that few mainstream films had the balls to do. The next huge film to do something like this again was Pulp Fiction.

For the final word on George Lucas as a writer, here’s something Harrison Ford said to George Lucas after going over his dialog: “George, you can write this shit, but you can’t say it.”

The Direction

A lot of what made Star Wars great was the contributions from other people, contributions that did get recognition by the Academy. John Williams’ amazing score contributed so much to the film that it easily beat out his main competition...John Williams’ score for Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Star Wars also won for sound mixing, art direction, visual effects, and film editing, all categories that this film excelled in. Hell, if anything it got robbed for not even being nominated for best cinematography, but that’s neither here nor there. Star Wars is a movie you experience, and many of the key players in that experience did get the recognition they deserved. Lucas did a competent job directing the film, but still, a lot of those memorable scenes were taken from other sources. Those amazing space battles were taken from WW2 footage of dogfights. Much of the pageantry surrounding the Storm Troopers and Darth Vader were taken from Triumph of the Will. The lightsaber battles from samurai fights. Now, discrediting this would be like saying that Quentin Tarantino never deserved an award for his film, but we all know that Quentin actually knows how to work with actors, write a script, and come up with multiple creative ways to film a scene. Lucas’ previous film, American Graffiti, was a hit because of a script that he didn’t write, and his first film, THX 1138, was a boring, cold failure that hardly anyone likes. George Lucas as a director peaked with Star Wars, and really, what made that film so good was how outsiders tampered with his vision and used it as a springboard to be creative.

Woody Allen is a fucking movie-making machine, pumping out films every goddamn year. He’s done slapstick, romantic comedies, and dramas, and they all have that distinct Woody Allen stamp on them. You know when you’re watching a film of his, because his voice is that distinct. A lot of what’s great about his films comes from the writing, but his direction has always been top-notch as well. It might not be as exciting and flashy as Star Wars, but for what he sets out to achieve in his films, it works beautifully. There’s an intimacy you get with his films, and what makes Annie Hall so great is how he constantly involves the audience as being a part of what’s going on. The disjointed structure of the film also arguably turns the viewer into a character of sorts in this film, almost like Allen’s therapist. It’s ambitious, funny, and created the modern romantic comedy. And it’s a Woody Allen film.

The Acting

Star Wars has two good actors in it, and a great villain whose performance boils down to walking around like a scary man and having his lines overdubbed to sound menacing. Alec Guinness did a great job as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Harrison Ford was fantastic as Han Solo. Everyone else? FUCKING CARDBOARD. Another great Harrison Ford knock against this goddamn franchise was when, during an interview, he was asked if he’d ever play Han Solo again and he flat-out said “no,” but said he’d play Indiana Jones again in a heartbeat. Pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

As for Annie Hall, yeah yeah yeah, Woody Allen only plays one character, but so do most actors, and it works in this film. Diane Keaton did such a good job in this film that she’s been destined to play the same goddamn character in every movie since. Actors love working with Woody, and he gets some damn fine performances from everyone, from the main cast to the supporting players. Much of what makes Annie Hall work has to do with how the characters interact with each other, and with the audience. Comedy’s a tough thing to pull off, and only good actors can do clever dialog. Overall, the people in Annie Hall seem real. You can relate to what’s going on, and their characterization is strong enough that, while there are some neat tricks with the timeline and random cute gimmicks going on, nothing seems superfluous. It all fits. Give these characters wooden actors and the whole fucking thing crumbles apart.

In conclusion, I’d like to state once again that I really liked the first two Star Wars films, and think that Jedi had potential to be as good. Those first two films are masterpieces of escapism, only surpassed by Peter Jackson’s excellent work on the Lord of the Rings films. But Annie Hall was the better film. Better written, better acted, better directed, and arguably just as influential. And I don’t care how many “Woody Allen is a pervert!!! LOL” arguments you make, nothing he’s ever done, either in film or in his personal life, has ever been as bad as the fucking Star Wars prequels.

The end.

My Short Life as a Hot Dog Vender

2011-02-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

After the routine of going to school ended for me in 1998, I was hit with the realization that it was time to get a job. That prospect scared the shit out of me, but I went ahead and started putting in applications. I only remember a few places that I applied to at the time, but to give you an idea as to what was going through my head, one of them was Del Taco, another was one of those video stores that they used to have in various supermarkets (not a small wall of movies and a counter, but a full-on video store within the store, only slightly smaller than a stand-alone), and another was Hollywood Video. The last place I remember applying to was Wienerschnitzel. Unlike most people I know, I love eating at this place and have never once considered it anything other than delicious. The location I applied to was fairly close to my house, but was in a rather shady area. It was located next to the Home Depot and the Spearmint Rhino strip joint. Across the street were another couple of strip joints, one proudly proclaiming that it was an “Adult Book Store” (a girl in a creative writing fiction class that I took the next year worked at this strip joint, and I was shocked at how unexaggerated she looked). I was interviewed by the owner, who was a fat, gray-haired man that owned classic cars. Much to my surprised, I got a call shortly after the interview and was offered the job. I would be starting on a Sunday and then work various nights throughout the week. I was thrilled.

Before starting on this grand adventure I was given a purple t-shirt, a visor, and a videotape that was supposed to train me on the basics. The video was filled with “humor” and had an actor playing an asshole and the other actor playing a dimwit. I’m assuming this was done to make the training part simplified to such an extent that even an idiot could understand it. It was actually pretty charming in its own condescending way. When I started my first shift I was greeted by a woman who was going to start training me. She appeared to be in her late 20’s/early 30’s and constantly talked about certain things “selling like hotcakes.” She showed me how to wash the pots and pans in the back, where things were located in the gigantic freezer, and how to make the chili.

To make the chili, you grab a giant pot and unload a can of “chili sauce” into it. You then grab the frozen unsold hamburger patties from the previous night and start cutting them up with a large flat blade. Dump the old meat into the pot, add some water, and then stir the living shit out of it. Once everything is mixed together you place a sheet of plastic wrap over the top and drag it into the freezer. Surprisingly, this did not kill my appetite for their chili.

The scariest thing that I had to do, and I believe I only did it two times, was dumping out the hot fry oil. We had to carry the container over to the dumpster outside and tip it over to start pouring the oil into the dumpster, without getting burned by either the bottom of the container or by any of the oil potentially splashing on you. This was the only aspect of the job that terrified me, because I’m a pussy when it comes to getting burned by hot oil.

On my first day I got hit with the afternoon rush, and had to make over twenty chili dogs for a single customer. Since I was just learning how to do this shit, it was a pain in the ass. During the rush I remember dropping the tongs and not having the time to wash them due to the rush. The chili dogs were easy to make, and it took a short amount of time to learn the ropes of caramelizing buns, cooking burger patties, and preparing the chili. In those brief moments when it wasn’t busy I was told to make a few extra chili dogs and leave them wrapped and sitting under a heat lamp. Also, there was an area above the grill which was filled with steam to keep the hotdogs and hamburger patties hot. This steam burned my hand almost everytime I had to reach into it. At the end of my shift, because of how hectic the pace got, I accidentally spilled chili on my thumb and scalded the shit out of it. It was shockingly painful and I had to spend the next several hours at home with my thumb soaking in a cup of cold milk. So went my first day at my new job.

The next few days at work were less frantic but still unappealing. There was another manager who came in and was incredibly rude to me. She had a Deliverance face and breasts so large that it looked like she stuffed two footballs under her shirt. In fact, one skeezy guy called me over when this woman went to the back and said “she’s got big tits, huh?” That encounter was my first interaction with a patron, and 13 years later I have to say that very little has changed. That night ended with me seeing a mouse hauling ass between the seats, and I finally decided that I didn’t want to be there anymore. I asked the rude woman if it were at all possible to change my shift to mornings or afternoons, and her response was something along the line of, “you were hired to work nights, and if you don’t want to work nights, then tough.”

The cherry on top of it all was on another day when I bent down to grab a tray of buns and the back of my pants just ripped open in front of two female coworkers, one of them being the nice woman who trained me and the other being a classless girl with a face riddled with zits. Prior to this happening the zitty girl was doing a happy dance because she had the weekend off and her boyfriend was coming over to bang her. I was told to just go home for the rest of my shift and come in the next day. After three short weeks at this place, I decided that the world of fast food wasn’t for me. Maybe it was because I was a lightweight, but the job just defeated me. I called in and told the manager that I was quitting. After the expected “why are you leaving us?” conversation I was told to come in a couple days later to pick up my check from the owner and drop off my shirt and visor.

When I went in the owner went about everything like it was your average, everyday occurrence, which it was. He barely said a word to me and just wrote out my check, which turned out to be a pain in the ass to cash because it was a personal check and I had to go to some random Asian bank to get it cashed. The zitty girl who was so excited about getting boned gave me one of the meanest looks I’ve ever seen and let me know that because of me quitting she now had to work my weekend shift. I left Wienerschnitzel feeling a little relieved but at the same time disappointed that it took under a month to break me. It would be another month or so before I got a much better but also short-lived job at the post office, sorting packages by zipcode. It was seasonal work, so I didn’t feel like such a failure when that job ended.

I don’t know what happened to anyone who worked at this place after I left, but it’s gone now. A few years ago it was converted into a Starbucks, which for some reason seems out of place in this location. I looked up the owner online a bit ago, and found absolutely nothing. I’m guessing he’s no longer in the hotdog business and is content driving his classic cars and cheating on his wife. I, on the other hand, have not worked in fast food ever since, but I still eat at Wienerschnitzel on occasion and love it, despite knowing better.

A Partial Victory!

2011-02-09T19:54:00.001-08:00

Awhile back (actually May 13, 2008) I wrote a blog post asking people to go to the Turner Classic Movies website and vote for five unavailable Tennessee Williams film adaptations to be released on DVD. After voting for them over and over again, I gave up hope and resigned myself to taping showings of these films once they aired on TCM. I have seen all five movies now, and have enjoyed them to varying extents (even a shitty Williams film can’t be too bad due to his dialog), but I honestly haven’t thought about these films since getting my own copies to watch. Imagine my surprise when I went on Amazon to look up Tennessee Williams stuff and found out that two of these films were FINALLY available on DVD! That’s right, the 1961 adaptation of Summer & Smoke and Sidney Lumet’s gloriously trashy Last of the Mobile Hot Shots are now available to purchase, each being released last year. I placed my order today and am waiting with baited breath to crack these bad boys open.

Summer & Smoke was released by some company called Olive Films, and is in widescreen format. No extras are included and the cover art kinda blows, but who gives a shit? You can own it now! All of the flowery dialog and sticky sexuality is back! As for Last of the Mobile Hot Shots, this was released via that new “on demand” thing that I’ve seen on Amazon, where basically they don’t make a copy of the film until it’s ordered. Even though the price is pretty steep ($27 new, but I got mine for $13 used), it’s a fantastic idea for these kind of obscure films. Seriously, hardly anyone even knows this movie exists, but there is money to be made by catering to film snobs or those with ultra-obscure tastes by doing it on demand. I’m fucking thrilled that I can now own a copy of a movie that I’d probably never get a copy of otherwise.

By the way, when I wrote my last blog I hadn’t seen Last of the Mobile Hot Shots and had no idea why it was rated X. After watching it I can now say that the X rating is due to seeing a black lady’s tit, some cross dressing, and the implication that a white woman is going to have sex with a black man. Pretty fucking weak shit for an X rating, but that’s how things worked back then. Bring this film to the MPAA now and it’d get a PG-13 rating at most. Regardless, I really liked this movie, and have incorporated a quote from it into my love life (the line “we’re going to make that bed beg for mercy” or something to that extent).

Unfortunately, The 1950 version of The Glass Menagerie, Period of Adjustment, and Boom! are still unavailable. To that I have to say...you’ve gotta be shitting me. It’s Tennessee William’s 100th birthday this year, for Christ’s sake! Release the goddamn films on DVD already. MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

6 Reasons Why Kindergarten Was Fucking Awesome

2011-01-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

School life seems to go through a U-shaped development...or rather, a backwards J. Elementary school is typically the best time you're going to have in your free, public school education, junior high is a nightmare world of goblins and hormones, and high school is when things either improve or at least aren't as shitty as they were in junior high. With that in mind, I'm going to write this under the assumption that your peak enjoyment of school starts right off the bat in Kindergarten, and here are my reasons:

1. You can piss in your pants and it’s still OK.

This is the last time you will ever get away with peeing in your pants in school. Granted, other kids will laugh at you, but teachers will give you a little more leeway than they would in, say, 3rd grade. There's still the assumption that school is a new experience, and therefore accidents will happen. If you've been at it for a few years and you're still pissing in your pants, you're going to get some concerned looks and possibly a trip to the school shrink. Full disclosure: I never peed my pants in school, but a classmate did and we all got a good laugh out of it.

2. You get to watch cartoons of tall tales like Paul Bunyan and Johnny Appleseed.

American folktales are part of our heritage, and it is your duty as an American child to know who Pecos Bill, John Henry, and all these other people are. Well, not really, but teachers think you should know, and Disney cartoons of these figures were a staple of my Kindergarten experience because these figures are “important” and this therefore the cartoons were "educational". You also get to watch shit like "Ben and Me," which taught me the valuable lesson that if you're small and have little power, all of your ideas will be stolen by someone bigger with more influence.

3. Your teachers won’t scold you for scribbling when you’re coloring something. In fact, in some instances scribbling is encouraged.

The shrill cries of "STAY INSIDE THE LINES!!!" are less shrill at this point in your education, since teachers rightfully see you as barely able to walk without knocking things over, let alone hold a crayon straight.

4. Expectations in kindergarten are so ridiculously low that this is the only point in your educational life where it’s impossible to fuck up and be held back.

Everything you learn is so basic that you've already gone over it numerous times on Sesame Street. The main point of kindergarten, especially for those who never went to preschool, is to get kids adjusted to being away from home for several hours at a time, and getting used to the routine that's going to dominate the remainder of their lives. Also, the fun to work ratio is ridiculously skewed to the "fun" side, and that will change exponentially with each grade they move up.

5. Almost every new thing you get introduced to is amazing.

I remember nearly bursting with excitement the first time I saw a cornucopia, or a diorama. We read books like How the Spider Saved Halloween and they were awesome. People came to class in costumes to teach us neat shit about history. We even had a guy dressed up as an Indian come in and tell us about corn and shit. All the things that become "lame" as you age are mind-blowing when you're a kid.

6. If you have a really cool book filled with pictures of dinosaurs, you automatically become cool by default.

OK, so this one's a bit specific, but it still holds. I had a big dinosaur book that I brought to school one time. It was thick and had a ton of pictures of dinosaurs. As soon as I opened it up, it was like the Popularity Fairy sprinkled its dust on me, because people gravitated towards me to look at the book and became friends. This teaches you a lesson that you keep for the remainder of your life, for better or worse: owning nice things makes you a more important person. The first kid who had Super Mario Bros 3 suddenly had more friends wanting to go to his house. This creates happy little capitalists who high-five each other over their iPads and brag over the superiority of their cars. Wait a minute...maybe this isn't such a great thing about kindergarten. But still, my dinosaur book is better than yours.

2010

2010-12-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest pet peeves is that, every single time that the year starts coming to an end, I hear a bunch of people saying “I can’t wait until this shitty year is over.” Even though I’m sure it’s happened in the past, I can’t remember a time when a friend celebrated how great their year was, and how they’re looking forward to the new year not as wiping away the previous shitty year, but as continuing all the good stuff that happened in the passing year. Sure, things happened this year that were “unfortunate,” to put it lightly, but all in all, 2010 was a great year. At least, it was for me.

I try not to do this, but blogs are primarily a public diary of sorts. I have typically chosen not to use mine as such, but I’m going to make an exception for this. Here’s a rundown of why this year was great for me:

The year started with my dad turning 80. Even though his mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be, he’s still surprisingly active for a man of his age. His birthday party this year also gave me a chance to introduce my girlfriend Nelissa to pretty much everyone on my dad’s side of the family.

I came to the conclusion that Library Science wasn’t something I want to major in, and quit the SJSU MLIS program. This is big because the library has always been my safety net, and walking away from this is going to force me out of my comfort zone.

I was finally able to pay off my student loans. For the first time in seven years, I am completely debt-free. That debt kept me chained to my job because I was terrified of not being able to pay it off. There is really no way to adequately express just how fucking magnificent it felt to write the check that took it all away.

This was my final year in the CSUF Linguistics program. Shockingly, I was able to do a project on a subject that I love (language evolution), and I worked with someone who formulated, along with her colleagues at UCLA, a theory on language development that finally made perfect sense to me. I was able to do a paper that I was proud of, and that I feel can be backed up by evidence. I am more proud of this project than any other thing I have ever worked on, and when I go over it again, I’m surprised that I was able to do it. Plus, I passed the Comprehensive Exam and ended my MA program with straight As. The following week, I drove to work and was having a really bad day, and when I got there I discovered that my coworkers threw me a surprise graduation party.

I beat Mario Galaxy and Tetris!

The Lakers won championship again this year, this time against the Celtics. This victory was made so much sweeter in light of Paul Pierce’s “we ain’t coming back to LA” comments.

An interesting chain of small events happened that lead to something big. First, Scott’s wife Diana posted a link on Facebook to some site called “Far Beyond the Stars”. The article that was linked was called “27 Reasons Why You Should Never Have a Job.” I read it before I went to work and it planted a seed in my head that just kept growing. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew for a fact that I didn’t want to have a job anymore. In fact, when people would ask me what kind of job I was going to look for now that I graduated, I began telling people, “I don’t want a job anymore,” and I was dead serious about that. I told this to Scott during my work shift, and throughout the day we bounced around the idea of starting a publishing company. A few weeks later I was co-founder of a small business, and in a few months we have been more successful than I could have anticipated. I feel like there is a very real chance that, if it continues doing well, I could eventually live my dream of not having a job. This is very exciting to me, and it all started with a Facebook link. The lesson? Embrace the random.

In similar news, I was finally able to get some books published on Nook. At this moment, my combined personal eBook sales are doing well enough that, if I were laid off from work, I would be OK.

This year Nelissa and I decided to try to lose some weight. Before being sidetracked by my comp exam and project, I lost 35 pounds in around four months. Unfortunately I got lazy after I graduated and gained back close to 20 pounds, but now I know for a fact that I can lose it again. I’m still thinner now than I was the same time last year. That’s an accomplishment.

My entire life I’ve bought shitty, low-grade computers because I didn’t have the money for a good one. This year I upgraded to an iMac with a 27 inch screen, and I love owning a quality computer for the first time in my life.

On a similar note, I finally got rid of my old Wing phone and upgraded to the MyTouch 4g. This is my first Android smartphone, and I love it.

I finally went to Bombay Beach and saw all the old wreckage, and we also took another trip to Salvation Mountain (then Joshua Tree, Palm Springs, Cabazon, and Morongo). Best of all, Nelissa and I took our best road trip yet, driving to Colville, Seattle, Vancouver, Portland, and San Francisco all in the same trip. I came to the conclusion that, when there’s sun out, Washington may be the prettiest state I’ve seen.

I finally went to a Lakers game. It was against the Suns, and even though they lost, it was a lot of fun and something that I definitely want to do again.

I compiled every single library-related blog I’ve written into a book, and asked Scott to publish it as a free book on the iBookstore. It has been downloaded over 7,000 times and at its peak hit #2 on the free bestseller list. Also, all of the written reviews on the page have been positive.

So there you go. 2010 was a fantastic year, and set the bar high for me. I hope I can raise the bar even higher in 2011.

Alt Rock SmackDown! The Pixies Vs. Nirvana

2010-10-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

Kurt Cobain always wore his influences on his sleeve, and one of the most famous bands that he loved was The Pixies. In fact, Cobain has stated that Smells Like Teen Spirit was his attempt at making a Pixies song, and we all know how well that worked out for him. As a huge fan of both bands, I’m going to pit them against each other for no other reason than to jerk off over music I love. I’m just going to focus on their studio albums, since both released four albums each and it makes it easier to compare the two. While Incesticide is a b-side and outtakes collection and should therefore be pitted against The Pixies Complete “B” Sides album, I’m still going to treat it like a normal album, since it did spawn at least one big MTV hit, which is a pretty rare thing for an album of this type to do, and because it keeps the 4x4 format that I wanted. Sadly, this also means skipping The Pixies’ ep Come on Pilgrim, but it’ll have to do.

Surfer Rose vs. Bleach

As a fan of neat coincidences, both albums (if you count the CD issue of Bleach) have 13 songs each. Anyhow, aside from how great Nirvana’s debut is, Surfer Rose is an undeniable classic. It’s got some of The Pixies’ most famous songs (Where Is My Mind? Gigantic, Vamos, River Euphrates), and the entire album is what I like to call “a fun-filled romp.” What I particularly like is the little snippets of conversation and false starts included. It makes the album seem almost like The Beach Boys Party! Bleach is a really good album, but is a darker affair altogether. The most famous song from Bleach is About a Girl, though my favorites would be their first single Love Buzz and Floyd the Barber. While Surfer Rosa is a fun album, Bleach is full of metal-inspired sludge rock. And while I love their brand of sludge rock, there’s no fucking way it’s a better album. Plus The Pixies were just a stronger band all around, and their debut routinely beats the shit out of the best offerings by many other bands. And if I add Come on Pilgrim to the CD version like the Brits do, it’s no contest.

Advantage: The Pixies

Doolittle vs. Nevermind

Ah fuck. Once I started devising how I was going to pit these albums against each other, I knew that this would be the hardest one to do. While Doolittle isn’t my favorite Pixies album, it has by far the largest number of classic songs on it. In fact, if I just eliminate I Bleed from the line up, it has six of the best Pixies songs in a row. Thankfully, aside from Gouge Away, the album gets much weaker after those songs. La La Love You is perhaps the worst song The Pixies ever recorded, Silver and Hey are boring shit, and Crackety Jones just seems like Pixies-lite. Meanwhile, Nevermind has only one boring track; the album closer Something in the Way. If you remove that song, every single song on Nevermind is brilliant. That’s fucking unheard of. Yes, the second half of the album is just as great as the first half, even though the album is front-loaded with all the hits. I’ve particularly loved Drain You and On a Plain, but there you go. With one exception, Nevermind is a perfect album.

Advantage: Nirvana

Bossanova vs. Incesticide

I have never, ever liked Bossanova, and as someone who passionately loves The Pixies, believe me, I’ve tried. The song has only a couple songs that rock my ass off: the opening instrumental Cecilia Ann and the far too brief Allison. I like Velouria as well, and in the context of the rest of the album, it sounds like a classic. Rock Music sounds like one of those Gwar songs where Beefcake the Mighty has lead vocals. Shit like Dig for Fire and All Over The World just aren’t that great, and the majority of the album never rises above “meh” levels, even if Havalina is kinda pretty. Incesticide is a really interesting, since it’s got both sludgy Nirvana (Aero Zeppelin) and poppy Nirvana (Been a Son), as well as some interesting covers (TWO Vaselines songs! And a Devo cover!) The album as a whole is entertaining, because there’s also songs where it seems like the band is just fucking around. Seriously, what the hell is up with Beeswax? It also has a surprising number of classics for a b-sides/outtakes album, such as Sliver, Been a Son, and Aneurysm. Therefore, this was an easy choice for me, since I get more joy listening to Incesticide than Bossanova.

Advantage: Nirvana

Trompe le Monde vs. In Utero

Oh Trompe le Monde. Why do music critics hate you so much? This was the CD that made me a Pixies fan, so it holds a special spot in my heart. It’s also my favorite album of theirs, since I really enjoy the sound they were going for on it, and the opening track (Trompe Le Monde) is an amazing way to kick off the album. Add to that Planet of Sound, Alec Eiffel, an amazing cover of Head On, U-Mass, Bird Dream of the Olympus Mons, and Lovely Day, which sounds like they stole the guitar from Generation X’s Dancing With Myself and made a Pixies song with it, and you have one of the best “last albums” of all time. In Utero is more iffy. The only songs that I love from this album are Serve the Servants, Scentless Apprentice, Radio Friendly Unit Shifter, All Apologies, and maybe Milk It. Heart-Shaped Box was by far their worst hit, since the whole thing just sounds like a stretched-out intro. Dumb seemed like Polly all over again, just not as good, and Rape Me is a song so stupid that I want to yank Kurt out of his grave and punch him in the face for writing it. So we have my favorite Pixies album against the worst Nirvana album. I think you know where this is going.

Advantage: The Pixies

For this smackdown it doesn’t appear that there’s a winner, since they’re both going two for two. When I compare their worst albums (Bossanova vs. In Utero), Nirvana comes out ahead. This is also the case when I compare their best albums (Trompe le Monde vs. Nevermind). However, the first two Pixies albums are cumulatively better (just barely) than the first two Nirvana albums, and the same goes for their last two albums. If you discard the album format entirely and just pit the songs against each other, then I think that The Pixies were a much stronger band throughout their short run. In fact, when I added my favorites songs of each band to a playlist, Nirvana had 27 and The Pixies had 31. So by a measly four songs, we have a winner.

The Winner: The Pixies

Tune in next time for Jangle Pop SmachDown: REM vs. The Smiths!

Failure Walk With Me: How I Learned to Love and Hate Twin Peaks

2010-10-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I finally finished watching Twin Peaks, and I have to say that the entire experience was both fantastic and depressing. I didn’t watch the show when it first aired (and since I was 10 at the time, I probably wouldn’t have liked it), and when I became a huge fan of David Lynch in my teens, the show wasn’t readily available for me to watch. However, even though I never saw it in it’s initial run, I was always aware of what it was. Without seeing an episode, I knew that it was a murder-mystery about the death of some teenager named Laura Palmer, that it took place in a small town, that “damn fine pie” and “damn fine coffee” were somehow the catch phrases of the show, that there was someone named The Log Lady in it, and that it was weird. That’s all I knew and cared to know about the show when it first came on. Years later during my Lynch phase, I rented the VHS of his follow-up series “On The Air,” which I was only able to finish one episode of before turning the damn thing off. All that I remember from that show was a floating pair of scissors and Hatchet-Face from Cry Baby being in the cast. Since that show was a product of the Frost/Lynch team that did Twin Peaks, I can’t say that I had much of a desire to seek out the show.

I eventually found a VHS of the pilot on sale at some store and decided to give it a go. Unless pretty much everyone who loves the show, the pilot did nothing for me. It was the international pilot, by the way, which ended with Bob yelling some shit, and the dwarf dancing in the red room. What bugged me the most about the pilot was how shitty the acting was with most of the cast, the worst offender being Dana Ashbrook as Bobby. That, and the ending just pissed me off. I never bothered watching that tape again, and once again my potential interest in the show died off.

I’ve recently become a fan of TV again, and I love the idea of long story arcs. So I figured I would give the show a chance, with my more mature and forgiving tastes accepting the limits of what can and can’t be done on a TV show. I watched the original TV pilot, and my complaints still stood. A lot of the acting was shitty, and some of the characters, such as Andy and Audrey, were just flat-out annoying. However, I wanted to keep watching, because I heard that it was supposed to be great. When I watched the next two episodes, I was hooked. I don’t know if the following two episodes were “better” than the pilot, or if I just knew what to expect, but everything started to click for me. The second episode was such a punch that I still can’t believe this show was such a hit (for a time). The disgusting sleaziness of One-Eyed Jacks and the famous ending with the red room and dancing dwarf convinced me that I was watching something special, an anomaly in TV that may never be duplicated. Oh, about the red room...this is an instance of where a scene that didn’t work for me in one format worked in another. When it was tacked onto the international pilot, it felt like retarded bullshit that was just chucked in for the sake of being weird. In the second episode, it somehow fit. I know that it was filmed specifically for the international pilot and not the second episode, but it still worked better here.

After a few more episodes, I became a huge fan of this show. I started to love the characters, the story was great, and more importantly, I wanted my friends to watch it. This is always a sign that you’re watching something special. The only thing that damped my excited was that I knew all the baggage that came with this show. Through reading about it over the years, I knew who the killer was and that the show apparently goes downhill after the reveal. I stayed positive throughout though. It was great entertainment, and I started to like the characters enough that I was more than willing to watch them in whatever non-Laura Palmer plots they wind up in. The show was that good.

I haven’t discussed the characters yet, but I’ll just briefly state that Agent Dale Cooper is one of my favorite TV creations. He’s clean-cut in a way that isn’t retarded, and his excitement and wonder at the novelty of this small town is charming without being condescending. The Horne brothers were also far more entertaining than they had any right to be, and I fucking loved the obsession with food. Audrey eventually grew on me, and her transformation after what happened to her during her own investigation was fairly depressing, but it did a great job of making her less annoying than she was in those early episodes.

When I saw the episode where the killer was revealed, I was shocked. People bitched about how it was revealed, but in Lynch’s world, it made sense. It wasn’t so much who the killer was, it was how that information was revealed. I’m trying to keep this as spoiler-free as possible, so I’m not going to say who it is. However, the reveal is shown through one of the creepiest scenes I’ve ever seen in any format. It’s not so much that the scene is violent (and it has to stand as one of the most violent things to ever air on TV), it’s the combination of that violence with sadness and insanity, along with Lynch’s directorial tricks that make the scene longer and more devastating than I expected. I don’t remember how long the scene actually was, but fuck did it seem like a long time, and not in a bad way. It was one of those few times where my mouth fell open in shock, and I just looked blankly at the screen. It was that fucking good. The follow-up episode, where the killer is finally caught, was also pretty good, but not nearly as much as the previous episode. End the show there, and it would be remembered as one of the greatest shows of the 90s, if not of all time.

But of course, that didn’t happen. In the following episodes, there are a number of plots that are either boring (Cooper under investigation for crossing the border, James shacks up with some random lady) or insultingly retarded (eyepatch lady has superpowers and thinks she’s a teen, Andy keeps worrying about his “sperms,” there’s a kid that they think is a devil, blah blah blah). It was a chore watching the rest of the series, and I started dreading each new disc that came in (I was Netflxing the show). The humor was embarrassingly bad slapsticky shit that hasn’t been funny since the Three Stooges nailed that shit years ago. The focus shifted to plots no one could possibly give a shit about, Cooper started being moved to the background, and the whole thing just seemed to lose focus and fall apart. I have never seen anything go from brilliant to godawful so fast. It would be like Dylan following Highway 61 Revisited with several variations on Self Portrait. If I had never seen the show and just ran across these episodes while flipping through channels, my immediate thought would be “what is this bullshit?” and then laugh at it. Then change the channel.

However, as the show started coming to a close, things unexpectedly turned interesting. There was a new Cooper plot, and while the villain wasn’t handled as well as he should have been, it was at least interesting. At the very last possible minute, the show reminded viewers why people talked about it so much in the first place. The beauty pageant plot was dull, but it ended on the right note, and the climax leading to the final episode was pretty well done. And then Lynch came in and directed the final episode, and hooooooooly shit. Twin Peaks set the bar for this kind of thing, but the last episode of Twin Peaks takes the cake for being the strangest hour of television ever aired, even more so than any of the previous episodes. I will fully admit that half of it was nothing more than Lynch jacking off and showing his sperm-encrusted sock to the viewer, but my God was it great. This episode firmly established Twin Peaks as a place where things are definitely not right, where evil exists and hides in the woods. Though the show was struggling to find its way after the Laura Palmer plot was resolved, I feel that the last episode set the stage for stories that focused more on the creepiness of the town and less on moronic slapstick. I was legitimately surprised, and saddened, that after hating half of the second season, the final episode left me wanting more.

I haven’t seen the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, but my understanding is that it’s a prequel to the show (in a way) and doesn’t resolve any of the cliff-hangers in the last episode. I guess they don’t really need to be resolved, but still. It’s a shame that the show got so bad while trying to find it’s footing again, because now it seems to be known mainly for disappointing viewers and jumping the shark rather than for reaching the heights that it did early on. The most surprising thing about this show isn’t the strangeness of it, it’s the fact that for a brief moment, mainstream TV viewers were addicted to a TV show co-created by the guy who made Eraserhead and Blue Velvet. Now that’s more mind-boggling than a backwards-forwards-talking dwarf and giant kickin’ it with the dead in a red room.

Now You Can Get REALLY Intimate With Your Kindles

2010-09-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I published a little eBook collection of library blogs on Apple's iBookstore, and the response has been a hell of a lot better than I ever expected it to be. However, owners of the biggest eBook reader on the market, Amazon's Kindle, may be feeling left out and unloved. Well guess what? It's time to break out the candles and champagne, because my eBook, A Series of Frustrated Outbursts by a Fake Librarian, is now available on Kindle! And because you can download a Kindle reader on many different devices, such as CrackBerry phones or phones with Android, you no longer have to feel left out! (Unless you own a Nook, that is. Fuck the Nook. I've never seen a eBook reader so unfriendly to independent publishers)

And it still has the same shitty cover art!

Because of how weird the set-up is on Amazon, I cannot offer this book for free on it. Strangely, other people can, but if you're just some random person wanting to give shit away for free, it's not allowed. There is some good news for cash-strapped owners of expensive electronics: this book is available for the shockingly affordable price of just .99 cents! That's right, for LESS than a buck you get roughly an hour (depending on your reading speed) of a book that one reviewer raves is "pretty entertaining for the most part." Still not convinced? Another reader proclaims "...it wasn't that bad. I chuckled a few times." Shouldn't you be clicking your way to euphoria RIGHT NOW???

Note: As I stated in my previous plug for this book, it contains no new material, aside from an introduction. Every blog contained in it can be found here. This book is really just for people who have never read my blog or for those people who are so anal about their blog reading that they want everything in one place. I count myself in the second category, since I copy and pasted every single blog about the Left Behind books from the Slacktavist website onto a Word file for easy reading. Plus, I like pretending that I'm a real author.

Another note: if you're really, REALLY dead-set against paying for the book or don't have a device with either the iBookstore or Kindle apps, send me a message and I'll send you a free copy in .doc format. In the meantime, I'm going to figure out some way to get this book posted somewhere for downloading. If and when the book goes up somewhere, I'll post the link here.

A Review of Library Positions (That I’ve Worked)

2010-09-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

Page

The typical “entry-level” position for people wanting to work in libraries is that of Library Page. A lot of hardened library folks look back on this position with a smile on their faces, because it is by far the simplest and least bullshit-ridden position you could possibly have at a library. Your basic duties as a page are simple, but vary from library to library. The thing they all have in common is shelving, which means that anytime you’re at a public library and see some sad-looking fella shoving a cart of books through the stacks, you’re probably looking at a page. Through sheer osmosis, the pages become more intimately familiar with the collection and Dewey system than anyone else in the library, since the whole point of their job is keeping things in order. The absolute best part of being a page is not having to deal with major library problems. In fact, at some libraries you are specifically forbidden from helping people, even if they’re looking for a book that you have on your cart. Goddamn I miss being a page sometimes.

However, there are a few major downsides to being a page. The first is the pay. As the second-lowest wrung on the library ladder (volunteers are the lowest), you are paid the least. Another problem is that after several months, the job becomes mind-numbingly tedious. There’s a reason why, at a certain point, previously energetic pages start taking on the appearance of cattle, with sad expressions just begging to be put out of their misery. Another problem is that there are many other little tasks that you’re required to do as a page that you never find out about until you’re asked to do them. There are typically jobs such as picking up garbage on the floor and even in front of the library, moving around surprisingly heavy boxes of crap, wearing costumes for library events, mopping the floor if someone spills a drink or food, mopping the floor if someone craps or pees on it, climbing on the roof to hang promotional signs, etc. A lot of the time your job as a page is being a janitor that also happens to shelve books.

Final Verdict: If the pay was raised, this would be an awesome position. I cannot stress enough how desirable cleaning crap off the floor is to having someone threaten to stab you because you cut off their computer time, or throw things at you because of a fine. Also, if you’re a bookworm, there is nothing better than constantly being up in the collection from the start of your shift to the end. Finally, there is a very peaceful and, dare I say it, zen-like quality to those early morning shifts, when you’re shoving a cart of books through a quiet library with the sun shining through the windows. That is how I prefer to remember it.

Aide/Clerk

This position can potentially be the scariest. It’s a rung higher than the page, so you’re paid more, but depending on which library system you work for, the difference in pay can either be awesome (a $4 increase) or pathetic (a $1 increase). This position is usually filled by former pages wanting to work their way up, but I have also found out that a lot of places let applicants jump straight into this position without needing previous work as a page. This, of course, infuriates a lot of pages who get passed over for this position, but human resources could really give less than a shit about the pages. Anyhow, the main job of an aide/clerk is checking out books to people and dealing with all of the pleasantness that this entails. There are, as always, a lot of smaller side jobs as well, such as mending damaged books, pulling books off the shelves to fill requests, shipping them out to other libraries, and other shit work which is less shitty than what you’re asked to do as a page. On the plus side , you get to meet a lot of your library’s patrons. Some people may ask, “how the fuck could that be a plus?” but the simple fact is that most of the people who come into the library are very nice and just want to have something good to read, or a good movie to watch. The conversations are typically pleasant and do a lot to kill the tedium of the job. In fact, since customer service is your job at this point, a patron can talk you up for 15 minutes, and if you’re enjoying it, this is a great way of killing time that would otherwise be used checking in books or dealing with another, possibly angry patron. And your supervisor can’t really say shit to you, since you’re supposed to be providing good customer service. Well, they CAN scold you if you’re clearly just bullshitting with a friend, but you at least have the option of defending it as customer service.

As can be predicted, the major, MAJOR downside to this position is that you are the person who gets yelled at if a patron has a fine, or overdue books, or a lost book. I am not kidding about this. If you work as an aide/clerk long enough, at some point someone will yell at you about this stuff, and question your competence. Of course it’s not your fault that they have fines, but the anger has to be directed somewhere, and since you’re the messenger, you’re the one who’s going to get it. When it starts getting out of hand you always have the option of calling up your supervisor, since they’re the ones who have the final say in these matters, but it still sucks ass having to deal with these yelling fits. It actually does get easier the more often you deal with it, and you learn some neat ways of delivering the bad news and defusing some of the anger, but no one likes to be a punching bag, and when you work this position, you’re the one person at the library who gets punched the most.

Final Verdict: This is the position where you really start feeling like you’re part of the library, and you start sharing your battle stories with coworkers. Being a page is a solitary position, but as an aide/clerk you’re typically at the circulation desk with another person. There’s also some kind of strange, unspoken sense of superiority that you get in this position. The reason for this is that you’re handling money, your dealing with the public, and you’ve already typically paid your dues as a page. Therefore, folks in this position get the snobbish delight of looking down on the pages, even though they’d switch jobs in a heartbeat the moment someone starts screaming at them about fines. Also, for you horny bastards out there, you get to talk to a lot of attractive patrons. Not that you’ll end up dating them or anything, but it’s better than having to dodge someone’s farts while shelving books on the bottom row of a crowded aisle.

Extra-Help Library Assistant

This is an awesome position if you can get it. I got it years ago but had to give it up when I started working more hours at my current library. Basically, this is an entry into the world of reference work. It’s an on-call position where, if you’re available, you can go to whatever library needs you, work the information desk, and then not have to deal with whatever major problems the library has once you leave. You get paid surprisingly well and have to do only the basic duties of a library assistant. More likely than not, you’ll just be looking up books for people and dealing with getting people on computers. Sometimes, you’ll have to do minor jobs like pull books of the shelves for requests, or maybe enter some random shit into a computer. There is absolutely nothing about this job that is too difficult. And if a patron starts flipping out on you, you can stare at them blank-faced and just tell them that you don’t usually work there, and direct their complaints to someone else. It’s all the joys of working reference with none of the commitments!

On the down side, you only get work when you’re needed, so you can’t go out and buy a home working this job. Also, while being called to work at a variety of libraries sounds nice initially, it’s a pain in the ass to have to deal with finding some of the more obscure branches that you get called to, let alone where you have to park. Unless you’re familiar with the system, you might get sent to some shady areas that you didn’t know were shady until you’ve already parked your car. Also, and this is a major downside; you’re fresh meat and aren’t familiar with some of the crazies that you may have to deal with. Believe me, once you work reference long enough, you learn how to treat certain people so they don’t start flipping out for bizarre reasons. But aside from the risk of someone stabbing you with a pen because you’re new and don’t know that they’re unstable, it’s a great position!

Final Verdict: This was a great position when I worked it. However, the instability of when you get to work makes this position less than desirable when you have bills to pay. However, if it’s open and you have the time to swing it, it’s a great introduction to reference work. I met some interesting people and got to find out how difference library systems worked, and that was always a plus. And like I said, no commitments!

Library Technician

This is my current position. I’m basically a fake librarian, since what I do is what people assume all librarians do. I look up books for people, I answer reference questions, I assist with computer issues, you get the idea. Library assistants are also fake librarians, but depending on where you’re working, your duties will differ. For example, library assistants in LA County typically have to do work schedules for the pages and aides/clerks, while the assistant at my job schedules class visits for schools. Library techs, on the other hand, don’t do any of that as far as I know. From what I can gather, the main focus of this job is to do “librarian stuff” without having to go to all the big meetings or deal with administrative bullshit. I really, really like that barrier, since the last thing I want to do is get involved in library politics. At least with this job, you can stay ignorant about everything else going on and just concentrate on your job.

The nice thing about this job is that your interactions with the public are usually friendly. The way library folk tend to view things, you’d think that every day was a disaster, but the fact of the matter is that around 80% of your day is positive, if not downright dull. There’s also some shitwork that you don’t have to do, and you have the pleasure of calling on another person to do it instead. Plus you don’t deal with fines. I cannot stress enough how much of a plus that is.

The downside to this position is that you directly encounter and are forced to deal with the more extreme and bizarre problems at the library, such as people masturbating at the computers, fist fights, people complaining about how another person smells, etc. Probably this biggest problem that you’ll have to deal with is the inconsistent and ever-changing policies regarding what you can and can’t do in the library. Food will not be allowed, then it will be allowed, then only food bought in our vending machines will be allowed, then all food will be allowed again, and on and on. A woman will take her shirt off and use a computer wearing only a bra, and that’s not allowed, but a man will come in wearing a leather vest and no shirt, and that’s allowed. Then there’s the problem with people assuming that you know everything, and screaming at you because they can’t find their kids, the same ones they actively ignored for over an hour while checking their email and Facebook updates.

Final Verdict: I get paid ridiculously well for this position, and I’m very happy with it. Like I’ve said, there are negative aspects of it, but those only take up part of your day. Depending on how high up the library food chain you’re looking to go, this is a great job to try for. Just be aware that you don’t get any practice being a supervisor or anything like that. If you don’t want that, and just want a job that pays you well to do librarian stuff without having to do pain in the ass administrative duties or scheduling, this is a great job. Plus everyone will just call you a librarian anyway, and the only people who’ll get annoyed by that are those who went to school for it.

Why I Hate Futurama

2010-08-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

Like Family Guy, a rabid fan base has brought Futurama back to life. And like Family Guy, I have watched this show several times trying to understand what’s supposed to be so goddamn brilliant about it. Futurama comes on before The Daily Show, so I have had a ton of episodes playing in the background and know what’s going on, who the characters are, and what this show is aiming for. And I fucking hate it. Because it’s done by folks involved in The Simpsons, I figured there’d have to be something going for it, but no. It blows, and here are my reasons for hating the show:

1. Bender

This is supposed to be THE funny character. In fact, when the show debuted, my immediate thought was, “oh, so this is the Homer of the show.” Unlike Homer, there is nothing to like about Bender. He’s just a self-centered prick, and saying that that’s the whole point of the character doesn’t make him any less cringe inducing. His meanness is supposed to be funny, but it isn’t. It’s just annoying. This character is so unlikable that he makes more sense as part of the Family Guy universe. Also, "bite my shiny metal ass" is such a lame attempt at a catchphrase, it makes Cartman's "screw you guys, I'm going home" almost sublime by comparison.

2. Fry

This escaped me for a while, but then I realized that there are actually two Homers on this show. Bender’s the asshole Homer, and Fry is the retarded Homer. So basically what the show did is take the two most irritating aspects of a great character, strip away the humanity, and make them separate characters. There are some “touching” scenes with Fry, but for the most part his character is way too idiotic to care about, which is why Homer is such a shitty character now.

3. Pop culture

The moment I knew without a doubt that Futurama was going to suck ass was when they introduced the Celebrity Frozen Heads. I know that The Simpsons is to blame for the whole pop-culture humor thing, but in the past it was done intelligently. Also, when a celebrity would do a voice on the show, it worked best when they were playing a character. Instead, now whenever a character is introduced it’s preceded by their full name and description of what makes them famous. It’s like they forgot how to make this shit funny and now just do it because it’s expected. Just pointing at something and saying “look!” isn’t funny. There has to be a joke involved. The Futurama episode that got me to write this list had a beginning scene that took place at Comicon. There was a Futurama panel. There were references to Joss Whedon and J.J. Abrams. It wasn’t funny.

4. The animation sucks

This may be odd coming from someone who loves South Park and King of the Hill, but Futurama really suffers from crappy animation. This is with regard to the new Comedy Central version, of course. I know there are budget issues, but still, it just looks bad now. The animation’s all cheap looking and choppy. I know that “adult” cartoons nowadays don’t really have great animation anymore, but this is the only one that suffers from it. At least it does to me, because I hate the show and this is probably just another excuse for me to talk shit on it.

5. I just fucking hate it

Everything is subject to taste. I know that a lot of people can’t stand King of the Hill but love The Cleveland Show. Me, I hate shows that rely on pop culture references to get their laughs, so I hate Fox’s Animation Domination. This is what’s popular now, and I don’t enjoy it. Therefore, if you’re into this kind of thing, then you probably love Futurama. I’m not, so I don’t. That doesn’t mean that the show is inherently unfunny, it just is to me. It’s the same reason why I can’t fully enjoy those early South Park episodes anymore. Futurama has a very good premise, and it’s pissed away by crappy writing and lame jokes. It’s something that I SHOULD love. I just wish it didn’t suck so much.

My New Library eBook, Ready to Caress Your Funnybone

2010-07-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Are you sick of having to dig through my unorganized archives in order to find my library rants? Do you wish you had on hand a fast, portable collection of all my library and book-related ramblings to carry with you everywhere you go? Well, the wait is over. I'm proud to announce that my brand-new, gut-busting book, A Series of Frustrated Outbursts by a Fake Librarian, is now available on iBooks!

Truly, a thing of beauty.

That's right. You now have direct access to my extensive catalog of library observations, right at your fingertips. Instead of having to click around this blog in frustration, now you merely have to tap your way into instant ecstasy with page after page of "hilarious" and heart-warming anecdotes. They're all here, including my world-famous How to Annoy Your Friendly Public Librarian. If you work in a library, visit libraries, know a librarian, know someone who's worked in a library, ever passed by a library, or even know what a library is, then you MUST own this collection!

But wait a minute, I hear you saying. That's fine and all, but why the hell would I pay for a bunch of blog posts? If they're all here, why should I give YOU my money? Information should be free, man. Plus, I'd rather just click around than spend my hard-earned cash on the person who wrote this half-assed junk.

What if I told you that it was FREE?

HA! That sure shut you up. That's right, this book is absolutely, 100% FREE. As long as you have a device that supports iBooks, this eBook will only cost you a couple seconds of your time locating and then downloading it. You can't beat that deal!

So there it is. You have no reason not to download this book. If you're ready for a mind-expanding journey into the pits of library hell, let me be your Virgil.

Good Songs By Musicians I Hate

2010-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

I try to give musicians a fair chance most of the time, especially since my teenage hatred of the Beach Boys and Patsy Cline turned out to be case studies in musical stupidity. Most of the time, when I find one good song by a musician, there are usually several more just lurking around the corner, and it’s time for me to reevaluate them. However, there are some bands that are so fucking repulsive that the only natural response is snarling hatred, but they still managed to squeeze out a song that I’ll admit is good. This is a list of a few of these bands.

Aerosmith: Sweet Emotion

This one is almost like cheating, since I loved this band as a teen. However, this is one of those instances where, with every year that passes, I hate them more and more. Every single song of theirs that I ever liked is now a bunch of derivative, macho, dick-waving bullshit to me. Their songs are by-the-number shitrock, with lyrics which sound like their were written by an excited teenager in between fits of masturbating. If I hear the intros to Walk This Way, Love in an Elevator, or Livin’ On the Edge, I just start getting angry, like Bruce Banner being called a “faggot” or something. In addition to have a ridiculously large catalog of second-rate garbage, they also have the ugliest fucking musician in music history as their lead singer. Fucker looks like he should be on Oprah describing how he survived a chimp attack, not fronting a million-selling rock act. This is the only band that I’ve ever regretted enjoying. Fuck, I’ll still defend Megadeth for having some great songs.

And yet...Sweet Emotion is a great fucking song. The intro builds a great atmosphere and the guitar playing kicks my ass all over the place. And the chorus, which is nothing more than “sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooooootiooooonnnnnnn” is also perfect. Of course, because it’s an Aerosmith song you still have their signature shitty lyrics and adequate singing, but the solo that ends the song makes up for it. The song is just too good to be theirs, and yet...it is.

To be honest, it was a toss-up between this and “Dream On,” but that song is so different from the rest of their catalog, and Steven the Schmuck actually sings that one well, that I opted for this one. Sweet Emotion actually makes more sense, because it sounds like an Aerosmith song, whereas Dream On sounds like an anomaly in their catalog.

Limp Bizkit: Nookie

Speaking of dick-waving bullshit, here’s probably one of the most hated bands of all time. This band is so fucking hated that I honestly don’t know a single person who’ll admit to ever liking them in the first place. I’ve even heard people swear up and down that their fame isn’t even legit, that record companies duped the record-buying public into enjoying these assholes. I would never go that far, since you can’t force the majority of people to enjoy something that they don’t, but they apparently did take part in some shady, underhanded bullshit in order to get exposure. I don’t fault them for that though, since you have to gain exposure somehow. I will fault them, though, for being a bunch of obnoxious retards who helped popularize one of the most idiotic subgenres of all time: Nu Metal. Since everything bad that can be said about this band has been said better by others, I won’t go any further here, but I have to add that any musician not named Snoop Dogg who puts out an X-rated video deserves all the hate they get.

That said, I have to admit that Nookie is one of the most insidiously catchy songs I’ve ever heard. The funky bass, the rapping, even the moronic chorus all work, making this probably the only song that I am truly, legitimately embarrassed about liking. Well you know what? Fuck you guys. If you can ironically like hair metal and other shit, then I can unironically enjoy Nookie, even though everything else this band put out is like rubbing broken glass in your ears. The only bad thing about Nookie is that stupid “like a chump, heeeeey” part. But you know what? That also works in the context of this song. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go weep in a corner, since I know that now I’ll never be accepted by the scenesters.

Britney Spears: Toxic

Poor Britney Spears. She started her career by making it socially acceptable for men of all ages to jerk off to underage girls (and even creating an environment where someone like Perez Hilton can post panty-less upskirt photos of an underage girl and get away with it, because that underage girl dresses like a skank onstage), and is now known mainly for being crazy trailer trash. Her status in the entertainment industry is such that making fun of her is akin to still making Monica Lewinsky and John Wayne Bobbit jokes. I was always annoyed by her, but after her mental collapse I started feeling bad for her, and I think that picking on her now is kinda like beating up Dave Pelzer. Hasn’t she suffered enough shit talk? Regardless, her music was always atrociously bad, boring pop. In her quest to become the new Madonna, she forgot about having a passable singing voice and the ability to change with the times. While the majority of Madonna’s style changes have been idiotic (except for the boner-inspiring Like a Prayer era), they were always at least interesting. Britney just took the “whore” thing and ran with it. Come on Britney, do Mormon-chic or something!

As yawn-inspiring as her music typically is, however, Toxic is amazing. I first heard it when I went to the beach with the love of my life, and my immediate thought was, “this is Britney Spears, but it sounds good...is this a remix or something?” When I came home and listened to it on YouTube, I was shocked. Here was Britney Spears, with an honest-to-god great song. That little high-pitched screech in the hook, that beat, that testicle-exploding surf part, even her singing clicked. This, in combination with her head-shaving, umbrella-waving, weight-gaining downward spiral made me seriously consider going back and re-evaluating her work. Then I heard her early hits again and was instantly bitch-slapped back into reality. Those songs still suck, but Toxic is brilliant, and maybe one of the best pop songs I’ve heard. That’s right, fuckers. I went there.

The Righteous Brothers: Little Latin Lupe Lu

There is no decade more viciously stroked than the 60s, which is both considered “the greatest decade EVER” for music and “the only decade that music was good” by insufferable snobs. One of the most important of the important names of the 60s (for me) is Phil Spector, now unfortunately known more for shooting people and wearing tumbleweeds on his head than for the jaw-droppingly amazing body of work he produced. I love pretty much everything this fucker ever touched, EXCEPT the fucking Righteous Brothers. These “blue-eyed soul” schmucks pumped out some crappy, schmaltzy hits that wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t played over and over and over and over and OVER by radio stations. The songs themselves aren’t inherently bad, they’re just fucking boring, by-the-numbers crap, which somehow even manage to sound worse when backed by Phil’s wall of sound. It’s like Phil was one of the Iron Chefs, and the ingredient he had to work with was “dog shit.”

So how the fuck did they pump out Little Latin Lupe Lu? It just doesn’t make any sense. This song grabs you by your short hairs and drags you to the dancefloor, and it has a full, delicious sound that somehow makes their voices sound good. When it starts getting wild at the end, you’re almost ready to forgive them for those horrendous fucking ballads they recorded. Then you realize that those ballads made enough money for both brothers to swim in Olympic-sized swimming pools full of cash, cocaine, and naked groupies, so your forgiveness means less than nothing.

Kanye West: Gold Digger

I know that this is safe, that everyone says it, that it means nothing, but fuck it: Kanye West is one of the worst fucking people alive. Everyone else on this list is annoying, but Kanye deserves a savage beating with a baseball bat covered with barbed wire. He’s an obnoxious, spoiled child of a “man,” who treats the world like it only exists to feed him an unending stream of attention. He talks shit about books and reading, then has the nerve to “write” a book of his little words of wisdom, as if what he has to say deserves to be nestled snugly next to Confucius’ Analects. If I had to choose between punching him or Osama Bin Laden in the face, I would seriously have a hard time with that decision, and honestly, I think the 9/11 wives would be similarly conflicted. He’s that much of an asshole. Oh, and his music? Just as fucking atrocious. God damn I fucking hate this guy.

And then there’s Gold Digger, a great rap song. I like the “I Got a Woman” sample, I like the beat, and even though it’s typical woman-hating bullshit, the lyrics are also pretty decent. Kanye’s rapping isn’t great, but it’s good enough for the song. I really, really like this song, and that’s all I’m going to say because giving Kanye any more credit is just going to make me so mad that I’ll have to scream into a pillow or something.

Honorable Mention: Sublime

I hated Sublime so much in the past, but I’ve eased up on them and will now admit that they had some decent songs. Enough of their songs are good that I can’t put them in this list, even though everything else about them makes me throw up a little.

Almost made the list: No Doubt

I like the song “Just a Girl,” but not enough to add it to this list. Gwen Stefani is probably the worst singer to ever release an album (this includes William Hung), and her voice is so bad that I can’t in good faith defend it for just one song. The song is pretty catchy, but not nearly enough to get past that voice. Fuck Gwen Stefani is what I’m basically saying here.

Why I'm Glad CDs Are Dying

2010-06-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

CDs are dying, and I’m just going to say good riddance. I’ve been a music fan for years and have had to put up with an inordinately long list of garbage released by money-hungry record labels and misguided, borderline retarded musicians. Here are five reasons why I’m glad CDs are dying, and why I welcome purchasing individual songs online in place of albums:

Foreign-only bonus tracks

This is something that only dorks care about, but since I’m a dork, it bothers me. Something that some musicians like to do is release a different version of their albums overseas, with more songs than what you get in the states. Granted, it’s usually two or three extra songs, but still, it pisses me off to be a die-hard fan of someone and be told that if I want to hear two more of their songs, I’ll have to pay twice the cost of the album or even more in order to do so. Beck did this shit all the time, and his reasoning was, “they have to pay more, so they should get a little extra something.” That’s a very nice reason, but it still fucks over the people who made you famous in the first place. Also, because of new tracks following the final one, those overseas have the privilege of avoiding another thing that pisses me off, and that’s

Musicians who fuck with track length for no good reason

Another thing that’s fucking annoying as all hell is having an album end, and having to sit through several long minutes of silence, only to get a little “treat” at the end. And this isn’t through another track...it’s on the same exact track as the final song. Sometimes it’s random noise, sometimes dialog, sometimes even an extra song. I know that musicians think it’s cute, but what happens if you really like the last song and want to burn it onto a CD? And don’t give me that bullshit that you’re not supposed to be burning songs onto CDs in the first place. People have always made their own mixes, and the artist knows this. Another thing which made me want to find the band and punch each of them repeatedly in the face was when I discovered that the last song was divided into around 70 separate “tracks” of a few seconds each. There’s no fucking justification for that, it’s just a pure douche move by a band trying to be cute.

Re-recordings of old hits

This is something that’s mainly affects fans of oldies. Because the musician got fucked out of royalties on the original, hit versions of a single, most of them re-recorded the songs several times in order to profit when compiled and sold as a “best of.” I have never, ever, ever in my life heard a re-recording that was even half as good as the original. A lot of times it doesn’t even sound like the same band. Sometimes the music itself has a weird contemporary sound that doesn’t fit the feel of the original song. Even more disgusting is when the CD itself is labelled with something like “original hits,” which is technically true...the musician is the original artist who recorded these. It’s still a dirty move, and I don’t care how strapped for cash they are, these musicians can go fuck themselves.

Live versions in place of singles

Let’s say you’re a fan of a certain band, and there’s one song in particular that you really love. You go out and debate between buying the album that it was on and their greatest hits. You decide to go with the greatest hits because you like some of their other hits that aren’t on the studio album. Nothing on the track listing suggests that you’re getting anything other than the hit recordings. You come home, put it in, jump to the track you bought the CD for, and you’re greeted with applause, talking, and a shitty live version of the song you wanted. Furious, you check the back again. No statement saying that there are live versions. It’s only when you open the case (non-refundable now, bitch!) and look at the booklet that you see an asterix next to the track and a note saying “recorded live at...” And it’s not one of those awesome live versions that are hits in and of themselves, like Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me.” No, this is a calculated move to get you to buy two or more albums, because you got suckered. Goddamn I fucking hate surprise live versions!!! On a related note, I hate when remixes are slapped on greatest hits albums instead of the hit version. Hey asshole, it’s casual fans that are buying the greatest hits package, not die-hards. The die-hard wants the remix and live version. For casual fans, you’re just punishing them for having an interest in your work. Thanks for giving them a shitty first impression. It’s like greeting someone with a handshake after wiping your ass with a single square of toilet paper.

Dialog/skits that are not left as separate tracks

Why the fuck do bands feel the need to add skits to their songs? This is mainly shit that rappers do, because they all seem to think that they’re comedy geniuses on par with Rudy Ray Moore. Sorry, but when I want to hear “Gin and Juice,” I don’t want it to be preceded by the sound of some guy taking a piss. It’s not just skits though. One thing that fucking infuriates me to the point of blinding rage is when I shell out good money for a box set, and because it’s representing something historic they feel the need to add snippets from historical speeches to the tracks themselves. So I’ll hear some funk song, and when the track ends a fucking Malcolm X snippets plays, which was NOT part of the original song, just something that the compilers added to say “THIS IS IMPORTANT.” Sometimes it’s not “important” at all, just something cute to wink at the buyer. Earlier I was listening to an Ultra Lounge comp with a French theme, and tacked onto the end of a bunch of tracks is a lady with a heavy French accent talking about France. This is NOT INTERESTING. In fact, it’s worse than that, it’s fucking annoying and makes me want to throw the goddamn CD out the window. If I want to hear random talking, I’ll go back to audiobooks. When I put on a music CD, especially a compilation, I want to hear music and no fucking added bullshit! Now if I ever want to make a comp of my favorite songs from this series, I’m going to have to do a bunch of editing myself because the folks who released this CD are a bunch of twats. Go fuck yourselves.

The Celebrity Sex Tape Edition!

2010-06-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently there’s yet another “celebrity” sex tape coming out, this time coming from a hideous old lady named Danielle Staub from the show Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don’t watch this show and know nothing about it, except that, given the title, it’s a reality show with random assholes who become famous just because they’re being filmed while being random assholes. Anyhow, a tape was leaked by some guy who “Staubed” Danielle and filmed the whole thing, and is now trying to make a buck off of their tryst. And of course it’s going to make money, because even though Staub’s about as attractive as a dangling Halloween mask, people still like watching the private sexual encounters of strangers. Also, there is no doubt in my mind that Staub was behind the link, since celebrity sex tapes nearly always cause people to become more famous than they deserve to be.

Paris Hilton is a perfect example. Probably the most disgusting woman currently alive, she was famous for being rich and “attractive.” Apparently a shockingly large number of men have a fetish for lazy eyes. Anyhow, her fame was limited to being a cunty socialite until her sex tape hit the market. For fans of drugged-up, uninspired sex with boring non-celebrities and piss-poor lighting, this video was a revelation. After this video hit the stores, her fame soared, she had a lame TV show, starred in some idiotic films, and became a real celebrity. The message was clear: “get filmed fucking, and fame waits around the corner.”

The other big non-celebrity to get fame from her sex tape was Kim Kardashian. Look, I’m not going to sit here and say she’s ugly. Unlike Paris Hilton, who I genuinely find hideous, I’ll grudgingly admit that Kardashian is attractive, mainly because of her mammoth, cartoonish ass and “exotic” face. Why do I have to admit this grudgingly? Because her personality is almost as repulsive as Hilton’s, and every quote that I’ve ever read from her makes me want to punch something. She made a sex tape with some guy, it got released, and just like magic, she was offered a TV show by the shittiest network currently on the air, E! Because this tape was obviously made for her to get famous, the lighting was better. I wouldn’t be surprised if she also hired a director.

Since these two idiots got famous from their sex tapes, it seems like everyone’s trying to get in on the action. Some of the more pathetic attempts have been made by men, sad as it is to say. That one midget actor released a sex tape that no one but circus performers would be interested in, and that poofy-haired schmuck from Saved by the Bell released an unappealing sex tape called “Saved by the Smell.” OK, fuck it. I’ll admit that that was clever. Finally, political disaster John Edwards also made a sex tape, which is under lock and key because it is being used as evidence in a legal case. Now THAT is a sex tape that nobody would have guessed existed.

Probably the most famous sex tape was made by Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. It makes perfect sense why this tape sold an insane number of copies, as it had everything the public wanted to see: big breasts, a big penis, and Hepatitis C. Probably the greatest thing to come from this was when Bret Michaels made a laughable attempt to regain fame by releasing a tape he made with Pamela. To the surprise of no one, it was met with a shrug. Sorry Bret!

Anyhow, because everyone in Hollywood lives for the camera, there are probably a ton of sex tapes just begging to be leaked. Without further ado, here’s my list of sex tapes that I would love to see:

Sigourney Weaver

I am ridiculously attracted to her, probably because strong, ass-kicking women have always appealed to me. The possibilities of a Weaver sex tape are limitless. Remember that scene in one of the Alien films where the alien opened it’s mouth, and another mouth came out of it? I’ll leave the rest unsaid.

Linda Blair & Rick James

There was nothing sexier than how Regan developed during the Reagan years. She briefly dated Rick James, and if that man had his own personal crack torture chamber, then he HAD to have had hidden cameras filming his bedroom shenanigans with Blair. As someone who as a teen shamelessly purchased a copy of Night Patrol just because I heard somewhere that she had a breast flash in it, I would obviously be the first in line to buy this one.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie’s far too famous for this one to come out, but that doesn’t mean that I still wouldn’t hack my arm off to see this one. For the time being, I’ll have to settle for Secretary. What can I say, sometimes I’m attracted to weird faces.

Fat Anna Nicole Smith

Come on now, this one HAS to exist. There is no possible way that this can’t be out there somewhere. While early, model Anna Nicole was attractive, she was still a bit too cartoony. It was only when she started chowing down and bloating up that she became sexier to me, something which is also happening with E.T. look-alike Jessica Simpson. The only downside to a fat Anna Nicole Smith sex tape would be the inevitable appearance of that creepy-as-hell lawyer Howard K. Stern. One look into those insane, dead eyes would shrivel me up faster than a slug in a salt mine.

Salma Hayek

Probably the most pedestrian name on the list, since pretty much every guy has a thing for her. Hell, put her in a burka and she’d still create wet spots in a man’s jeans. The only way this one could be better would be if she filmed it with Antonio Banderas, since Latin love-making is supposed to be the best love-making there is.

Madonna circa Like a Prayer

Another one that I know exists. I know this because it’s Madonna, and she goes through men the way I go through Doritos when I’m at my most pathetic. She was never sexier than when she was doing that weird Catholic thing, and as everyone knows, Catholicism is the sexy religion. Strangely enough, she stopped being sexually appealing when she went through her Erotic faze. It’s amazing what getting fingered by Vanilla Ice will do to your appeal.

The Go Go’s

A REAL one. There’s a video floating around going by the name “Go Go’s sex tape,” but from what I heard, it’s just the Go Go’s being drunk and convincing a drunk roadie to ram a dildo up his ass. Seriously, who the hell wants to watch that?

Jamie Lee Curtis

There’s one section on my old VHS tape of True Lies which is worn out to the point of being unwatchable. I’ll say no more, except that a Jamie Lee Curtis sex tape would finally put an end to those retarded rumors of her supposedly having a penis.

Snooki

Remember Cabbage Patch Kids? Would you like to see one grown up with a shitty tan? If so, watch Jersey Shore and your wish will come true, since Snooki looks exactly like that. Why the hell would I want to see a Snooki sex tape? Two reasons. The first is because I want to see if there’s a Xavier Roberts tattoo on her ass. The second reason is because I want to see a video floating around the internet with the label “Snooki Gets Donkey Punched!” And unlike everything else on my wish list, I know that this one coming out is going to be guaranteed. Hell, it’s probably getting it’s cover art printed as I’m typing this.

2009 Movies, Part 2

2010-01-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention some movies in my last blog. Here's some of them:

Public Enemies

This movie was pretty forgettable. In fact, even after I remembered some of the movies that I forgot to add on the last list, this one didn't even register until I saw an old magazine with a cover story on it. Johnny Depp does a decent job, but the entire thing seemed so lifeless, even with all the shooting. There were a few scenes where he's almost going to get caught that are interesting, and watching one of his escapes from jail was particularly good, but other than that, this film didn't really stick with me.

Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Aside from having one of the worst titles I've ever seen, this film was surprisingly good. I DETEST Mo'Nique, but she had a performance that at the very least deserves an Oscar nod, if not a win. The lead was also great, and the story was sufficiently dark to keep my interest. The best thing about this film were the fantasy cutscenes, which made the film seem like a twisted, ghetto version of Amelie at times. It's also one of the most depressing films I've ever seen, and even though the ending is kinda sorta maybe a little upbeat, it's still one hell of a downer. The only thing I don't get is why Mariah Carey is getting all this praise. I mean, she did a decent job that any actress should be able to perform. Praising her for this is almost as bad as praising Palin for that debate she was in because she didn't fall on her face.

Bad Lieutenant Port Of Call New Orleans

I did not know how this film was going to be, since I'm not the biggest Nick Cage fan. Plus, this had the appearance of an action film, which made it a strange choice for Herzog to direct. Regardless, this film was incredible. Cage gives the best performance I've ever seen, and his creepy hunching walk during certain scenes reminded me of Kinski in Aguirre. Plus, there are a number of incidences that occur in this film that are just flat-out insane, like a breakdancing scene that comes out of nowhere, and a fantastic "assaulting the elderly" scene. Aside from the creepiness, this is also a very funny film. Hearing Nick Cage using some atrocious street slang was beyond delightful.

Adventureland

A boring comedy about some hip college students working at an amusement park, a lead that's hard to care about, and a love interest who isn't interesting. Ryan Reynalds was the only good thing about this film, even though I'm not a fan of his. I expected some Apatow-esque guffaws in this film, and I didn't get them. Plus, these kind of films hang on how much you care about the characters. I didn't, and therefore I disliked this film.

Humpday

Yet another "bromance," this one about two friends who haven't seen each other in years, and then for an extremely weak, half-assed reason, decide to do a gay porn together. This film was OK. The lead was more annoying than he should have been, and the friend's hippie party friends got on my nerves, but pretty much everyone reacted as they probably should have given the circumstances, so it was at least somewhat believable. I just wish that it was funnier, even though it wasn't a bad film by any means.

Loss of a Teardrop Diamond

This was a very, very strange movie. I mean, not so much the content, but the presentation of it. This film comes from a lost screenplay by Tennessee Williams, which is the only reason why I saw it. It involves many of the themes that I love the man for, including overbearing women, alcoholism, insanity, and drug addiction. Strangely enough, another one of his hallmarks, the gay undertones, were absent. Anyhow, while I enjoyed the film and think that it is a good addition to his filmed work, it definitely feels like something that was written in the 50s or 60s. The script is not modern in any sense, and the director seems to have followed the script as closely as possible. The acting style, the way it was filmed, the way lighting was used, all of it feels very much like it belongs to a different era. I don't think I have ever seen a modern film that had this kind of feel before, like the language, the very syntax of the screenplay was completely out of place. If this were filmed in black and white with old orchestral music, it might have been mistaken for a lost film of that time. Anyhow, I liked it, but I can understand why certain people think that this film felt a little "off."

Coraline

Another great stop motion film that came out last year. Not nearly as great as Fantastic Mr. Fox, it was still a fun, creepy film. I cannot express just how scary those fucking people with buttons for eyes looked. There's actually a lot in this movie that deserves to be discussed, such as what it says about neglectful parents, why children need to escape into their imaginations, etc., but I'm too tired to go into this. Aside from the story, it was also fucking gorgeous to look at. Coraline's garden in that other world was beautiful. The stop motion itself looked great, too. With this, Fantastic Mr. Fox, and Up, last year was definitely a good year for animation.

This Year in Film, 2009

2009-12-30T14:05:00.000-08:00

This year was not the mind-blowing, cumming-in-my-pants experience that last year was. After all, when 2008 had both the best superhero (The Dark Knight) and animated (Wall-E) films of all time, it's gonna be hard to top it. It wasn't a shit year either, and there were a number of decent films that came out. There was also some shit, but I'll get to that.

Films that were exactly what I expected:

Up

Pixar is still the only sure-thing in film, and this was no exception. For an animated film, it had one of the saddest opening sequences I think I've seen, and you really felt for all of the characters in the film, even the prick. It was jammed-packed with Pixar goodness, and I have to say that the non-human characters were my favorites. Plus, I really like the square-jawed look that Carl had, and its contrast with the fluffy Russell. Like all Pixar films, it was fun just to look at, but had some ridiculously funny parts too. Possibly the saddest thing about this film is that it's gonna be the last original Pixar film for two years, since 2010 has Toy Story 3 and 2011 has Cars 2.

Bruno

I loved Ali G, loved Borat, and I knew I'd love Bruno. It managed to go even further than Borat did with regard to bad taste and nudity, and the video showed during the "test screening" scene had me laughing so much that it embarrased my girlfriend. The reason this one didn't do as well at the box office as Borat did probably has to do with Bruno being a much more obnoxious character, one who really does deserve the punishment he gets in the film.

Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino does a war film, and it's probably the best thing he's done since Pulp Fiction. Yes, it's still heavy on the hommages to previous films, but where this one is different from Kill Bill and Death Proof is that you actually care about these characters, and much of the cartoony stuff is kept to a minimum (the scenes with the Basterds notwithstanding). A film that probably people who don't like Tarantino would like, especially since the theatre that we saw it in was stuffed with geezers.

Drag Me to Hell

This came out the same weekend as Up, and I must say, it was a great weekend. This film is full of the same great, gross humor that Raimi put in Evil Dead, and there's even a scene where a possessed guy is floating in the air, his body jerking back and forth. Add to that a possessed, talking animal, and you have a fun-filled romp! Plus, that gypsy woman's a bitch, and the protagonist really didn't deserve the treatment she got.

Watchmen

Some people should realize that you will never, ever satisfy nerds, especially those who invest so much in a work that's about to be adapted. Thankfully, though I read the comic and loved it, I was not bound to it, and Watchmen as a film stands up as a brilliant piece of work. Hell, I still think the opening credits sequence is the greatest one I've ever seen. It's just a shame that some of the performances were a tad on the "weak" side.

Capitalism: A Love Story

Another Michael Moore film, this one with a larger target than health care, guns, or Bush. As always, he makes some good points. As always, his manipulation of footage is screamingly obvious. There were some funny scenes, some touching scenes, and some embarassing scenes. In particular, his fawning over Obama was ridiculous. There were also some voice-over jokes that were shockingly lame. An enjoyable documentary, just like his last one.

Avatar

Mind-blowing special effects, a bad script, and longer than it had to be. This is pretty much exactly what I expected from James Cameron's long-awaited return to film, right down to the atrocious song playing during the final credits. It's Dances With Wolves meets Ferngully meet the Smurfs, as damn near every critic has already said. Also, it has every indication of being a huge hit, since its box office has been ridiculously strong so far. The best 3d I've ever seen, and Cameron somehow avoided the dreaded "uncanny valley" effect. Plus, Sigourney Weaver's in it. That alone should make any man with a functioning penis go out and buy a ticket.

Bridewars

To be fair, I only saw most of this, but I'm compelled to comment on it. It starred an actress I hate and another that I'm indifferent to. It was superficial, idiotic, and had a resultion that a blind, deaf, limbless child with down syndrome could have predicted. It was insulting both to men and women, and was loaded with unfunny jokes. In short, this film was everything I expected it to be.

Films that were pretty good

Orphan

I have little enthusiasm for new horror films, but this one was surprisingly decent. Plus, I loved the twist.

I Love You, Man

Another one of those "bromance" films. This one actually tackled a really interesting topic which I don't think has ever been touched in films before; mainly, men who do not connect well with other men. This is probably a newer issue, but still. It was a damn funny comedy, and while I can't say that it was great, I did like it a lot.

Paranormal Activity

Another Blair Witch-style horror film. This one was alright. Not mind-blowing, and probably not as good as all the millions that it has made, but still pretty good.

World's Greatest Dad

Robin Williams in a dark comedy. Not something that would normally get me excited, but I heard some good things about this one. All in all it was an entertaining film, and much darker than I expected it to be. Maybe not worth buying, but definately worth renting.

Films that surprised me

The Hangover

A damn-near perfect comedy, the only part that sucked was the lame asian stereotype that kept popping up and spewing profanities. I love the way the story unraveled, and while some parts were predictable, it was a completely satisfying experience. I'm looking forward to watching it again so that I can catch some of what I missed the first time.

District 9

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, since Peter Jackson was involved and all. Still, this was a great film, with cgi that wasn't annoying and some great acting all-around. Aside from the obvious references to apatheid, I thought the evolution (in more ways than one) of the main character was fantastic, going from a regular suit who doesn't give a shit about the "prawns" to the scrounging, homeless, tragic figure he becomes later. Plus, Christopher Johnson is still the greatest name for an alien that I've ever heard.

Star Trek

How the hell did this turn out to be so good? It had everything working against it! Anyhow, I am more than willing to admit that I was wrong about this, and have to say that it was so much fun that I can't wait for the inevitable sequel. I just hope that he brings back the nerds who wrote the script to this one to work on the sequel.

Fantastic Mr Fox

I was not expecting this. Maybe it was the bad taste of Where the Wild Things Are, but I did not think that this was going to be all that great. I was dead fucking wrong. This film is full of so much energy and was so fun that my girlfriend and I could not stop smiling even after the film was over. This film may even be the most entertaining adaptation of a Roald Dahl story I've seen. Everyone needs to see this film. NOW.

Observe and Report

Nobody...seriously, NOBODY that I know likes this movie. My girlfriend hates it and constantly uses it to describe what she doesn't like in new comedies. Scott says that it made Paul Blart Mall Cop look like Citizen Kane. I'm getting tired of having to defend this movie, but I know I'll have to keep doing it, since that's just how I am. This film is a dark, psychotic comedy, with an unlikeable protagonist and a bunch of other characters who are either crazy, stupid, or just assholes. A lot of what goes on in this film may or may not be part of Rogen's imagination. The "sex scene" does probably count as date rape. Yes, there are a lot of obnoxious scenes, but I enjoyed the hell out of this film, so much so that I bought the DVD. So up yours, viewing public.

Films that disappointed me

Where the Wild Things Are

I was so fucking excited to see this movie. Then it started. I can't remember the last time I saw a movie where I continuously wondered what time it was, and how much longer the movie was going to go on. I hated Max, hated the wild things, and think that, instead of a piece of chocolate cake, Max should have gotten his ass whipped for being such an insufferable prick. As an arty movie, it's ok. As a children's movie, it's a total fucking failure. I'm still shocked that they somehow managed to make such a great children's book boring.

Whatever Works

Woody Allen and Larry David. How the hell could this not have been mind-blowing? It wasn't, though. David is unlikeable, but not in a funny way. He's really just an arrogant prick, and I was not able to believe for a second that the young girl he starts dating would put up with his bullshit. Also, the ending is so fucking unbelievably ridiculous that it almost made me hate Woody Allen. That said, there are a lot of funny jokes, but mainly because it is so much less than the sum of its parts, I can't recommend this to anyone.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

The last film in this series was a let-down, but I chalked that up to it being an adaptation of my favorite book in the series and sucking some of the life out of it. After seeing this, I came to the conclusion that the schmuck they have working on these new films can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground. The biggest problem of this film was that the film focuses too much attention on a bullshit love story, and ignores the half-blood prince. In fact, the whole half-blood prince aspect of this film is so minimized that it might surprise you that it was actually the main focus of the book, so much so that IT'S IN THE FUCKING TITLE.

Funny People

Funny people? More like FROWNY people. It takes a lot of work to make dick jokes unfunny, but goddamn if they don't succeed in this film. It's a bloated, pretentious fucking movie, and Sandler does a great job of making you hate him. Rogen is also somewhat of a sap, and it's hard to feel bad for him since he seems to invite all of the abuse he gets. The stand-up scenes are bad, the celebrity cameos are lame, and the romantic secondary plot seems thrown in and pointless. The worst Apatow production so far.

Zombieland

I hate running zombies, and I should have known that I wouldn't like this film. The film has a lot of lame frat-boy humor in it, a lot of "look at how clever I am!" humor in it, and a lot of annoying, bullshit characters. Also, how the fuck do you screw up a Bill Murray cameo? There was also much less zombie killing than I hoped for, which was really the only reason to see this piece of shit in the first place.

Films that I really wanted to see, but didn't:

Extract

The new Mike Judge film. I heard that it's his worst one, but still. I'll get this as soon as Netflix is able to send it.

The Lovely Bones

Peter Jackson's back. Another film that's been getting average reviews, I still have to see it because Jackson has never, ever disappointed me.

Moon

The reviewers say it's a great, intelligent sci-fi film that plays more like a personal drama. Can't wait to finally see what the fuss is about.

Black Dynamite

My god, did I want to see this movie. Unfortunately the run was limited, and after a mere two weeks it disappeared from theaters. Now I have to wait for the DVD.

Films that I wanted to see this year, but have to wait until next year to see:

Shutter Island

Why the fuck did they move the new Scorsese film to next year? Was it Avatar? Was it some weird Oscar thing? This doesn't make any fucking sense to me. Regardless, Scorsese is consistently good, and I doubt this film will be an exception. Plus, it looks like there are going to be some horror elements involved, which makes me even more excited.

The Wolf Man

Another film that got bumped. Honestly, after seeing the trailer, it doesn't really look that good. But maybe I'll see it, just because I love the wolf man story so much.

Library Observations

2009-09-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

There is a woman who comes into the library every day, and yells from one end of the room to the other to her son. Not just yelling his name, but shouting demands at him. To make it worse, this kid, who's got to be around 10 or 11, is already one of the most obnoxious patrons I have to deal with. Considering how downright angry his mother seems, I'm shocked at how arrogant her kid is. He's rude to her and basically treats everyone like he's above them. I have no idea what's going on in their home, but I do know it isn't good parenting.

Some guy was playing music loudly while on a laptop. When I told him to turn the music off, he said that it was his phone and not the computer, as if that made the slightest bit of difference.

A man walked into the library wearing jeans and a leather vest but no shirt. I was told that it was ok, because other patrons dressed even worse than he was. Maybe it's unfair, but I felt ill at ease about this man because the first thing he asked me was for the phone number and address of a local drug rehab center. I should never judge a person for trying to get help, however, when he whipped out a knife and started playing with it while in the computer lab, he was finally deemed "a potential problem."

Another man was kicked out of the library because of his exceedingly bad stench and lack of personal hygiene. In fact, his condition was so bad that a few staff members, myself included, are worried that this man could actually be dying.

Not so much anymore, but there is a woman who occasionally comes in carrying several bags and use the 15 minute computer stations. At some point, she starts silently doing what looks like religious dance movements. A coworker suggested that it was to "release spirits," which actually makes sense given her gestures. She also tried to sleep in the patio after closing.

Someone defecated on the floor in the men's room. While disgusting in and of itself, the guilty party also accomplished the admittedly admirable task of doing this between stalls. A coworker suggests that it was a teen.

A woman in a short skirt came up to the information desk and asked for the bathroom key. When she came up I was startled, because she was by far the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. When she gave me her ID in exchange for the key, I found out that “she” was actually a guy in his sixties. It didn’t occur to me at the time to check which restroom “she” went into.

An old man came to the info desk with a walker. I had helped him before, when he asked for a Dale Carnegie book. When I saw him come to the desk and order the book, I remembered that I donated my own personal copy to the library, and I checked the book sale shelf to see if it was still there, so I could give it to him. Unfortunately, someone already bought it. I told him that we didn’t have the book, and he asked to order it. My coworker ordered it for him earlier, and I told him that he would get a call when it came in. He then asked if we had that day’s paper, and I told him that someone was reading it and that they would hopefully be finished soon. He then asked me what day it was, and when I told him he said “all day?” as a joke. He used the same joke with me before when I helped him, and I laughed. He then said “wonderful thing getting old. I’m 90, can you believe it?” Then he stood there for a few minutes, and then walked away. Half an hour later, he came back to the desk and we went through the same routine. He asked if we had the book, then asked if we’d call him when it came in, then asked for the paper, then asked what day it was, then made the joke, then said “wonderful thing getting old,” then told me his age, then walked away. About a half hour after that, he did the same thing, except this time he asked if I was ever in the service. I told him that I wasn’t, and he told me that he was in WWII, and that he bombed Japan. He then asked me if I was married, and when I told him I wasn’t he said it was obvious because I was smiling. He stood there for a few minutes, and then walked away. About half an hour after that, the same routine as earlier. Each time I felt worse and worse, because I remembered helping him a few months before, and he didn’t need a walker at that point. Finally, a woman who I assumed was his wife came to the desk asking for the restroom key. As I walked her to the restroom, she asked me if he asked about the Dale Carnegie book again. When I told her that he did, she said, “Don’t order it for him. He has a copy at home. He does this every time he comes in.” When I got back to the desk, I kept my fingers crossed that the situation wouldn’t get any sadder than it already was. Thankfully, it didn’t.

Memories as Things

2009-09-06T02:36:00.000-07:00

According to Proust's In Search of Lost Time (which I haven't read), the protagonist is suddenly flooded by a surge of memories by the simple act of eating a madeleine. I have always wanted to study the connection of the senses and memory, since sometimes even the smallest things will trigger a slew of images and scenes ripped from certain moments of my life. There was one time when I was at some park with a friend and this girl he was dating. We were all on top of some kind of jungle gym-type thing when a man walked by, reeking of cologne. As soon as that scent tickled my nostrils I was sent back maybe two or three years, when I would occasionally have a tryst with a girl I went to high school with. Everything was real, tangible, uncannily so. Those evenings when we would meet in random areas around my neighborhood, her eating a popsicle and slobbering all over herself, telling me to repeat everything that I say because she wasn't paying attention. It all came back and horrified me. The discomfort made me want to leave immediately, but I was stuck and tried to focus my attention back on the two love birds and their discussion of penis sizes.

The smell of chlorine reminds me of most of my friendship with the above-mentioned fellow. I had known him since elementary school (kindergarten if he is to be believed), and because he lived in a condo, my only chances for swimming would be either at his place or at my aunt's. The smell of chlorine brings it all back; swimming under a black sky, lit up by the lamplights, smoking cigarettes, talking about girls, music, our band, and why I needed to convince my folks to move to Dana Point.

Songs are notorious memory-fetchers. The song "Studio Hair Gel," possibly more than any other song, reminds me of when I started going to dance clubs. I don't remember when the DJ started playing that song, or for how many months (years?) it was played, but it reminds me of drinking Jack in the Box cups filled with vodka and orange juice in the parking lot, going up the stairs buzzed, and dancing frantically in a dark room. Unlike many songs that I was introduced to by this club, this specific song brings back that venue and those nights, and the nostalgia gets the best of me. If I ever want to remember how my life was in my early 20's, I need only play that song.

Then there are books. The final pages of Ulysses reminds me of my aunt's house, near the pool, where I finished it. A section of 1984, where a note that says "I love you" is picked up by Winston Smith, reminds me of the break room at my old library. The part of Grapes of Wrath where the mother is trying to buy hamburger from a cold-hearted store owner reminds me of my current library's parking lot, where I heard this section played in my car. The part in From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler where the "bologna" clue is discovered, along with a scene in Necroscope where a corpse pops out of a river, reminds me of the couch in my living room.

Memory itself is a changeable thing, and I wonder how many of these memories have been unconsciously manipulated by me. They certainly seem real, like lucid dreams where I have both made love and died, and it felt as real as the memories described. I guess the world that has been created over the years in my mind is the only true thing that I have, since reality, as I know, is filtered through my senses and processed by my brain. As long as I can pull these things back up at will, nothing that I have experienced will be gone. There is something comforting about that, and if death is merely a kind of dream state that just shuts off at the end, the final memory fading away, then I should have no fear of dying.

Garfield in Pompeii

2009-09-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my previous blog that I was reading about graffiti in Pompeii. I'm going to share some highlights with you by hopping on an old, dead bandwagon, and putting some of this graffiti into the mouths of Garfield, Jon, and Odie. Unlike many of the folks who do variations on the "fucking with Garfield" theme (Garfield without thought bubbles, Garfield minus Garfield, Random Garfield comic generator, etc.), I actually loved Garfield growing up and have many fond memories attached to this "flabby tabby." Anyhow, I have only un-modified one, leaving the final panel the way it appeared in the original strip. For fun, you can guess the unaltered panel and win nothing.

Here is where you can find all the delightful graffiti:

http://www.pompeiana.org/Resources/Ancient/Graffiti%20from%20Pompeii.htm

Roman Poetry: Not For Pussies

2009-08-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

While looking up Pompeii graffiti online, I found out about a poem called "Catullus 16," written by, um, Catullus. According to Wikipedia, it was so dirty that it wasn't translated until the late 20th century. How dirty can this Roman poem be? Observe:

"I'm gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats,
yes, you, Aurelius--you fucking cocksucker--and you too, Furius, you faggot!
Just because my verses are tender doesn't mean
that I've gone all soft. Sure, a poet should focus
on writing poetry and not on sex; but does that
mean they can't write about sex? If a poem is
in good taste, well-written and erotic,
it can give massive boners to hairy old men,
not just to horny teenagers. You think I'm a sissy
just because I write about thousands of kisses?
I'm gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats!"

If you're wondering who the unfortunate Aurelius and Furius are, Wikipedia also offers the following handy info: "Apparently, Furius and Aurelius find Catullus's verses to be mollici (soft, perhaps "wussy" in modern slang). Catullus responds with intense abuse and invective." Obviously, these two had no idea who they were fucking with. Also, I am very interested in reading poetry with the power to "give massive boners to hairy old men." If anyone can direct me to these poems, please don't hesitate to e-mail that shit to me ASAP.

After reading this, I have also decided that I will never, ever judge another person for writing about "thousands of kisses" ever again. I don't think I'm strong enough to withstand this kind of verbal abuse.

The Shittiest Fucking Audiobook I've Ever Listened To

2009-08-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucker for audiobooks, since they allow me to listen to books while I'm driving and give me the feeling that I'm pumping knowledge into my head without having to do much work. After listening to a ton of them over the past few years, I've begun to have some favorite readers (oh how I love that snide-sounding Frederick Davidson), and I know what to look for when hunting down audio versions of books that I want to "read." Some audiobooks that I've stumbled into blind have been fantastic, such as Jeremy Irons' reading of Lolita, while others have been annoying, like the jerk-off who did that new unabridged reading of Catch 22. Anyhow, there have rarely been audiobooks that actually anger me, but I did come across one last year that I feel I should talk about. It's a big, expensive, unabridged reading of a book that I've been meaning to read for several years now: Patrick Healey's shit reading of James Joyce's Finnegans Wake.

A simple diagram of the plot and characters

Now, before I start, let me just tell anyone who doesn't know: Finnegans Wake is the most difficult book to read in the English language. Joyce basically made up a language of puns and plays on words, chucked in a ton of foreign vocabulary, and shit out a plot that nobody can agree actually exists. In a way, the plot to Finnegans Wake is similar to Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster: small groups of people swear it exists, but the vast majority laugh at them and tell them to get a life. Needless to say, anyone even attempting to read this book in general should be commended, and one would think that someone with the balls to do an unabridged reading of it deserves to be heaped with praise. Well, yeah. In a way, they are. BUT, if you're going to do a recording and charge 275 fucking Euros for it, you better damn well be a professional. Unfortunately, Patrick Healey just seems like someone who did this as a bar bet, and it really shows in the recording.

A little common sense: if you're charging 275 euros for an audiobook, don't approach the material like a fucking Librivox recording. Healey takes a book that needs, nay, DEMANDS a slow, careful reading, and speeds through it like he only has a day to finish. To put this in perspective, the fantastic unabridged audiobook of Joyce's Ulysses spanned 40 CDs, with the book being around 600 pages long. Finnegans Wake is a longer book, a thousand times more dense, and Healey gets the fucker read on 17 discs. This makes it fucking impossible to reflect on anything that he says in the book, because once you think you understand what one sentence meant, he's already five pages ahead of you, laughing in your face.

The speed of his reading is the cause of another major issue with this audiobook: he frequently stutters, trips up on words, and has to start over. Are you fucking kidding me? Look, I know that with any reading of Finnegans Wake there's going to be issues with the words, but a professional would have that shit worked out before walking into the recording booth. If you're going so fast that you're fucking up the text, slow the fuck down. Finally, he reads every goddamn sentence with nary a change in tone, and when he does change his tone, its into some mumbling, slow bullshit that sounds like he hired one of the Kids of Widney High to take over for a few minutes. I have never, ever, ever in my life had a more annoying experience with an audiobook. It almost made me want to fly to Ireland so I can kick this guy in the nuts, even though I don't know if he even lives there.

For those saying that maybe this book can't be read well, I say bullshit. There's an abridged reading done by Jim Norton that, from what I've heard, sounds fantastic and professional. He actually takes his time with the text and doesn't marathon it. I would literally let this man take a shot in my mouth and fiddle with his taint if he would just record the entire goddamn book unabridged at this pace, but chances are I'm just going to be stuck with Healey's bullshit recording.

The only possible thing that could be worse than this reading would be War & Peace read by Rosie Perez, or Les Miserables by Chris Tucker. Other than that, this recording is crap, and if you love Joyce, do yourself a favor and just record yourself reading it to listen to. It's pretty much the same thing.

Some Thoughts at Work

2009-08-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

A patron walked by and was shocked that I shaved my beard, and said that he didn't recognize me without it. I actually shaved it a few months ago, so I guess he hasn't been here for awhile. He then stopped and walked back and said that I looked so baby-faced without it, then went to walk away again. He then stopped, for a third time, and said that I looked a lot younger, like his baby brother. Ordinarily this would just be friendly patron banter, but the fact that he commented on it three times, and even made it a point to come back to the desk solely for the purpose of mentioning it, made it seem a bit strange.

Driving to work I saw a group of young, presumably teenage girls in short shorts and bikini tops holding up signs for a car wash. A few blocks down I see another group of people advertising a car wash, only this time they were overweight Hispanic men in dirty T-shirts and baseball caps. I'd like to know how much business each car wash did.

A man came up and asked for books on Farrah Fawcett, and I told him that we didn't have any, and that none of our libraries had any that I could order. He got upset and said that it was ridiculous, since she was a big star. To reiterate this, he stated that she was as big as David Hasselhoff. The patron was not German.

I know that it's not the patron's fault that I have seven people simultaneously asking me questions, but it's still damn frustrating to have someone's problem being that "the internet doesn't work," and finding out that, upon inspection, the problem was that the person doesn't know how to double click on an icon.

Every single person I've ever talked to about it tells me that they use very little if anything that they've learned from their Library Science classes. Some of my coworkers are just adamant that once you get your degree you pretty much forget everything you learned. This leads me to the conclusion that Library Science is currently the world's most worthless degree, since the important stuff you can learn on the job. The only thing possibly most useless than library science is getting that MA in Robin Hood Studies offered at Nottingham University.

I used to want to change my name to Fritz Fitzgerald, but now I'm thinking that if I ever did change my name, it would be to Batman bin Suparman, like that one guy from Singapore. It would be great to have people forced to address me politely as "Mr. Suparman." Then again, it would probably be an embarrassment to be a slightly overweight, out of shape guy called "Batman."

Chocolate-covered bacon isn't as bad as you'd think. If you've ever eaten chocolate-covered pretzels, the taste is initially similar, but leaves a bacon-y aftertaste. I've also eaten bacon-filled waffles, which also taste good but are probably a reason why I get occasional excruciating chest pains.

A Tale of Two Princes

2009-08-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

Meat Slurry

2009-08-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

I read about this, and the idea of liquid meat is repulsive to me. In general, even though I love the taste of it, the idea of meat makes me want to vomit. But liquid meat? I didn't read the entire process of meat slurry, but my over-active imagination created images of flesh being ripped from chickens, dumped into some kind of metal tub filled with rotating blades, and churned over and over until some kind of meat-oatmeal concoction remained. I can see it vividly in my head, and I want to puke.

I forced myself to eat some chicken mcnuggets today for lunch, and I think the reason they didn't taste so good this time around was because I could not get the idea of meat slurry out of my head. The last time I had them, they tasted great. Now, there was something off about them. I've eaten canned pork and haven't had a problem with it. I love Spam and think that it's delicious and gets bad-mouthed too often. But meat slurry just sickens me.

Even the name of it, especially the name of it, makes it unappetizing. When I hear "slurry" I immediately think of cold, summer beverages, akin to Icees. Now imagine a meat Icee, filling up one of those cups to it's clear funnel lid. It's just wrong.

All meat-based food production is vile. Have you ever seen what a McRib looks like when you wash that sauce off of it? If you ever want to eat a McRib again, you won't look it up.

And not just fast food. If you stop and just look at a bunch of meat just lying around, it looks gross. Even "good" meat looks gross when you consider it for a while. Which is why I try my damnedest not to sit around considering meat. I just want to continue eating it because it tastes incredible.

Please scientists, continue working on meat substitutes that taste like meat. I love steak. I love chicken. I love bacon. I just don't want to think about meat slurry anymore. Maybe make a nerf-like meat structure that can be easily shaped and tastes exactly like meat. It can be done. It must be done. Hopefully, my children will eat genetically created Frankenfoods that don't look vile and taste delicious. And hopefully they'll never know the horror that is meat slurry.

The Art of Cinema

2009-08-01T04:17:00.000-07:00

A collection of some of the greatest film scenes of all time.

Movies With Titles So Bad You Don't Even Want to Ask for a Ticket

2009-07-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

Early this year I told my friend Sofia about what I thought was the shittiest movie title in the world. The film was reviewed in Shock Cinema magazine and was called POW! HARD SEX! It was a Japanese film I believe, and I know that these things don't translate well, but fuck, it was a bad title. After that we just went off naming movie after movie that we thought had a crappy, ill-advised title. Thus, the following list. These are films that, regardless of the merits as films, have titles so bad that it would be embarrassing to have to call a video store and ask if one of these were available.

The following list is of real movies. Unfortunately, this leaves out such great bad movie titles as Chubby Rain, DR. ACula, The Muppets Go Medieval, and The Blunch Black of Blotre Blame. I assure you, these titles are just as bad...or worse.

POW! HARD SEX!
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The Ghost and Mr. Chicken
The Apple Dumpling Gang
Donnie Darko
The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
Flubber
Sicko
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Server
Baseketball
Kustum Kar Kommandos
Look Who's Talking
Look Who's Talking Too
Look Who's Talking Now
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Frankenhooker
Space Jam
Juwanna mann
Pootie Tang
Baby's Day Out
Batman Forever
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
Redneck Zombies
Rabid Grannies
Killer Condom
Dead Dudes in the House
Don't Tell Mom the Baby Sitter's Dead
Maid to Order
Frankenweenie
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Friday After Next
Dude Where's My Car?
How High
Desperately Seeking Susan
The Breakfast Club
Children of the Corn
Sweet Sweetbacks Badasssss Song
Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead
Eight Heads in A Duffel Bag
For a Few Dollars More
Leonard Part 6
Boom!
The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit
Operation Dumbo Drop
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
Holes
The Howling 3: The Marsupials
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood
Soft Toilet Seats
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
Cop and a Half
Freddy Got Fingered
Octopussy
Slap Her..She's French
Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo
Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling So Sad
The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain
Snatch
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Rat Pfink a Boo Boo
The Pope Must Die(t)
Nuns on the Run
The Unbearable Likeness of Being
The Neverending Story II
Free Willy

Sofia listed some other films, but I didn't think the titles were all that bad. However, I did agree with the following:

Plump Fiction
Swept Away... by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August
King Ralph
Ed and His Dead Mother
Big Fish
The End of the World in Our Usual Bed in a Night Full of Rain
Black Snake Moan
The Man with the Golden Gun
The Shrimp on the Barbie
Julian Donkey-Boy
Summer Night, with Greek Profile, Almond Eyes and Scent of Basil
The Forbidden Dance
Roller Boogie
Lucky Number Slevin
Die Hard: With a Vengeance
A Joke of Destiny, Lying in Wait Around the Corner Like a Bandit
Live Free or Die Hard
Face/Off

Finally, I must mention The Shawshank Redemption. This is a good movie, but the title is so fucking bad that, if I remember correctly, it actually hurt its success at the box office. Then there's something like The Last of the Mobile Hot-Shots, which never would have found any success outside of the small niche of fanatical Tennessee Williams fans, regardless of the title. Then there's Quantum of Solace, which sucks even for a Bond title...I'll just stop now.

Lowering Your Standards for Explosions is Counterproductive

2009-07-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

I never saw the first Transformers movie for two reasons. One reason was that I never watched the cartoon as a child, so I had no attachment to these characters. The second was that it looked fucking retarded. Imagine my shock when, sitting in the theater ready to watch a typical blockbuster film (I think it was Star Trek), the preview for the sequel comes on, and it looks like it could be a damn fine film. It looked dark. The special effects looked great instead of obnoxious. There was a feeling of dread in that preview that made me reconsider my opinion of Michael Bay. I actually considered watching it.

Then, I saw another preview.

Aside from the special effects, the film looks like a steaming pile of metallic shit. I read some reviews, and I find out that it’s just more of Michael Bay’s typical bullshit. I don’t even want to catch this fucker in the dollar theater. I’ve seen some of his other films and know exactly what to expect. I believe that it is impossible for certain directors to make a film that I would want to see, since the type of shit that gets them off is the stuff that shrivels me up.

I bring this up because when I saw another film this weekend, I saw the preview for 2012, and it looked like a great “everyone is going to die” movie. Hell, I thought that maybe there might even be some decent character development and a good story to boot. Then I saw that it was directed by Roland Emmerich, the same numbnuts who did Independence Day and Godzilla, two films that I have an intense hatred for. Looks like I’ll be skipping this one, too.

I hate the argument that “it doesn’t matter if the acting and plot sucks, those special effects are awesome!” Or even “what were you expecting when you went to this movie?” People who make these arguments need to be punched repeatedly in the face. James Cameron consistently made great action films with believable characters and good plots. The first two Spider-Man films were fun and all around great movies. The Dark Knight was a great FILM that had a ton of action in it. There is no reason whatsoever for me to give leeway to these directors of shit films just because the genre they work in has a lot of explosions and fighting. Is it really too much to ask these people to hire someone to put a few days worth of effort into making the script believable? There’s really no excuse for this except laziness.

Of course, since Transformers 2 is raking in the cash, any positive effects The Dark Knight may have had on action films have been officially flushed down the shitter.

Cutest Dinner Scene Ever!

2009-07-19T15:27:00.001-07:00

My latest "opus." Enjoy!

You Close Your Eyes and Hope That This is Just Imagination

2009-06-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Imagine the following scene: a school-age boy, notebook in hand, staring at a TV set. He has the remote in his hand and keeps rewinding and watching certain parts of a video, then scribbling down notes. A closer inspection of the notebook shows several ovals with arrows going from one to another, with words like “slide” and “step” written next to the lines. He sets down the notebook, stands up, and tries to move his feet in the fashion he described. Seeing that it is not going to his liking, he grabs the remote and rewinds the video, watching a small fragment again. He practices again. He sits back down, frustrated, and writes more notes, watches the video some more, and finally gives up.

The video was “Thriller,” and the boy was me. I was a huge Michael Jackson fan as a kid, and my interest only died out, sadly along with a lot of other people, when his HIStory album came out. I loved Dangerous and Bad, and I still think Off the Wall is one of the best disco albums ever made. His videos floored me, and even when I didn’t like the songs, I always loved his videos. Fuck, I even watched that piece of shit Eddie Murphy video “Whatzupwitu” because Jackson was in the goddamn thing. I remember what an event, yes, a fucking EVENT it was when he was interviewed by Oprah. I watched that shit like a teenage girl watching Twilight. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. “Oh, so you have a crazy skin disease? That explains everything!”

Then all that child molestation bullshit happened. I remember how quickly everyone turned against him, including myself. There were jokes such as “What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common? Both have little boy’s pants half off!” I’m not going to deny that I thought he was a sick man, but his personal life didn’t make Thriller less of an album. His songs are still great, and nothing was going to change that.

The biggest shock about this to me is that he was so young. Only 50, and the fucker was still dancing his ass off. How the hell does this happen?
This is big. This is fucking Elvis big. No entertainer in recent memory has had the kind of impact and widespread appeal of Michael Jackson. I doubt that there was going to be any kind of comeback, but he didn’t need one. His musical reputation was untouchable.

I can’t say that I’ve been that big of a fan of his in recent years, but this has strangely hit me. Random patrons at my library approached me and said “did you hear about Michael Jackson?” A woman asked me if we had a TV in the library, and I did not think it was a dumb question. According to someone from another library, a woman ran out of a children’s program screaming when she found out. As for me, I found out when some teen volunteers were talking about it while signing in. I checked the news story and it just mentioned that he had a heart attack, so my initial reaction was “stupid teens always fucking blow this shit out of proportion.” A bit later, I checked Google news again, and it was confirmed. I was shocked, and so was everyone else. As I was leaving, a coworker walked in and asked if I heard the news. I said “yes,” but as she walked past me she had this look on her face that I had never seen before. It really looked like she was holding back tears.

Michael Jackson was known during the last years of his life as a freak, but I always liked what Dave Chappelle said about it. He said that whatever he did, he did it for us. He thought that by turning himself into this ghoulish thing, we would like him more. Then Dave said “thank you” to Michael, and that he appreciated it. I don’t know if anyone will know why he did what he did, but it really, really blows not having him around anymore. This gets thrown around a lot, but it fully applies: there has never been anyone like Michael Jackson.

I’m going to miss him.

The Conundrum of Film Series

2009-05-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

Why is it that in many films series, the second part is by far the best film? I was thinking about this while looking up information on the Star Trek films, and seeing that the vast majority of fans agree that Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan is the best film of the series. Here’s a list of films that most people agree are better than the first:

The Dark Knight
Terminator 2, Judgement Day
Aliens (I disagree, but only because I love the horror aspect of the original)
Toy Story 2
The Empire Strikes Back
Shrek 2
Spiderman 2
Superman 2
Evil Dead 2 (VERY hard for me to pick this over part one, but I must concur that it is a better film)
Dawn of the Dead (Almost impossible to pick this over NOTLD, but I understand why people do, even if I don’t)
Godfather 2
Bride of Frankenstein
X Men 2

I think Batman Returns was MUCH better than the first Batman film, but a lot of people are split on this one. Same with Addams Family Values. Another one that people split on is Gremlins, but there is no way in hell that part 2 was better than the first one, no matter how great it was.

Another interesting thing that I’ve noticed is that after making a fantastic second film, everything starts going down the shitter with the third film. The following films are outright HATED by people:

Alien 3
Superman 3
Spiderman 3
Return of the Jedi
Godfather 3
X Men 3

This isn’t always the case, but usually a crappy third act is typical in a film series, with an even worse fourth film (Batman & Robin, Superman 4) coming right after. Now, I loved The Dark Knight, but I firmly believe that the next film is going to be a pile of shit, unless Nolan is able to pull off the miraculous feat of not having a shit third act. I mean, because of how great Raimi did with the first two Spiderman films, I was legitimately shocked at how fucking AWFUL the third one was, and I don’t expect part 4 to be any better. Why does this happen? I mean, I figured that if the same director, same writers, and same crew came back, there’d still be a ton of great stuff to make a movie out of. What’s going on here? Why do film series peak with the second film and go downhill rapidly after the fact?

Roland Saint-Laurent’s Helpful Hints and Tips for Cramming

2009-04-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

When it comes to learning, I am one lazy SOB. In fact, right this minute, I should be focusing on similarities between Romance dialects and how Advanced Tongue Root may play a role in the heightening of mid vowels to high. But instead of doing that, I’m sitting here in the library, stubbornly refusing to do my work. In order to give myself some excuse for being unproductive, I’m going to share with you, my faithful reader, my advice for cramming a ton of info in your head for exams and whatnot. I started using this technique two years ago and the results were pretty damn impressive.

1: Write your notes by hand. NO TYPING.

This may not be entirely necessary, but it sure as hell worked for me. I found that when I had to write a ton of notes from my textbook by hand, I was forced to slow down, due to my hand cramping up all the time. The side effect was that by slowing down, more of the information seeped into my head, without me even noticing it until I went back to my notes. Now, I don’t do this all the time, and sometimes I cheat and just type some of it up, but the stuff I wrote by hand stuck with me longer than the stuff I just typed up.

2: Read the summary first.

This one will be familiar to anyone who’s ever tried learning about learning. When you read the summary, you get a nice outline of what the chapter is going to be about, and the key points are right there for you to watch out for when you go back to read the chapter. This really only works if your textbook has a GOOD summary and not some crappy three-sentence one that I’ve come across lately.

3. Read the chapters aloud.

This one’s a real pain to actually finish, but damn does it work. I tried this with my painfully dull Nonverbal Communication text, and the information stuck better than when I just read it silently. Again, this probably has to do with slowing down to digest everything, but it gets results and I think everyone should do it, especially with those ridiculously dense texts that you start getting saddled with as a grad student.

4. Record your notes and prepare to go insane.

I don’t remember where I heard about this trick, but it is by far the best of the lot. You’re going to need a ton of patience to do it, but if you’re anything like me, the results will definitely be worth the trouble. Get every single one of your notes and put them in a decent order. If you don’t have enough notes, grab your text and write down more. If you are lucky enough to have a study guide, go to town and write down everything mentioned on it. Fire up your computer and load any sound recording program that you have. Grab your microphone and record yourself reading every single note you have. Don’t just stop at the notes: read the chapter summaries, definitions to any terms that you’re having trouble with, anything that you know you’re going to need to know. Don’t leave anything out. Once you have it all recorded, either burn it to a CD or upload it into your MP3 player. Now listen to it until your ears bleed. Listen in the car, listen while going out for a walk, listen while doing random crap around your room. Even if you have it playing as “background music,” occasionally you will hear bits of info and start remembering them. Yes, you will get sick of hearing yourself, but that’s what you want. At some point your brain is just going to get fed up and let everything ooze in. I remember things better when I hear them, and when I hear something over and over and over again, it’s much easier to recall.

Another thing you’ll notice when you’ve been listening to your notes…if you go back and actually read the chapter again, you’re going to fly through it because you already know everything. You’ll be hearing yourself talk about it in your head, and whatever you forgot to jot down will be easily added to this knowledge, like an ornament.

Here’s my attempt to explain why this works: You’re bombarding yourself with information in three different ways. You’re reading the text, you’re writing the notes, and you’re listening to the information that you wrote down. Nothing takes the place of having a professor there to explain it to you, but if you’re working on this alone, this is a great way to stimulate the senses.

Those are my handy-dandy tips for cramming. Feel free to add your own, if you care to.

Aww, Leftovers Again?

2009-04-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

As brilliant as Disney was in their early years, they were always known for recycling. Whether it be older fairy tales, jokes, plastic cells, what have you, they always reused what they could. Here's a great video that I found on The Daily Dish which demonstrates how Disney reused scenes from their older films for newer ones. The main culprit appear to be Robin Hood, which was one of their most uninspired outings. I wonder just how much of this is going on in their films that people haven't caught onto yet?

Watch Disney Templates and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Fun With Writing Prompts

2009-04-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

"Your friend tells you he can pick up any girl at the bar, no matter what he says. You bet him $100 he can't. Create the world's worst pick up line and send your friend off into the crowd. What happens?"
--- Taken from Writer's Digest.

Periwinkle and Enrique were at a bar together, joking about the various women that they've been with. The subject came about due to an uncomfortable rash that Periwinkle had for the past two weeks, and these two rapscallions were trying to figure out the source. Enrique was particularly interested, mainly due to the fact that he took a great deal of pride in having his way with women after Periwinkle, and was nervous that a rash was right around the corner for him.

Enrique lifted his glass of Chianti and suggested that the bar was "dead," and that these two Lotharios may be better serviced at another bar. Periwinkle countered with the following:

"Tsk tsk! I thought you would have more nerve than that! Speak for yourself, fellow, for I, Periwinkle, can ravish any fine maiden from New York to Anaheim!"

Enrique slid his hand into his pocket and eyed Periwinkle. "Care to make it interesting?"

He pulled out a wad of rolled hundred dollar bills, and peeled off a $100 note. "I will lay down this hundred note, and say that you cannot have your way with the woman of my choosing."

Periwinkle grinned. "My fellow, your mind seems to have gone the way of your nerve! I will take this wager, and not only will I ravish this maiden, but I will supply the evidence of the fact afterward."

Enrique scanned the bar. Near the corner was a heavily-bosomed woman with pink lipstick, wavy hair, and long legs. Her complexion was that of a fine Colombian coffee, lightened with the sweetest of creams. Dear reader, a look from this maiden would leave not a single dry seat in the room. Lesser men nearby trembled with fear when she looked at them. They purchased her drink after drink, in hopes of receiving a smile. Even the hint of a smile would send tingles from a man's scalp to his nether regions. This was the challenge for Periwinkle.

"Ha!" laughed Periwinkle. "A simple matter. None can resist my charm. Observe, dear brother."

Periwinkle approached this maiden with a strut which brought shame to the other men. He pulled a stool from nearby and sat it directly in front of her. She patted her hair gingerly, wanting to keep it fine for what was coming. She was accustomed to crushing men, and wanted to look good while doing it.

Periwinkle spoke:

"You know, I couldn't help but notice your breasts from across the room. My father, bless his soul, was a cantaloupe grower, and throughout my life I have yearned to suckle a teat which would cause those memories to cascade down my vision, sending waves of euphoria all over my body. Maiden, those breasts of yours are reminiscent of those cantaloupes, and it would be a true honor for me to suckle them."

The woman stared at him, her mouth open slightly. Such words to her have never been spoken. She stood up, and laid her hand upon his arm.

"Let us retire to my van. I have it stationed nearby, and I cannot wait a moment longer. I do not want your name, dear sir, nor any further preliminaries. Let us away!"

Enrique was astounded. He held his glass aloft and said quietly, "Godspeed, young man. You truly are a man to be admired above all others."

Twenty minutes later Periwinkle ran back into the bar with deep scratches covering his face. "That fucking bitch robbed me!"

Enrique dropped his glass. "What the...what the hell happened?"

"She fucking pulled a knife on me and brought me to that ATM down at the 7/11. She made me pull out $300 bucks and then took my wallet! I don't even have my fucking car keys anymore because they fell out of my pocket in her van!"

"Christ, man. Should we call the cops?"

"No...this is embarrassing and I just want to go home. My mom's sick and she doesn't like me being out late."

"Well, damn bro. I'm sorry you didn't get to nail her."

Periwinkle brought his middle and index finger up to Enrique's nose.

"Who says I didn't?"

Blom!

2009-04-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

I found this on The Daily Dish. I make lame sound effects all the time, and I hope when I pump out a baby it's as giggly as this one.

One Post About Two Cohens

2009-04-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I completely forgot about Sacha Baron Cohen's film Bruno, which will make this the third film based on a character from The Ali G show. The preview looks goddamn hilarious, and can be found here:

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/04/02/bruno-red-band-movie-trailer/

Also, I've been mentally preparing myself for next week's Leonard Cohen concert by listening to every single album of his over and over. This may sound ordinary, except that I've never been a Cohen fan and bought the tickets because my girlfriend LOVES him. Prior to this barrage of Cohen, I'd only heard a few of his songs and thought they were pretty good. The only album I had of his was the much-hated Spector collaboration Death of a Ladies' Man, which I liked mainly because I'm a Spector fan, though the songs were pretty good. Anyhow, I basically put all of his albums on one MP3 CD and have played it continuously for three weeks now. I can't say that I love his music, but I have found many songs that I have enjoyed immensely. Plus, concerts are infinitely more enjoyable when you know the songs that are played, so by making myself familiar with his work, I'll enjoy it much more than I would have otherwise.

I have done this experiment before, where I listen to (or attempt to listen to) every single studio album a musician has pumped out. I tried it with Frank Zappa but stopped when I hit his late 70s stuff because it got extremely obnoxious and unbearable. Aside from that, I want to do this with more musicians. I think this is a great way to absorb an artist as a whole, and I have a ton of respect for Cohen after hearing how his music has changed over the years. When listened to chronologically, the I'm Your Man album is a VERY jarring experience. I think that this works best with artists that you feel indifferent about, that way the constant barrage of music will force an opinion out of you. Next up on my plate is Bruce Springsteen, someone who I think is pretty good, but don't really have anything else to say about him.

Of course, I'd love to spend a month listening to the music of an "artist" that I fucking hate, just to see if my bias holds water. I've entertained the idea of doing a Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson marathon, but I don't know if I have the courage for that yet. Maybe another musician widely considered to be crap would also work equally well. Not anything "ironic" bad or "bad but with artistic merit," I'm talking about total fucking CRAP. I'm still debating on it though.

By the way, anyone wondering how to get all of these albums legally, here's your answer: Your local public library. Libraries are the original peer-to-peer file sharing networks, and the Orange County and Los Angeles County public library systems will let you check out CDs and DVDs for free. There may be a small 25 cent request fee, but that's peanuts. Libraries are a fucking AMAZING asset, and now that the economy's in the shitter, more people are figuring that out. Use them, folks. That's what they're there for.

Anyhow, any music suggestions for total bombardment?

Movies I'm Actually (Somewhat) Excited About

2009-04-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

Last year was a surprisingly good one for films, at least for films that I like. Two films came out (Wall E and The Dark Knight) which I consider among the best of their specific genres, some great comedies (Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder), a great "man drama" (The Wrestler) and two political films that I really enjoyed (Frost/Nixon and W). So will this year live up to last year...at least for me? Not that you give a shit, but here are some films that I'm looking forward to this year:

Whatever Works

I've never seen a Woody Allen film in the theater, but I've been a fan of his for several years now. After having the one-two punch of seeing both Match Point and Crimes and Misdemeanors last year, I'm really anxious to see his new film. Its plot involves "a botched suicide attempt turned messy love triangle," which is enough to sell me on it. Plus it has the biggest asshole currently working in comedy, Larry David, as a main character in it. That alone makes me want to see it, along with the inevitable excursion to either Canters or Greenblatt's afterward for sandwiches and conversation.

Up

I didn't need to see the preview to know that this was gonna be worth watching. After all, it's Pixar, and they have never put out crap. Only the average Cars "steered" me wrong (GET IT???), but even that film was miles above anything the Disney studio's put out since their second golden age which ended with The Lion King. I finally saw the preview for this film before The Watchmen of all films, and was laughing my ass off. Before, I just wanted to see it because it's Pixar. Now, I want to see it because it looks fucking hilarious. God bless Pixar. Walt would be proud of them, and ashamed that the studio that bears his name can't fucking touch them when it comes to plot, animation, and entertainment.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Even though Warner Bros. did an extremely dick-headed move by bumping this movie up half a year after its scheduled release date just because they "needed a summer blockbuster" and no other reason, I'm still gonna go see it because the series has gotten much better since that shithead Chris Columbus left and let talented directors take over. Sorry Chris. As far as I'm concerned, Gremlins was the only masterpiece you ever did. Also, the series has gotten progressively darker, and even though I already know what's going to happen, I can't wait to see how it translates to the big screen. Still, it's fucking unnerving that the "kids" are adults now. They looked so doughey and short in that first film, and now they're all lanky with deep voices.

Where the Wild Things Are

Ridiculously hipster, since it's written by Dave Eggers and directed by Spike Jonze, but the very fact that they have actual puppet costumes is enough to sell me. Plus, Jonze has done some amazing films, and the preview looks great. I've read this book during my story times, and the kids love it, so I have that extra connection to the story. The only bitch is having to wait for it.

Star Trek

Ugh...I KNOW this film is going to suck balls, but I want to see it because last year I started watching Star Trek The Original Series for the first time, and I liked the idea of these planet-hopping schmucks going on adventures. The show was fun, and I want to see this film against my better judgment. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't turn out to be crap.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I was unimpressed by the first X-Men film, but I've heard good things about the second one (and because of the rule of 3, the third one allegedly blows). Plus, I'm a sucker for superhero movies. Another reason why I'm interested in this film is because it has an "indie" director (Gavin Hood) at the helm. For some reason, I trust "indie" directors to do the right thing with superhero films, but I might actually wait and read some reviews before seeing this one.

The Wolf Man

I'm extremely torn with this one. On one hand, I LOVE werewolf legends and think that the mythology behind werewolves is damn interesting, plus the film stars Benicio Del Toro, who actually looks like a fucking werewolf and probably needed very little makeup for those transformation scenes. On the other hand, it's directed by Joe Johnston, who directed Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Jumanji, Jurassic Park III, and The Pagemaster. While The first two of those films I mentioned weren't terrible, they weren't great either. I don't expect this film to have that "arty" touch that I like in horror films, so if I see this in the theater, it will be with lowered expectations.

Inglourious Basterds

It's Quentin Tarantino. Grindhouse was fucking amazing, as was Kill Bill and pretty much everything else that he's shit out...with the exception of Four Rooms, which he should lose a finger for. Anyhow, yes...another WWII film, with an abundance of violence and Nazi-killing excitement. Unless he really fucked up and accidentally made a piece of shit, I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving the theater satisfied with this one.

The Lovely Bones
I love Peter Jackson. Everything he's ever done is great, from Bad Taste to King Kong. I don't know what this film is about, but some people are comparing it to Heavenly Creatures, which everyone needs to go out and rent immediately. This man is overflowing with talent, and I'm glad that he's finally going to have something new for me to watch this year.

That's all I can think of. I'll add others as I find them.

Motion Comics: More Crap That I Like

2009-03-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to the store (Target, if you're that nosey) and looked at the DVD section. I like browsing the DVDs because in these hard economic times there are usually some pretty sweet deals, like when I bought the first two seasons of The Outer Limits for a cool $14. Anyhow, I saw something which really threw me. Some of you may remember my review of the Watchmen film. If you don't, look for it on my site (a bit of warning, finding it might be hard, since it's buried in the archives). In that review I lavished some pretty heavy praise on it, and until I watch it again and become disillusioned, I stand by what I said. Anyhow, there was a huge amount of promotion for this film, and one of the tie-ins was a cartoon of the comic-within-a-comic "Tales of the Black Freighter," available on DVD. I didn't really understand how this story tied in with everything else, but I do intend on watching it once Netflix sends it. I also saw another, much more intriguing thing right next to that DVD. It was a DVD called "Watchmen, The Complete Motion Comic." I read the back and became immediately interested. Apparently, every single panel of the original comic book was enlarged, given slight animation, a panning camera, music, sound effects, and narration. Now, I like to do what I call "double teaming,' which is reading a book and listening to the audiobook at the same time. While some may consider this cheating, I find that it helps me understand the text a lot more, especially with authors such as Joseph Conrad, whos writing is always straddling the line between boring and brilliance. Anyhow, I watched an episode of this Watchmen animated comic, and I was blown away. This is the most faithful adaptation anyone will ever see of this comic book, since it's basically the entire damn comic except for the pure-print sections at the end of each volume. The technique used is very effective, and drew me into the story so much that I wanted to watch all five hours of it, even though I've already read the comic and seen the movie. I've read other reviews of it, and the main problem people have is that all of the voice work is done by one man. It is a bit jarring at first to see a woman and hear a man's feminized voice doing the dialog, but as someone accustomed to this in audiobooks, I got over it. I fully realize that this was done purely to make money out of fans of the comic, but it's still a great concept and I hope that it catches on. There's already a motion comic of some Batman comics being done, and Marvel's also having a go at it. I'd love to see some of the stuff that I read when I was younger (such as Spawn) given this treatment. It's apparently fairly cheap to do, and there definitely is a market for it.

And maybe, further down the road, some pervert will take some Tijuana Bibles and give them the motion comic treatment. Not that I'd watch them, of course.

Watch, Man!

2009-03-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

I saw Watchmen this weekend, and it was a fucking masterpiece. I've also been reading reviews/comments about the film, and I am shocked at how bitchy people are being about it. Some are saying that it followed the book too closely, and that it didn't really "breath" as a film on its own. I say that's a load of horseshit. I've read the damn comic and I thought that the film holds it's own, regardless of how brilliant the comic is. My girlfriend never read the comic and also thought it was great, so it does have appeal outside the comic community. Other people are saying that the sex scene was ridiculous, that Dr. Manhattan's gigantic schlong was too distracting, that it was too this, that it was too that, blah blah blah. I knew that the film wouldn't please everyone, but I can safely say that this film can sit snuggly next to The Dark Knight and Spiderman 2 as one of the best superhero films ever made.

Above is the title sequence (not anymore...the website that hosted it no longer has it up. They were douchebags anyhow), which is probably the best one I have ever seen in a film. It captures the environment that the movie is set in, has a great old-time feel to it, and gives you something of a backstory for the characters involved. As a work of art, I honestly think that the titles succeed more than the film itself. That's not to take away anything from the film, though.

One thing that is interesting about it all, for me at least, is the fact that adaptations are tricky as fuck, and always leave some people pissed off. It's damn hard to get an adaptation right, and some fans refuse to understand that what works in a comic or a book might not translate well into a full-length film. I remember years ago people complaining that in the Spiderman films he can shoot the webs out of his wrists as opposed to creating webshooters with a limited amount of fluid. Is it really that much of an issue? I mean, it's a fucking guy that was bit by a spider and now can walk on walls, but you're gonna bitch about webshooters? If a film is done well, it should be seen as a separate thing, a compliment to the original source. I thought that the first couple of Harry Potter films were atrocious pieces of shit simply because they tried way too fucking hard to remain close to the books. It was only later when they got better directors that the films were able to breath and become good films in their own right.

My favorite book is Ulysses, and I have seen the movie Bloom. I hated it, but not because I thought that they tarnished my precious book. It mainly had to do with poor casting, shitty acting, bad direction, and the fact that the whole damn thing looked like it was filmed on a camcorder. When I was heavy into Stephen King, I knew that Carrie was a much better film than book. I haven't read The Shining, but if the made for TV version is more faithful to the book than Kubrick's "bastardization," then I'd have to say that Kubrick was right to change the story around for his film. I'm sorry, walking plants aren't as scary as a claustrophobic maze with a killer chasing you with an ax.

The best directors have a vision which matches that of the author of the original source. While the creators of Watchmen has pretty much disregarded the film, I think that it's a masterpiece that anyone who is a fan of this kind of thing would like. It's the smartest superhero film ever made, and the director did a great job of adding all kinds of small elements that only fans of the book would get, while not neglecting the vast majority of moviegoers who have never read it. Stop being a douchebag and go see it.

But cover your ears once the final credits roll. That cover of Desolation Row is one of the worst fucking Dylan covers I've heard, and there are A LOT to choose from. Thankfully the schmucks who covered it didn't do all the verses.

OK Kids, Gather 'Round, It's Storytime!!!

2009-02-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

Really Scott? The next Bobby Kennedy? This guy is the biggest fucking dork I've ever seen take the political stage. Christ, I don't even talk this way to my storytime kids. This douche makes Rick Moranis look like Vin Diesel. It sounds like he's about to say "Garsh!" before each sentence. I love when "important" people eat it in front of millions, so this clip was pure gold in entertainment value. Even Fox News said this was crap. Yes, FOX NEWS.

Jim Goad said he "looks like Gilligan dipped in iodine." Someone on The Daily Dish said, "That was like watching Will Smith vs. Urkle." Some guy named "Ace" said, "I don't care how much of a star Jindal is, America doesn't elect somewhat-off dorks as president."

Since Obama is also a dork, I'm looking forward to the jock/bro reaction to an Obama/Jindal showdown in 2012.

By the way, to ensure everyone that I'm fair...Obama also blows, and I'm glad I didn't vote for him or that bulldog-looking geezer and his daughter.

SPOILER ALERT!

2009-02-07T08:41:00.001-08:00

There is no god.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Boredom

2009-02-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

I don't watch a lot of Oscar-nominated films, but the ones that I do see, at least the more recent ones, usually leave me feeling hollow inside. I saw most of Shakespeare in Love and didn't get the appeal. I saw Chicago and thought that it was average. Anyhow, as the Oscars are notorious for getting it WRONG, I shouldn't have been too surprised that the two best films that I saw last year didn't get nominated for best picture (in case you're wondering, I'm referring to the crowd-pleasing Wall-E and The Dark Knight). The film that got the most nominations, however, leaves me feeling truly baffled, as I don't understand why it did. I'm referring to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but before I talk about that, a little background:

The director of TCCOBB is David Fincher, a man who's pumped out some gritty films that I've loved. These include Seven, The Game, Fight Club, and the delightful Panic Room. I loved his dark style and how the plots to his films are usually mind-fucks. I haven't seen Zodiac, but I've heard that it was also pretty good. I try to take note of certain directors, and use them as an indicator as to whether or not I should go see a movie. In fact, as interested as I am in the story of Harvey Milk, I refuse to see the also Oscar-nominated film Milk because it was directed by Gus Van Sant, a man who created two of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever had the misfortune of viewing (Last Days and Psycho, if you're interested). When I heard that Fincher directed TCCOBB, I figured that at the very least, I would be entertained. Hell, I even liked Alien 3, which he directed, and almost everyone else hates it.

The first warning sign should have been that the screenplay was written by Eric Roth. This man wrote Forest Gump, which was a good, entertaining movie, but had an underlying philosophy that I found loathsome. He also wrote Ali, The Horse Whisperer, and The Insider, films that I have no intention of ever seeing. Before seeing the film I read that he wrote it, but I figured that since his other films haven't really been considered terrible (except for The Postman), then TCCOBB would at least have a decent script.

Another thing that should have sent up a warning sign was that the website Film Threat gave it a negative review. Most movie dorks have their own personal reviewers that they go to for advice on what to see. I choose Film Threat. Sure, they've steered me wrong in the past (Clerks 2), but most of the time they're on the money. I also questioned the film when I found out that Roger Ebert disliked it. I don't follow Ebert as closely as I do Film Threat, and I know he's made some real asinine recommendations, but I still agree with him most of the time. In fact, to this day I haven't read a glowing review of TCCOBB, but it's not like I've actively gone out seeking one.

Anyhow, I finally saw this film. The only thing I can compare my reaction to is when I went to Starbucks and ordered their Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, and they told me that they ran out of salt. I ordered it anyway and it tasted average. It was not the mind-blowing delicious flavor that I was accustomed to. Thus, TCCOBB was NOT the delicious Fincher flavor that I was accustomed to, and I can't help but wonder why the fuck this movie got so many Oscar nods. I mean, shitty movies have been nominated in the past, but this one really floors me. Aside from the well-known fact that this nearly three-hour opus is an excellent cure for insomnia, there's nothing at all special about this film. It has a neat plot, but the title character is such an uninteresting bore that the film just falls to pieces. You can't have a character study with a main character that is impossible to either like or hate. I mean, I truly don't understand how the viewer could possibly LIKE Benjamin. He doesn't do anything of note; he just reacts to what's going on around him. At least Forest Gump was a likeable idiot. Benjamin is just some borderline retarded old man for half the film, then turns into an uninteresting middle aged man, then turns into a teen, and during all these years of his life he doesn't actually DO anything which would make the viewer care about him.

Benjamin

Others have pointed this out before, but I'll repeat that the film's structure is also a little too close to Forest Gump for comfort. That won't bother most people, so if the idea of a 2 1/2 hour Forest Gump with a reverse-aging freak and without the snappy tunes appeals to you, then you might like this film. I also disliked the audience-manipulating death of Benjamin. I know that it was unavoidable, but still, seeing a baby die is pretty damn manipulative, I don't care how plot-relevant it is.

One last complaint. The way the story is framed is completely unnecessary. The dying woman in the hospital stands as one of the most excruciatingly annoying characters I've had to deal with in a film, and this has to do solely with her voice. My girlfriend and I both cringed every time she opened her mouth and wheezed out more of her deathbed crap. These scenes could have been snipped out and the film would not have changed too much, except for the lame "Oh my goodness, Benjamin is my father!" revelation falling into the trash bin.

By the way, speaking of filler, I saw My Fair Lady and thought that it was OK, except for Eliza's father. That character could have been completely removed, and the film not only would have flowed better, but it would have been much shorter, too. I don't know why they gave a completely unnecessary character the longest songs. But I digress.

I have nothing else to say about this film, except that it is probably the worst film I've even seen get nominated for so many Oscars. I've heard that Crash is a real piece of shit, but I'll never know because I'm never going to watch it. Also, because the two best films that I saw last year weren't nominated for best picture, I'll once again avoid watching this annual orgy of back-patting and smirking. I don't know who's hosting, but I don't see how anyone can pump any kind of excitement into yet another uninspired collection of films. Ah well. Perhaps next year.

Disc Jockey

2009-01-31T23:08:00.000-08:00

A video I made for the song Disc Jockey by Adriano Celentano. I have nothing clever to say about it, except that I used clips from a few films that I liked.

Experiment Number 2

2009-01-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

My second video. Less disturbing, but still joyous.

Ode to Joy

2009-01-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, my first video. It's titled "Ode to Joy," and is mainly disturbing/sad/funny images with exceedingly happy music. I hope you like it, because it's my baby.

McNeeley Can Eat It

2009-01-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I hated most sports. In fact, I took weighlifting in high school specifically because I didn't want to play a sport, and it was the only other option available. A tradition that I do miss, however, was my dad inviting a bunch of people over to watch a boxing match. Even though I hated sports, I enjoyed boxing, mainly because it was so basic. Two guys beating each other up...how could an angry teenageer not enjoy it? I never had a favorite boxer, but I tended to root for underdogs. Thus, when Mike Tyson had his post-rape "comeback" fight against Peter McNeeley, I rooted for McNeeley. I remember everyone gathered around that cramped living room, loud, speaking Spanish, and gulping down mouthfulls of beer. I was off to a corner, not really talking to anyone, and the only thing I would do is holler "MCNEELEY!!!!" when he would show up on the screen. No one really backed either of the boxers, but they were pretty sure that McNeeley would end up flat on his rear end. Regardless, everyone was pretty excited about the fight, myself included.

Finally, after a retardedly long build up that NO ONE was interested in, the fight started. I hesitate to call this farce a "fight," but that's what it was billed as. After 89 pathetic seconds, McNeeley's manager threw in the towel, under the lame excuse that he was preventing him from taking any further damage. Everyone in that room was furious that the fight ended so quickly, and it was generally assumed that this match was a sham and that we were all ripped off.

Other McNeeley embarrassments in the ring include him getting floored by Butterbean in one round, and then getting knocked down in the second round against Henry Akinwande.

As pathetic as McNeeley was in the ring, it turns out that he's even more pathetic out in the real world. According to Wikipedia, in 1998 he was found passed out drunk outside of a sub shop in Massachusetts. In 2006 he was arrested for punching a man and stealing his wallet (the man was probably more stunned by the punch than anything else, since this schmuck can't box). Finally, in 2006 he was arrested yet again, this time for driving a getaway car used in a Walgreens robbery. In addition to $180, he also stole a fanny pack. As sad as it is, getting "knocked down" in a fake fight with Mike Tyson was the highlight of this idiot's career.

It might seem easy to make fun of a washed-up boxer, but I don't care. All I remember is that night, watching the Tyson/McNeeley match, I was pumped up and excited for the fight. What I got was a joke, which permanently destroyed not only how I viewed boxing, but professional sports in general. It was so obvious that the fight was fixed, that I was even more bitter after the fight than I was before. Thanks a lot, jerk. You ruined the only sport I liked.

The Rectum Ripper

2009-01-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

When I think about delicious products that I want in my mouth, the last thing I think of is the word “rectum.” However, among hot sauce fans, there is apparently some strange correlation between an appealing sauce and excruciating pain in the anus. The following products are real, and since I am no fan of either hot sauces or a painful derriere, I’ll skip them and let you report back to me whether or not it was as delicious as it was advertised.

Roland's Big List of Lists

2009-01-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

Top 5 Movies

A Streetcar Named Desire
Citizen Kane
Jules et Jim
Goodfellas
Polyester

Top 5 Albums

Beck - Mellow Gold
Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited
Tiny Tim - God Bless Tiny Tim
Michel Polnareff - Love Me Please Love Me
The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds

Top 5 Books

James Joyce - Ulysses
William S. Burroughs - Naked Lunch
John Steinbeck - The Grapes of Wrath
H.G. Wells - War of the Worlds
Irvine Welsh - Trainspotting

Top 5 Gardens

Giverny
The one at Versailles
The Huntington Library's Botanical Garden
Gilgal Garden
The one that was in my girlfriend's back yard before the goat ate all the plants

Top 5 Buildings

The Burj Al Arab
The Louvre (except for that retarded pyramid)
The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City
The Los Angeles City Library
Motel 6 in Eugene, OR

Top 5 Drinks (alcoholic)

Washington Apple
Cape Cod
Adios
Fat Bastard Wine
Long Island Iced Tea

Top 5 Drinks (non-alcoholic)

Coffee (Decaf)
Tea (Decaf)
Caffeine-free Pepsi
Sierra Mist
Water

Top 5 Foods

Hamburgers
French Fries
Pork Chops
Chick-Fil-A Original Chicken Sandwiches
Philippe's French Dips

Top 5 Wars

The Revolutionary War
The Napoleonic Wars
The Great War
The Civil War
The War on Poverty

Top 5 Presidents

Abe Lincoln
Thomas Jefferson
Richard Nixon
Herbert Hoover
FDR

Top 5 Websites

Jim Goad's Netjerk Lounge
Failblog
Cracked
I Don't Like You in That Way
This one.

Top 5 Fingers

Pinky
Ring
Middle
Index
Thumb

1001 Things You Must Do Before You Die...But Can't

2009-01-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a huge fan of lists, and since I can't seem to accomplish much else in life, I always try my hand at completing some list or other. My earliest attempt was the AFI 100 movies list. I started on it when the list first came out, but gave up on it when I started viewing movies which may have been important, maybe even groundbreaking, but bored the living shit out of me ("The Jazz Singer" and "Birth of a Nation," I'm looking at YOU). However, every now and then I get an urge to start on a list, just to feel like I've done something productive with my dicking-around time. I've made attempts at the Modern Library's 100 Novels list, the Radcliffe Rival list, the updated AFI movie list, and even some album lists. I have yet to finish a single one of them, but I've gotten pretty well along and have found some amazing new stuff because of these lists. Thus, I feel vindicated for the time spent.

There is another list, though, that has held a strange appeal over me. Actually, it's a series of lists, and while they may seem pretty cool upon first encountering them, when you get into it, you want to kill the editors for giving you false hopes. The lists I'm talking about are the "1000 (blank) You Must (blank) Before You Die" lists. These books are fat, pretty, and seem like nirvana for dorks. There are tons of nice illustrations, and just flipping through one of these fuckers is enough to make you cream in your jeans. Just don't make the mistake of actually trying to complete one of these lists. The editors, who may be decent folks, put these books together in such an insidiously evil way that you will never finish these lists unless you're scary-obsessive and have resources at the tips of your fingers that other mere mortals do not.

Take the "1001 Books" book. I'm going to ignore many of the flaws in the book and only mention one. This flaw, however, is so glaring that you wonder how the editor was given his job. The flaw is this: some of the books are unavailable in English. Now, it may only be a few books, and if you do some serious, hard-core digging, you may find an elusive copy of Mann's "Professor Unrat" in English, but still, if you're going to put out a book like this, shouldn't availability be a bare-minimum for inclusion? The most egregious example is "The Taebek Mountains," a book that has never been published in English, and which there are no plans whatsoever for translating into English. So unless you speak Korean, you will never read this book. Now some smart-ass out there may point out that you can get a French translation...well guess what? That translation isn't even complete. It's only of a few volumes, and who knows when it will ever be finished? Thus, YOU WILL NEVER FINISH THIS LIST.

Also, I have been looking through the "1001 Movies" list, and have been shocked at how many films are completely unavailable, not just on DVD, but also on VHS. Bruce Conner's short film "Report" is only available as a $30 rental on 16mm film, so unless you have a projector, you will never see this movie. Also, there are over 100 movies on the list that are not available on DVD, some not available on VHS, and a few that have never been released here. Why, why, WHY make these fucking lists if you can't easily access the materials? OK, I understand why "Scorpio Rising" made the list, and at least that one finally got a DVD release, but many others have not been as lucky. If it hasn't been on the market in the last ten or twenty years, it has no business being in this fucking book. NEXT!

The "1001 Albums" list is a little better, but just keep in mind that the Loretta Lynn album is only on vinyl. I haven't gone through the entire list yet, but considering what I've encountered in the prior two books, I can only imagine that some shit will be on the list that's only available as a limited-edition 8 track released only in New Zealand. Thanks a lot, dickheads!

These books have become quite a sensation, and there are volumes with gardens, paintings, buildings, wines, and fucking FOODS that you must see, drink, and eat before finally dying. I'm sure that the gardens book includes the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the paintings book a picture that Van Gogh painted over and then burned, the buildings book the Stardust casino, the wine book some shit that was aged in California but then smashed outside the French consulate by pro-war protesters, and the food book slabs of mammoth bathed in dodo eggs.

Enough bitching. In my next post, I'll throw up some of my own lists.

2008 We Hardly Knew Ye

2008-12-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

I'm on Twitter now. Maybe you care. Quite possibly you don't. If you're of the creepy stalker persuasion, you can follow my ass via the following info:

RolandStLaurent

A few things before the year ends.

I got to experience the economic shit storm first hand by having my hours cut in half at work. While this gives me more time to work on my classes and dick around, I do miss having the extra money to save up. Usually when I'd hear about disasters in the news I was little affected by them, but this time it wasn't the case. I also bought $3,000+ worth of stock this year, since I finally felt confident enough to invest. Then I got to see my money disappear. I know that I'll get it back eventually, but it's still pretty fucking funny. I don't know if our new Jesus-In-Chief Barack Obama can save us all, but if by the end of his term I have more money and can see a doctor, then MAYBE I'll break with my principles and vote for a Democrat.

Speaking of politics, this election season was by far the most interesting one I've ever seen, aside from 2000 Green Party run. Since politics is just "show business for ugly people" (I think Paul Begala said that), they all put on a hell of a show this year, and I commend them for it. Too bad the debates were dull as fuck.

I graduated this year, and I thank my fantastic girlfriend Nelissa for supporting me through it all. Actually, I'm glad she put up with a lot of my shit this year. One year and she hasn't dumped my ass yet. Must be doing SOMETHING right.

My friend Sofia wanted me to include the following: Sofia's on meds and seems to be coming to. We've also known each other for ten years now and have managed not to kill each other. Amazing.

Also, I'd like to give thanks to Scott Douglas, blogger extraordinaire and my supervisor at work. Not only am I now immortalized by being included in his book "Quiet Please," but he also let me guest blog at his own site and has in general encouraged me to write. Sure, I've let this blog fall to the side recently, but I'm still glad for the support, even though he called me fat at work the other week. He also asked me to be in his wedding, though fortunately not as the bride. Congrats to both him and his wife, and I hope they start having kids soon.

Um, I also don't have Jury Duty, so that's a plus.

As for trips, Phoenix Arizona was fucking boring. The only good thing was the Mystery Castle, which everyone should see. Also, Nelissa and I got to experience the amazing Salton Sea when we visited Salvation Mountain (you must see it, even if you're a non-believer). As soon as we left the Salton Sea I spent an ass-load of time reading up on it, and watched the documentary Plagues and Pleasures on the Salton Sea, which is damn funny and worth a view. Hearst Castle was dull, and Solvang had some good goddamn pastries.

The Bush years will officially end next month. I think I speak for most people when I say that we learned a lot about what a president can get away with in the midst of a pretend war. I can't wait for thirty years to pass, so we can fully appreciate the consequences of what happened.

Will next year be as exciting as this one? Who knows. I should be leaving for Denver next week, and I still have no idea where I'll be ringing in the new year. Y'all take care.

Interesting Things I've Stumbled Upon

2008-12-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

I have recently become interested in cult books and plan on writing about them in the future. In the meantime, here's a link to a review of Kahlil Gibran’s Collected Works by Alan Jacobs, probably one of the funniest reviews I've ever read. Yeah, it starts getting tired around the middle and loses steam, but I laughed out loud at the opening:

"Expansive and yet vacuous is the prose of Kahlil Gibran,
And weary grows the mind doomed to read it.
The hours of my penance lengthen,
The penance established for me by the editor of this magazine,
And those hours may be numbered as the sands of the desert.
And for each of them Kahlil Gibran has prepared
Another ornamental phrase,
Another faux-Biblical cadence,
Another affirmation proverbial in its intent
But alas! lacking the moral substance,
The peasant shrewdness, of the true proverb."

The rest can be found here:

http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=6068

Also, I have an somewhat disgusting fascination with Ayn Rand. Not that I believe her "philosophy," but because I am intrigued by the idea of a cult made up of allegedly superior intellects. If you're interested in dating one of these superior creatures, here's an article I found through The Daily Dish about a dating site for Ayn Rand fans. A warning to the ladies: If you've actually read an Ayn Rand book and know how the sex scenes work, then you know that setting up a date with one of these charmers will undoubtedly end in rape. If he likes you enough, that is.

Here's one stud that's sure to moisten your drawers:

"thustotyrants, Selden, New York
[I am] short, stark, and mansome.

You should contact me if you are a skinny woman. If your words are a meaningful progression of concepts rather than a series of vocalizations induced by your spinal cord for the purpose of complementing my tone of voice. If you’ve seen the meatbot, the walking automaton, the pod-people, the dense, glazy-eyed substrate through which living organisms such as myself must escape to reach air and sunlight. If you’ve realized that if speech is to be regarded as a cognitive function, technically they aren’t speaking, and you don’t have to listen."

http://nymag.com/news/features/artifact/51814/

Thank You, Real Time

2008-10-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

With the election a couple of weeks away, and with absolutely nothing insightful to say on my part, I've decided to offer you a picture of our next president in an awkward situation. I stole it from Bill Maher's show "Real Time," so a tip of my hat to the good folks there.

Scott asked me "what happened to your blog?" So, in answer to the three people who are wondering the same thing: Linguistics happened.

Why I Am No Longer "With It"

2008-09-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, I came to the shocking conclusion that I was no longer "hip" or "with it." The following videos are songs that have made me hate the music industry and perhaps even more so, the fans. I can now finally say that I am out of it, and slowly moving my way into the land of old men.

Roland's Weekend Movie

2008-09-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

Here's one of the greatest B-movies of all time: The Brain That Wouldn't Die. This film has absolutely everything you could want in a film: a talking head, a mutant who rips someone's arm off, and a fantastic soundtrack. I plan on writing the novelization to this film at some point.

Roland's Weekend Movie

2008-08-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

Yet another French favorite...this one is 1902's A Trip To the Moon, inspired by my recent excitement over the work of H.G. Wells.

Why You Shouldn't Read My Blog

2008-08-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

First of all, there are thousands upon thousands of other blogs out there. I'm just some random guy with dubious credentials. My only claim to "fame" is that I happened to be in a book by someone I work with. There's no skill in that.

I don't update this blog very often, and when I do it's usually wordy blather on unimportant topics that few, if any, readers actually care about. Also, in a lame attempt to increase the number of posts, I sometimes post things that I didn't even write: witness the poems I've posted and the lame "Weekend Movie" concept: a direct rip-off of Scott Douglas' "Weekend Funnies" feature.

My attempts at humor are pedestrian, frequently focusing on the prurient, and usually fall flat. There is nary a chuckle, guffaw, or smirk to be found on this site.

This blog has no personality. Usually there's a theme to blogs, but mine comes off as the journal of some angry guy who works in a library. There isn't any motif that runs through the blog. It's all over the place, which shows a shocking lack of professionalism, not to mention the glaring grammatical and spelling errors.

Unless you know me personally, you have no reason to read this blog, and even then, why would you bother? This is yet another vanity blog, as if the world needed another one.

There are plenty of other, more interesting, PROFESSIONAL humor sites that you can visit. Your time is better spent going there than here. I personally recommend Cracked, Jim Goad‘s site, Christian Humorist, and The Best Page in the Universe.

This site may very well go the way of my last two sites, Love, God, Sex, and Burgers and The Self-Help Review! Both were rarely updated and eventually abandoned. I have since recycled some of the material on those sites for other posts, which further shows my lack of interest in your entertainment.

There is nothing original on this blog. Even this post, which is specifically telling you to leave the site because of its boring content, has probably already been done by someone else, and better.

Librarians Should Never Become Poets

2008-08-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

Theophile Marzials wrote what is considered to be the worst poem ever written in the English language: "A Tragedy." He also happened to be a librarian, and according to the book Very Bad Poetry, he "once interrupted a hushed library room by loudly declaiming: 'Am I not the darling of the British Museum Reading Room?'" Anyhow, as a service to anyone who works at a library, here's the poem. Go forth and write, for the bottom has already been reached, and there's nowhere to go but up.

A Tragedy

Death!
Plop.
The barges down in the river flop.
Flop, plop.
Above, beneath.
From the slimy branches the grey drips drop,
As they scraggle black on the thin grey sky,
Where the black cloud rack-hackles drizzle and fly
To the oozy waters, that lounge and flop
On the black scrag piles, where the loose cords plop,
As the raw wind whines in the thin tree-top.
Plop, plop.
And scudding by
The boatmen call out hoy! and hey!
All is running water and sky,
And my head shrieks – "Stop,"
And my heart shrieks – "Die."
My thought is running out of my head;
My love is running out of my heart,
My soul runs after, and leaves me as dead,
For my life runs after to catch them -- and fled
They all are every one! – and I stand, and start,
At the water that oozes up, plop and plop,
On the barges that flop
And dizzy me dead.I might reel and drop.
Plop.
Dead.
And the shrill wind whines in the thin tree-top
Flop, plop.
A curse on him.
Ugh! yet I knew – I knew --
If a woman is false can a friend be true?
It was only a lie from beginning to end --
My Devil – My "Friend"
I had trusted the whole of my living to!
Ugh; and I knew!
Ugh!
So what do I care,
And my head is empty as air --
I can do,
I can dare,
(Plop, plop
The barges flop
Drip drop.)
I can dare! I can dare!
And let myself all run away with my head
And stop.
Drop.
Dead.
Plop, flop.

Plop.

Roland's Weekend Movie

2008-08-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be a "neat" idea to occasionally post a full-length film here, like I did last week with that 8 minute epic Batman film. So, here's 1928's "The Passion Of Joan Of Arc." There's no soundtrack, since apparently the original film did not have one. It's famous for Falconetti's performance as Joan, which is pretty goddamn powerful. It's a much better "passion" film that Mel Gibson's S & M Jesus flick that came out years ago.

Incidentally, I saw "The Passion Of the Christ" as a date film. The date went very well, even if the courtship didn't.

Here's the film. Enjoy!

Cheesy poetry

2008-08-22T19:43:00.001-07:00

There's a book out called "Very Bad Poetry." I used to write some bad poetry, and I have a sick fascination with seeing what kind of shit other people put out. Here's a great one about cheese. Enjoy!

Ode on the Mammoth Cheese

We have seen the Queen of cheese,
Laying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze --
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you'll go
To the great Provincial Show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees --
Or as the leaves upon the trees --
It did require to make thee please,
And stand unrivalled Queen of Cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to send you off as far as
The great World's show at Paris.

Of the youth -- beware of these --
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek; then songs or glees
We could not sing o' Queen of Cheese.

We'rt thou suspended from baloon,
You'd cast a shade, even at noon;
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.

James McIntyre

Ah, those wacky Dems.

2008-08-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but I have a special hatred set aside for the Dems since, allegedly, they "own" my vote. See, I was one of the people who voted for Nader in 2000, and who get blamed for handing the election over to Bush. First of all, I truly did not give a shit whether or not Bush or Gore won. They were both douchebags, and I didn't want to waste my vote on them. I had the silly notion that, you know, my vote MATTERED. Everyone who sits around bitching about how we lost a potentially great president is forgetting how lame a candidate Al Gore was...so lame that he lost his home state to Bush, and that he picked as a running mate the loathsome Joe Lieberman. Anyhow, the next election rolled around, I followed the primaries, and I said to myself, "If John Kerry gets the nomination, I will not vote for this party." Well, we all know how that turned out, and I voted for Nader once again.

So here we are, with the Bush administration coming to an end. I will vote for neither Obama or McCain, even though I think both of them are fine people and would do a decent job in office. My issue is that I will never, for as long as I live, vote for either of these parties. Everyone can say that third parties are a waste of a vote, but the people who say this obviously hate America and especially hate Democracy. The funniest shit I've seen on the Democratic side, though, is that people are STILL saying that Nader might cost them the election. Excuse me, if anyone's gonna ruin their shit, it's The Notorious B.I.T.C.H. Hillary Clinton. Her supporters are the retards who plan on giving McCain the White House and loudly proclaim how much they hate Obama and that Hillary should have won. The Democrats are an embarrassment. And they deserve my vote? Shiiiiit.

Apparently Joseph Lieberman is going to speak at the GOP convention. This is interesting since this was the man who was running with Jesus Christ, excuse me, Al Gore in 2000. Hmmm...and this was the ticket that deserved my vote, huh?

Democrats? Republicans? FUCK 'EM. Once again, I'm voting for the Arab.

Batman & Boner

2008-08-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

For those of you who just can't get enough Batman, here's a delightful fan-made Batman film. It's called Batman: Dead End, and it came out in 2003.

This is a surprisingly well-made short, and is definately a cut above your typical fanboy douchery. Best of all, it has two Z-Grade stars in it: one is fitness numbnuts Clark Bartram, author of "You Too Can Be a Fitness Model." If you watch Penn & Teller's Bullshit!, you'll recognize him from the episode on bodybuilding. The other is Andrew Koenig, best known to people who grew up in the 80s as "Boner" from TV's Growing Pains.

This short is only around 8 minutes long, and somehow crams Batman, the Joker, the Alien from the "Alien" franchise, and Predator all together. For comic book dorks, this is nirvana, and I highly recommend watching it. Bartram does a pretty good Batman, which isn't hard considering all you need to do when playing Batman is be buff and talk in a low, growly way. Boner's Joker was also pretty good, and now the debate begins: Who was the better Joker, Heath or Boner? You decide!

Let's Hear It For Bombast!

2008-08-16T10:30:00.001-07:00

Here are a couple of the greatest songs ever written...if you're into this sort of thing. Enjoy!

Women Who Don't Want Lloyd Dobler

2008-08-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Hoodrats

Middle Eastern Women

Hillbilly women

Older women

We Are Not Your Babysitters

2008-08-10T01:33:00.000-07:00

Attention parents: We at the library love your children, and we want them to come as often as possible. We offer storytime programs, activities, computer games, special craft days, and some branches even have toys available for kids to play with. We think that the younger your kids are when they start reading, the smarter they'll be when they grow up and enter the workforce, and we fully encourage their active participation in every kid-oriented program we have to offer. The more often you bring your kids, the better it is for all involved.

We are not, however, your babysitters, and you really do need to take care of your children. As safe as we would like the library to be, the simple fact of the matter is that undesirables do come into the library on a regular basis, and the way some of you neglect your children makes it easy pickings for any deranged pervert who decides to try their hand at child abduction. In fact, in the years I have worked at the library, I have seen the following:

A man who would expose himself to young girls in the juvenile section. He was a regular, and by every indication he seemed like a normal, fairly attractive man. None of us would have guessed how disgusting this man would be, and on that fateful day when he was caught exposing himself, he left the library handcuffed with his member hanging out.

A trashy person who used the camera on his laptop to film little kids while he sat at a short distance away, seeming to mind his own business.

Mentally challenged men following little girls around and striking up conversations with them, making inappropriate motions and touching them. The sad fact is that the caregivers for these people are usually no better than the parents of some of these neglected children, and when the two meet dangerous things might happen. We have had more than a few issues with the mentally challenged harassing and/or grabbing patrons.

Middle aged men insisting on using children’s or teen computers, and creating problems when asked to move to adult areas. If they aren’t with their own child, why else would they insist on using a computer while being surrounded by them?

The worst of the bunch was a man who would come into the library with a briefcase filled with coloring books. He would collect pictures of kids and keep them in his wallet, and was able to keep up a charade of being a "family friend" by somehow obtaining photos of young girls and showing them to the staff to prove that he knew the kids. The girls were usually scared and would go along with it, until finally the cops came and arrested this scumbag.

I bring all this up not to scare you away from the library, but as a warning. If you're a good parent, it might be hard to believe this, but a shocking number of parents will leave their children completely unattended in the kid's room and go off to use the internet elsewhere. Under these circumstances, it is very easy for some creep to just come up and kidnap a child without the parent even knowing about it until their computer session finally ends. There are at least two children that I see frequently, around four years old, who are regularly left completely alone while their parent is on the computer in a room that is as far from their child as the kitchen in a restaurant is to the bathroom. They aren’t even left with an older sibling who is watching after them. The parent just assumes that, since the librarian is nearby, nothing will happen to their child. This is idiotic, and not good parenting. I'm sick of seeing these neglected kids, and I wish that someone at some point in these people‘s lives would have sat them down and taught them the basics of parenting.

An old boss of mine referred to the library as "pedophile paradise," and they weren't far from the truth. People just leave their kids in the library and assume that, among our other duties, library workers will look after their children and make sure that nothing happens to them. We are not paid to be babysitters, and we don't just sit at a desk all day with nothing else to do but watch someone's child. This is a dangerous way to think, and parents need to be a little less neglectful of their children in the library.

So please, if you bring your kids to the library, make sure they're with you at all times. Don't just keep it on good faith that they'll stay put and not walk away with a stranger. The library is a safe place, but there are creeps everywhere, and you're not helping matters by basically giving one of these scumbags a golden opportunity to walk off with your child.

The Scale Of Stupidity

2008-08-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

The word "stupid" gets thrown around easily, but "stupid" is a bit broad, and throughout the ages there have been some choice words to peg degrees of stupidity. The best words come from the field of science concerning severe mental retardation and even group think. Yes, I know that everyone already knows the following words, but they were, at one point, scientific, and my goal is to bring those meanings back.

Idiot

IQ: 0-25

A GREAT word which has lost practically all of its punch due to over-use. This scientific word was used to refer to someone with the mental age of two years or less, and who needed pretty much round-the-clock care. The replacement word is "profound mental retardation," which admittedly has an impressive ring to it.

Best if saved for: People who do things that are so incredibly stupid that no person over two would do them, such as sticking paper clips in electrical sockets or eating at Carl's Jr.

Imbecile

IQ: 26-50

Less stupid than an idiot, but not quite as bright as a moron, an imbecile is the more mediocre breed of dumb-ass. Yes, an imbecile is still quite stupid, but there is some sign of potential that may make life more bearable for those who take care of him. Some have achieved a degree of success, and famous examples include Paris Hilton, David Arquette, and Jim Breuer.

Best if saved for: Drunks, mid-drifts, mooks, and those who philosophize about smoking pot.

Moron

IQ: 51-70

The smartest dumb people you can meet. The word comes from the Greek "moros," or "dull." The mental age for these loveable chaps is between 8 and 12, and they are much easier to deal with than those less fortunate. In the UK they were legally known as "feeble-minded," an expression which still has some bite if you choose to use it. These people are now considered mildly retarded, and spotting them is a bit trickier than you'd expect. The revelation usually occurs after a couple minutes of conversation, and getting away from these folks may be a wee bit more difficult than expected.

Best if saved for: Political friends.

Cretin

The oldest term for a person with "developmental disabilities" is cretin. The best part about this word? It comes from an old French word meaning "Christian." According to Wikipedia, "The implication was that people with significant intellectual or developmental disabilities were 'still human' (or 'still Christian') and deserved to be treated with basic human dignity." The word was later expanded into "Cretinism," which was the term used for congenital hypothyroidism. I would post an image so you'd get an idea of what I'm talking about, but that's pretty fucked up, even for me.

Best if saved for: Lumpy people with open mouths and lost expressions.

Mongoloid

A deliciously racist expression, this one came from John Langdon Down's classic book Observations on the Ethnic Classification of Idiots (1866). We know now that idiots come in all colors, but back in the day Down suspected that those who had a certain form of retardation looked suspiciously like our friends to the east. Those who had what became known as Down syndrome sometimes had epicanthic (Asian) eye folds, which led Down to the conclusion that these poor folks were an evolutionary degeneration from the Caucasoid ideal. In retaliation for this screamingly offensive theory, the Asian community responded by banning Down from Benihana and P.F. Chang's.

Best if saved for: Any friend with an unusually large Sanrio collection or, if you're a real prick, someone with Down syndrome.

Your Lyrics Are Dumb Like The Linoleum Floor!

2008-07-31T18:35:00.000-07:00

When people listen to songs, the last thing they pay attention to is what's being said. A song can be complete goddamn gibberish, and no one will care as long as it's catchy and has a good beat. In fact, one of the catchiest songs I've ever heard is "Informer" by Snow, a song that no one fucking understands, aside from the "licky boom boom now" part. I know that pop music is supposed to have insipid lyrics and that's just the nature of the beast, but it is nice when there's something of note being said, especially by "important" musicians. So, here's a short series of lyrics which, for some reason or another, really bug the living shit out of me. I'll be making my typical asshole comments for each.

"Get nasty, get naughty and if you want to crack a forty
But don't drink it if you're drivin', word 'em up y'all, I ain't jivin'"
2 In A Room, "Wiggle It"

"Wiggle It" was one of those dance songs from the early 90s which sound very, very gay to modern ears, much like anything else that might find it's way onto a "Jock Jams" album. I have no problem with most of the lyrical content of this song, since it belongs to the good old days of "ain't nuthin' but a party, y'all!" rap songs. Why I question this particular lyric is because it is so fucking out of place. I mean, there was no need for a public service announcement in the middle of a party song. Besides, if people are out there wiggling it and dancing their asses off, the last thing they need is some prick telling them not to drink and drive, thus ruining the party.

"Suck, baby suck
To a CD of Chuck, Berry Chuck....woo hoo!"
Serge Gainsbourg, "Suck Baby Suck"

I'm going to state right here that Serge Gainsbourg is one of my favorite musicians, and that the vast majority of his lyrics are fantastic. This little song comes from his last album, and lacks any form of subtlety whatsoever. Most of his songs have clever wordplay, and things, even in English, mean something other than what it appears to be on the surface. Not so with this song. This song is about getting a blow job, and suggestions on what to listen to or watch while getting it. It's probably the most lyrically empty song in his entire catalog, next to his reggae song with nothing but fart sounds as the "lyrics." That said, this is also one of my favorite songs of his, because the joke has still never gotten old, and I always laugh when I hear his heavy French accent slurring out "suck babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, suck."

"Now you see this one-eyed midget
Shouting the word 'NOW'
And you say, 'For what reason?'
And he says, 'How?'
And you say, 'What does this mean?'
And he screams back, 'You're a cow
Give me some milk
Or else go home'"
Bob Dylan, "Ballad Of A Thin Man"

Ugh.
I love Bob Dylan, I really do. And I wish this came from one of his later shitty albums. But no, this is from a classic Dylan song on my favorite album of his, "Highway 61 Revisited." Dylan fans are probably the most obnoxious, arrogant assholes out there, and I still don't know who's worse...them or Beatles fans. So, if you're a Dylan fan and you see this, PLEASE don't waste my time by trying to explain how this lyric is "brilliant," or how I'm not "getting it." It's a stupid fucking lyric, and it's pretty damn clear that Dylan was running out of shit to say in this song and was basically just trying to come up with words that ended in an "ow" sound.

"There you go
Wielding a bicycle chain
Oh, why won't you change ?
Change and be nicer ?"
Morrissey, "Such A Little Thing Makes Such A Big Difference"

There are many, MANY songs by Morrissey or The Smiths that I could have put here. This one has a special spot in my heart because of the strong reaction I had when I first heard it. No matter how good his other lyrics are, they are matched by a seemingly endless abyss of whining bullshit. This is probably the first time a song lyric ever made me stop what I was doing and loudly exclaim, "you gotta be fucking kidding me." My last comment on Morrissey and The Smiths is the following: I find it highly disturbing for anyone older than 21 to just start listening to this music and be touched by it. This stuff only works for teens or very immature adults. Someone who got into Morrissey as a teen has every right to still buy his albums at 40, but someone who's 40 and all of a sudden becomes a huge fan should really seek some help.

"Blame it on Ice Cube; because he said it gets
funky when you got a subject and a predicate"
N.W.A., "Express Yourself"

And here comes the rap. This one's actually pretty clever, but I have to bring it up just because how fucking lame it is to bust out grammar vocabulary in a gangsta rap song.

"If it aint another ho that I gots ta fuck with
Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dicks gots to fit
With my nuts on ya tonsils"
Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, "Fuck With Dre Day"

OK, so how big does someone's cock have to be to fit in-between the gap in someone's teeth? Bonus points for the surreal "nuts on ya tonsils" line.

"Around the drive in
If you say you watch the movie you're a couple o' liars
And 'Remember only you can prevent forest fires'"
The Beach Boys, "Drive-In"

Why???? And yes folks, Mike Love, the asshole member of The Beach Boys, actually sued to get his name included as a lyric writer for songs such as this one. I hope you're proud of your opus there, Mike. Since taken out of context this doesn't make sense, let me explain how it's sung. When the "forest fires" line rolls along, the singer drops into a retarded Smokey The Bear voice, mimicking a public service announcement which is presumably playing while the teens are fucking at the Drive-In. The problem is, even when you hear the song, THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE. It's just randomly thrown out there. I know, I know, it was a throwaway filler track. But still, it's notable because someone sued for the writing credit on this song.

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand"
The Beatles, "I Want To Hold Your Hand"

I had to take a shot at The Beatles, simply because of the god-like status of these limey twats. Even when they got "serious," their lyrics were still just OK. It was a tough choice between this one and "Love Me Do," but this one wins out just because I've heard this one played at clubs more.

"Your lyrics are dumb like the linoleum floor"
Le Tigre, "Deceptacon"

I could have posted the entire song here. The song is insidiously catchy, but when you listen to the words, you become instantly embarrassed and stop dancing. This is the ultimate shitty song lyric, since it's criticizing someone else's shitty song lyrics. I like this band and used to dance to their songs a lot, but fuck is this horrible. My girlfriend respects bands that write their own songs, but maybe some of them really need to give that job to someone outside the band and concentrate on the ass-shaking music instead.

Return of the Pee-Pee Boy

2008-07-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

The night started out just like any other.

I had just finished working at the adult information desk for an hour and moved over to the much louder children's section, and was talking to my supervisor. While discussing an allegedly fun-filled work extravaganza that I was supposed to be attending in a few weeks these two little brats hauled-ass through the library. This is nothing new, as there are always kids running back and forth, almost bumping into people and annoying anyone who doesn't own them. "WALK!" my supervisor shouted. They of course ignored her.

I was talking to my supervisor again. Out of the corner of my eye I see the two little kids running across the opposite end of the children's section, and into the bathroom. Now, nobody at any age EVER runs that fast and that loudly to the bathroom, laughing and shouting, and if they do they're put in a "special" home. I stood up and stormed over to the restroom, ready to lay down the law. I yanked the door open and saw one kid facing me and his friend facing the wall. "He peeing on the wall!" the kid said, and the kid facing the wall turned towards me with his shirt scrunched up oddly above his pants, and a big wet blotch where the shirt would hang over the front. I looked at the wall, and sure enough there was a puddle of piss where his feet were, and a splatter on the wall. I asked Pee-Pee Boy, "Where are your parents?" "I didn't pee!!!" he said in that desperate kid-whine. "Where are your parents?" I repeated. "It was him, not me!" he said while pointing to his friend who ratted him out. After a surprisingly short time of getting him to stop shifting the blame, he finally took me to him mom, and I told her what happened. Her face switched into that expression which only a mother can give to her child, an expression which I'm glad I'll never see again. Looking at her face, you just knew the kid was going to get it, and bad. I took her to the restroom and showed her the puddle of piss. She assured me that she was going to discipline him. As I walked away I could have sworn I heard her say "get down there." My heart dropped. As absolutely bratty as these kids were, I remembered when I was younger and tried to flush a dodge ball down a toilet and flooded the bathroom. I wasn't actually trying to flush it down, I was just having fun being bad and showing off to my friends. You don't give a shit about libraries or anything else when you're a child, you just make noise and do stupid things and don't truly know the concept of regret. I looked at the Pee-Pee Boy, and I saw myself. Maybe one day he'll grow up to be a linguist or a DJ. Now, though, he's gonna get his ass whipped.

I told my coworkers about Pee-Pee Boy, and the general consensus was that his pissing on the wall was disgusting. As I walked to the back I saw that Pee-Pee Boy and his mom were leaving. She turned to me and asked if I were sure that it was him. I described exactly what I saw when I opened the door. She looked at him and asked him, "did you pee on the wall?" He looked down and shook his head "yes." I turned around and felt very relieved that I didn't accidentally get the wrong kid in trouble. But then again, he DID have that piss stain on his shirt. They left, and I went to the bathroom, pissing into the toilet the way you're supposed to in a civilized society. One day, though, there might not be any more toilets, and we'll all be Pee-Pee Boys. Today is not that day.

The Lowest Form of Humor

2008-07-24T12:54:00.001-07:00

I once worked with a tiny girl who was a ray of sunshine and one of the sweetest people I ever dealt with. We were both pages at my old library, and we both hated having to shelve books in the foreign section. Our library served a large Chinese population, and the only books we had for them were all gathered in a small aisle, which was larger than the new books section but not by much. Because the aisle was so small, it got disgustingly crowded and stuffy. The only thing I can compare it to is riding a bus in India. It was a nightmare trying to shelve books there, because not only would you have to squeeze your way through and try to reach your arm around people just to shelve a book, but anytime you left a cart near the aisle there'd be five hands digging through it, destroying whatever order you had the books in. My coworker hated working in this section, but she had a strategy for clearing it out to get her work done. It wasn't a complicated trick, but damn was it effective. Basically, when she pushed her book cart to the foreign section, she would make her way inside and pass some rancid, stinking gas. Fortunately I was never there to see it happen, but apparently it did the trick, and the aisle cleared out considerably, save a couple stragglers with a strong love of books and an even stronger stomach.

I once knew someone who'd always been "gas shy," but did use their anal vapor as a weapon one time. He was shelving books in the regular fiction area, which is next to the foreign aisle (I would like to make something perfectly clear right now: I have NOTHING against patrons who read books in other languages. I'm a linguistics major, for Christ's sake.), when he heard a noisy, bratty little kid running around and yelling in Spanish. He walked over and "shushed" him, but the mother did nothing to shut the kid up, and he continued to scream. Luckily, this page had a couple Spanish magazines with him, so he walked over to the foreign section again. He bent over to shelve these on the lower racks, and with his ass pointed in the kids direction, let out something that just felt like it was going to stink. It was silent and warm; the worst ones always are. This person later told me that they heard the kid yell stuff in Spanish as the page walked away, two of the words being "fuchi" and "aqui." He thinks that the boy was blaming his sister, who he was pestering the entire time before the gas attack.

I would like to conclude by saying that this is the lowest form of humor, and I think that these actions were wrong. I merely pass them on as examples of what NOT to do when dealing with the public.

Roland's Abridgment of Plato's "Apology."

2008-07-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

Introduction

In the world of Philosophy, few figures are more prominent than Plato. His body of work, the most important of which is obviously "The Republic of Plato," has set the course of philosophical thinking from the moment they were committed to paper. It has been said, in fact, that all philosophical thinking since has been merely answering Plato, either in the affirmative or negative. "Apology" is one of his shorter works, and is easily accessible to those who wish to begin studying the thoughts of this incredible thinker. However, in this time of intellectual poverty, even the shortest of the classics demand abridgment for American audiences. I am nothing more than a student, merely twenty-eight years in age, and it takes a great deal of arrogance on my part to suggest that I can condense the mastery of Plato's words into something that can be digested by modern audiences. However, it needs to be done, and no one else is doing it. Therefore, it is with excitement that I present to you, the modern reader, my abridgment of Plato's "Apology."

A Note on the Translation

I have spent countless hours pouring over this work in the original, and trying to transfer the basic components into our language. The point of any translation is to transmit, with as little deviation as possible, the author's intent. Certain sacrifices must be made in an abridgment, however, and with a heavy heart there are beautiful ideas such as I have rarely, if ever, seen in modern works, that had to be left out of this edition. They are there, available for those who wish to pursue the work further, as I would like any readers of this text to do, in any decent library and bookstore. What I have done is attempt to use the simplest language possible to convey the meaning of this text, so that any poetry that I have been tempted to include has been taken out. The language, clear, precise, without adornments, is the ultimate endpoint of art, and I do believe that this translation and abridgment would find favor with the poet William Carlos Williams, who's work is equal to this abridgment, if not, as I sincerely believe, even surpassed by it. I hope that the clarity of the language used leaves no misinterpretation possible, and that, upon further readings, the brilliance of this work will pierce into your hearts, as a heavy deluge of small droplets of water will pierce even the toughest edifices.

Roland's Abridgment of Plato's "Apology."
Copyright 2008.

Apology

I'm sorry.

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank the Hacienda/La Puente Unified School District for their fantastic job in educating me, making sure that I had all the leisure in the world to pursue my intellectual endeavors, never once stifling my thirst for knowledge by handing out needless assignments, or homework that was too difficult, or required any length of time to complete. Also, I would like to thank the culture in which I was raised, which constantly questions any kind of intellectual thinking, making it necessary to defend yourself and explain why you bother to read books written by dead white males or anyone else for that matter. I do not think it is for any other reason than that the average person is testing intellectual vigor, and that the majority of my fellow Americans are brilliant beyond words, and that this is a continuous test of durability. In my heart of hearts, I believe that all Americans, from the states lining the oceans to the dry dusty spaces in-between, have snugly next to their Bibles editions of Shakespeare and the works of Plato, much like they did in revolutionary times. We are a culture of secret readers and hidden intellectual ability, and that rugged individualism is what makes this country great. Also, I have mentioned him earlier, but I would like to thank William Carlos Williams, who proves that poetry doesn't need fancy language, a good sense of rhythm, any kind of reference, or any kind of meaning, to be good. His work stands, much like the playful colorings of a toddler, the hypnotic mosaic of bird-droppings underneath lampposts, or the simple scrawls of graffiti which beautifully adorn stop signs and private property, as a testament that art does not have to mean anything at all for people to enjoy it. I applaud his works, and may his message of simplicity echo forever in our art!

About the Author

Roland lives in Hickory Heights, California. He has previously been published in The Ocelot (the school newspaper for Orange Grove Jr. High) and Dork Magazine, received an AA Degree from Mt. San Antonio College in Walnut, and a BA in Linguistics at California State University, Fullerton. He is currently famous for appearing in Scott Douglas' best-selling library memoir "Quiet Please" (De Capo Press). His work has been praised by his Creative Writing professors and by his peers, which include musician Chonk, master of collage Sofia Zonk, and the historian Nelissa Fitzgerald. He works as a Library Technician, and is currently working on a modernization of "The Canterbury Tales." Roland's translation and abridgment of Plato's "Apology" is the beginning of a project to bring the Classics of literature to modern readers. His next project in this vein is to translate James Joyce's novel "Finnegans Wake" into English.

The Library Nemesis

2008-07-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

Superman has Lex Luthor. Spider-Man has Doc Ock. The X-Men have Magneto. Batman has the Joker. And I had Dick O'Shea.

Well, Dick O'Shea isn't his real name, but I'm not dumb enough to give the man publicity here. The point is, everyone who works at a library has, at some point, a certain patron or staff member who's only raison d'être is to cause them misery and blacken the remainder of their day. It can be anyone, ranging from a bitter patron with a permanent chip on their shoulder, an angry elderly person expressing the same exact complaints to you every time you see them, or a bratty child who no one seems to know how to take care of. You try to sit there and rationalize things. You try to take on their point of view. No matter what techniques you apply to make the situation less irksome, it never works. They still have the social effect of someone pissing in your Cheerios.

When I first encountered Dick O'Shea, I was struck by his angry, scowling face. You knew immediately that no matter how well you helped this person, they would still leave the library with that same expression, and would not even grant you the customary "thank you" for your services. He never checked out anything from our library's collection: it was all Inter-Library loans, which are books that are special ordered from other libraries not in the same system. He would spend half an hour at the information desk, talking to whichever poor soul was working the desk and no doubt making their job a living hell. Afterward he would walk up to the circulation desk and proceed to talk down to the circ staff, which is where I come in.

This idiot had the annoying habit of bringing in his own little sheets of paper and having whoever was on desk sign it when he returned his book, as a kind of guarantee that his books got returned. He would not infrequently grab a staff member's ID badge and pull it toward him, so he got a good look at their name. I'm sure people told him to not do this, but I seriously doubt that it mattered. When he would return a book, he would walk up to the desk, and throw it at us, without saying a word. When asked "are you returning this or do you want to check it out?" his snotty response would be "what do you think?" I think it's pretty damn interesting that one obnoxious prick could intimidate practically the entire staff of the library. My response to this jerk off was scowling and not infrequently walking as soon as he came to stand in line.

My own form of petty revenge has to do with his book. This man's around 70, and he self-published a book, and bullied his way into having it included in the library's collection. It has an Amazon sales rank of nothing. My own form of revenge is finding every website that lists this book and writing the most intensely negative reviews I can think of about it. Since I never got the chance to punch this son-of-a-bitch in the face, I'll do the next best thing by taking a shit on his life's work. God I hate this man.

Everyone else has their own enemy that they deal with far too often than they'd like. My coworker Scott (who's lovely book "The Library Tree" is available as a free download) has some Asian man who stares him down each time he comes in. Another coworker has a fat, hairy man who keeps hitting on her, sweat beading up on that thicket sticking out of his tank top. My best friend had this fat tub of shit with a coco puff on her cheek who got her fired. My other closest friend has a girl who gossips among the other staff members and who's face looks like shredded wheat. We all have someone who makes the job that much more annoying, that much more grating on us. Even after leaving my old branch and never having to see Dick O'Shea again, I now have to deal with an equally rude man with an obvious toupee. No matter what library I work at, there will always be someone there, waiting around the corner, with a frowny face to ruin my day.

But seeing the smile on those kid's faces when they get their Pooh Bear books makes it all worth it.

Ain't Nothin' Tender About It

2008-07-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

I went to San Francisco this weekend, and besides how pretty a lot of it seemed, I was shocked when I ended up driving through a couple of the ghetto areas. My girlfriend and I got lost trying to find a club on Fell Street, and we wound up in a scummy area, driving through what looked like dirty alleys. A man who looked to be borderline homeless was moving a nasty, stained-covered couch as our car came up. He stopped and gave me a look like he was going to run to the car and smash his fist through the window. Instead he angrily moved the couch back over so that we could pass. The following day we walked and drove through the Tenderloin, and I was so unnerved that I damn near shit in my pants. I have not seen such a high concentration of drugged-up and poverty stricken people in years. At least, not since driving through skid row in Los Angeles, and even there the people seemed more miserable than murderous.

This got me thinking about cities in general, and how all of them have ghettos. I know that it isn't just the cities that have ghettos, but I wanted to concentrate on them because they have all the glamour and are the most expensive places to live in. If you want a place in LA, it's going to cost you. New York and San Francisco will set you back even further. These fancy areas cost a shitload of money to live in, and they all have violent ghettos. I wanted to know why this was.

The best guess that I could come up with was that cities are places where a ton of labor is needed, and not all of it is done by the highly educated and well off. Someone needs to do the shit work, but these people cannot afford to commute back and forth. So they cluster around certain areas, and these communities grow with more of the same people. Because of the desperation of living in an expensive city and getting paid next to nothing, some of these people turn to crime. After a generation or two grows up with this kind of desperation as a fact of life, they just take it as a given that certain kinds of crime are unavoidable, and that burglary, assault, drug dealing, even murder are to be expected just to get by. Meanwhile, because everyone else who lives in the city is making vastly more money, they avoid these spots and think only that "something needs to be done," without wanting to really do anything about them. So a reputation grows that these are "badass" areas, and the youth who grow up there take a degree of pride in being raised in these spots, since the very fact of their survival proves that they are tough. Those in neighboring areas also grow up under similar circumstances, and think that they are even tougher. So the youths gather in packs to beat the living shit or murder each other, as further proof of their toughness. These groups, in addition to protection, take part in other shady activities, such as drug dealing and theft, as ways to get the income they need to survive.

At least, that's what I think might be it. Isn't it strange that every major city has a ghetto? You would think that the employers would try to give decent wages, and that the city would try to take care of it's lower-class population, since without someone to do the shit work the entire structure would crumble to the ground. Yet if living in the city were affordable, more middle-class and lower-middle class people would filter in, and still shut out those who work at low-income jobs. Of course, everything I said could just be a bunch of crap, but I'm neither a politician nor a social scientist. I'm just some guy who finds these questions interesting. As always, relevant book and magazine recommendations are always welcome.

Happy Bastille Day!

2008-07-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ever since reading Simon Schama's delightful book "Citizens," I've been feeling some cognitive dissonance with this holiday. On one hand, it's the biggest French holiday there is, but on the other, it celebrates one of the most brutal fucking events in history. Anyone who thinks that the French are pussies really needs to pick this book up, since the kind of murdering that went on among the French was shocking, from carving body parts off screaming officers with dull knives to tearing off genitals and stuffing it down the victim's mouths. Anyhow, I will do my duty as a Francophile to wish everyone a Happy Bastille Day, and present you with some charming Youtube clips of the French in Action.

Favorite Movie Moments!

2008-07-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves lists, so here's my list of favorite movie moments. Some there will be near universal agreement on, while others will leave folks asking what the hell my problem is. Either way, the vast majority of these won't be on an AFI list:

Rebecca De Mornay telling Ernie Hudson "Don't fuck with me, retard." after the "mentally challenged" neighborhood friend spots her breastfeeding the family's baby in "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle."

Jeanne Moreau singing "Le Tourbillon" in "Jules et Jim."

Marlon Brando comforting Kim Hunter after a fight in "A Streetcar Named Desire."

The "let's feed grandpa" scene in the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Phoebe Cates trying to serve all the different Gremlins, then getting flashed by one, in "Gremlins."

Ritchie's brother telling him, "You've grown, cabron!" in "La Bamba."

The bedroom seduction between Lea Thompson and Howard in "Howard The Duck."

The "lobster rape" scene in "Multiple Maniacs."

"GET HER!!!!!" in "Ghostbusters.

Raymond Dufayel scolding Lucien on his obsession with Lady Di in "Amelie."

Brandon telling Dawn, "Yo Weiner, you better get ready, 'cause at three o' clock today, I'm gonna rape you!" in "Welcome to the Dollhouse."

Crispin Glover as The Thin Man fighting all three of the angels while "Smack My Bitch Up" blares loudly as the soundtrack in "Charlie's Angels."

Jack Nicholson defending his less-than-intelligent girlfriend Karen Black after high-class snobs at a cocktail party insult her in "Five Easy Pieces."

When Harold feels up the suggestive statue at Maude's place in "Harold and Maude."

The last scene in "The Last American Virgin."

Jason attacking the two virtual reality girls in their sleeping bags in "Jason X."

Anytime Frodo would look deeply into Sam's eyes and say "Oh Sam" in any of the Lord Of The Rings films.

Two scenes from "Great Balls of Fire;" when Jerry Lee Lewis and Myra are on their honeymoon ("You're all woman to Jerry Lee!"), and when leaving England after a disasterous tour, a reporter asks if he has any final words for England, and Jerry says "England can kiss my ass!"

In "Me, Myself, and Irene," when one of Jim Carey's cop friends suggests that maybe his wife had an affair, because their kids have a "year-round tan."

The Barbie museum in "Rat Race."

When Sonny Bono tries to seduce some dimwit in his apartment in "Troll."

The exploding head scenes in both "Scanners" and "Maniac."

The dumb "we just needed to pick up the kids!" joke at the end of the "Man Who Knew Too Much" remake.

Beetlejuice's first TV ad, where he's dressed up as a cowboy, in "Beetlejuice."

Bill Murray saying "Mexico...was a disaster" in "Ed Wood."

The exchange between Audrey and Cousin Vicki on the teeter-totter in "National Lampoon's Vacation."

The arm-wrestling scene in "The Fly" remake.

The Tramp's face at the end of "City Lights."

Carrie and that curly-haired jock dancing at the prom while the camera spins around them, going faster and faster in "Carrie."

Brando running around with the orange peel in his mouth in "The Godfather."

Pagoda yelling "you son of a bitch!" and stabbing Gene Hackman in "The Royal Tenenbaums."

Divine prancing through the park with her new boyfriend in slow motion, while Bill Murry sings that "one boy...one girl" song on the soundtrack in "Polyester."

Johnny Knoxville (I think) as an old man getting kicked out of a store for trying to shoplift, then mumbling "I was Lon Chaney's lover!" in "Jackass, The Movie."

Burt Reynolds punching out Dom Delouise in "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."

The weighlifting girl somehow falling alseep while lifting weights, then being turned into a cockroach by Freddy, in "A Nightmare on Elm Street part 4, The Dream Master."

Barbara's brother taunting her in the graveyard at the beginning of "Night of the Living Dead."

Jeffrey giving a hotel room full of hookers his "super crack," causing all of them to explode in "Frankenhooker." Also, later on, when Frankenhooker screws a John until he blows up.

The last skit in "History of the World, Part 1," where Gregory Hines is walking down the street and a blind man is begging for money. The man somehow sees Hines and they greet each other in delicious ghetto fashion. Also, the scene with Moses is probably one of the best religious jokes I've ever seen, second only to:

Brian addressing the crowd outside of his house in "Life of Brian."

Gizmo's xerox machine torture in "Gremlins 2, The New Batch."

The bums at the drive-in, sitting on crates, telling Pee Wee, "Look Pee Wee....BOX SEATS!" in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."

Ass-kissing dean Larry Miller greeting an old couple at a fundraiser, telling the man, "And when did you marry Sharon Stone?" and then telling the old lady "keep those legs crossed!" in "The Nutty Professor."

The first 40 minutes of "Full Metal Jacket."

The old Jewish man telling a joke during the credits in "Coming To America."

The "I saw a window open, so I said 'fuck it!'" scene in "Friday."

Anytime the butler would walk in "The Corpse Bride."

Judas being tormented by evil children in "The Passion of The Christ."

Wormtail dumping the tiny, chihuahua-esque Voldemort into a cauldron before the final battle in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire."

The herd of burning cows at the beginning of "Mars Attacks!"

Satan singing "Up There" in "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut."

Lucy Harker walking through a decaying town overrun with rats in "Nosferatu." (1979)

Tiny Tim talking to a half-naked woman on his hotel bed in "Street of Dreams."

The Butler's psychedelic song and dance sequence in "Gumnaam."

Kong peeling off the outer layer of Fay Wray's clothes in "King Kong."

William Holden and Gloria Swanson dancing the tango in "Sunset Blvd," mainly because of the look on Erich von Stroheim's face when he picks up her discarded tiara.

Any scene with Stromboli in Disney's "Pinocchio."

Abe Vigoda yelling "The bastards stole my candy!" in "Look Who's Talking." Also, Kirstie Alley imagining her future with John Travolta; "Just because it's free don't mean it ain't good."

"Mind if I smoke...while you eat?" in "Deep Throat."

Morris Day asking Prince, "How's the family?" in "Purple Rain."

The floating raft being invaded by monkeys, one of which Klaus Kinski picks up, stares at, then throws to the side, in "Aguirre, The Wrath of God."

And finally, the big gross out vomit and snot fest at the fashion show in "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." I also like the way the kids seemed to not care that all of their friends were murdered Auschwitz-style at the State Home For The Ugly. Very shocking for a children's film.

That's all I've got for now, but this list will obviously be updated as I see more films. Feel free to add your own, or better yet, make your own list.

Got 10,000 Hours to Spare?

2008-07-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

This morning I spent a couple of hours at the bookstore with my girlfriend and was flipping my way through several books. One of them was a book that I started reading a couple of years back and never finished: "This Is Your Brain On Music." When I read the back of the book, I saw something that grabbed my eye. There was a claim that to become a virtuoso, you need to practice for 10,000 hours, rather than be born with some innate "gift." I read that section of the book and was pleasantly surprised, because this applies to everything, from tap dancing to playing the piano.

The way it breaks down is to practice three hours a day, every day, for ten years. This level of dedication is far beyond that of most people, but is actually is doable. When we got back home I went online and started going to different websites, just to see what the opinion was of this. There were a lot of different takes on it, and some guy broke it down into how good you would be at something after an hour, ten hours, a hundred hours, etc. It seems as though some people need to have clearly defined milestones, just so they can slap a label on their progress and thus can say "I have arrived" when they reach a certain point. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out at what point I can say "I am a linguist" and not "I am a student of linguistics."

So why even bring this up? First of all, I just find shit like this interesting. It's a nice number to throw at people when you feel like showing off ("Hey guys, wanna know how long it takes to be an expert at something? Do ya?"). Second, it's another attack against the idea of innate abilities. I'm not going to knock our natural tendencies, or continue the lie that there are no real differences between men an women. I just like the idea that in order to be good at something, you actually need to get off your ass and do the work for it, rather than piss and moan that you weren't born with the genius of a Mozart or the ball-handling skills of a Michael Jordan. For a lot of people, it's easier to just throw the idea of innate ability around, rather than face the fact that they just aren't that good at something because they don't practice. Lock yourself in your room for three hours a day, every single goddamn day, and practice, and in ten years you'll be an expert at something.

And if you're not, send me a message and I'll apologize for lying to you.

The Enthusiastic Amateur

2008-06-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

There's a book out called "The Cult of the Amateur" by Andrew Keen. I found out about it when I was looking up that book "Wikinomics." Basically, Keen's book is about how shitty the internet is, and how things like YouTube, Myspace, and what I'm doing right now (blogs) are killing our culture. I haven't read the book yet, but it smells suspiciously like "The Closing Of The American Mind," that great 80's book about how our culture is dying because of people no longer reading the classics, among other reasons. It gets very tiresome seeing old pundits who can't get with it bitching about how things are changing. I honestly feel that the internet is probably one of the greatest things we have going now, since everyone all around the world is more connected now than they've ever been at any other point in time, and the media monopoly that we've had to deal with for most of our lives is finally starting to crumble away.

I can't even begin to count how many things I've discovered online. Maybe because I've used the internet for so damn long, I have a hard time seeing how it's destroying anything. The one thing I wanted to address, though, is the idea that culture in and of itself is falling apart, and that talented people will no longer find an audience because of being drowned about by folks on the internet.

First of all, just because something is published does not mean that it's good. There always has been and always will be people with no talent who somehow get book/music/film deals. That's just the way things are, and blogs, iTunes, and YouTube aren't going to change that. Second, the problem for the author, it seems, is that too many hands are getting into the pot, and entertainment is now, possibly for the first time, entirely democratic. He bemoans the "wisdom of the crowd," and while I do the same from time to time, I think that the sheer amount of choice we have makes up for the extra amount of sifting we have to do to find something of value. The DIY of the punk scene has finally made it into a medium that will embrace it and give the artist the kind of audience they may never have had. A friend of mine who's in a band told me that his band got booked for a few shows due solely to a couple of demos that they have posted on their Myspace page. Let's see...talented people getting the word out about their work to a large number of people that they might never have gotten to otherwise...how is this a bad thing, again?

Also worth noting is that people no longer have to depend on the media giants for their entertainment. This is the best thing of all about the internet. One thing I hated about the radio while growing up is that I always had to sit through a bunch of god-awful bullshit before I heard a song that I liked. Now I can browse the internet and discover new music through MP3 blogs, and get recommendations from people who have the same taste in music that I do. Hell, I only heard about bands such as Franz Ferdinand (a demo recording, no less) and The Gossip through free MP3's that the bands posted on websites, and this was before these bands attained their popularity.

If something is good, people will find out about it. There will always be "quality," and it will find an audience. Yes, a lot of what's online is crap, but there is a lot more that's worth checking out. I plan on reading Keen's book, but I doubt very much that I'll agree with any of it. An interesting take on this book is at the following website:

http://www.lessig.org/blog/2007/05/keens_the_cult_of_the_amateur.html

Read it, come to your own conclusions, and then post your opinions. And if you agree completely with the book, then DON’T post your opinions, since, you know, you’ll be contributing to the problem.

I Haven't Been This Sad Since Pantera Broke Up

2008-06-23T16:39:00.001-07:00

I grew up listening to George Carlin tapes and watching his HBO specials, so I'm pretty sad to hear that he's dead. His bits on euphemisms, religion, and damn near everything else made me laugh harder than what I've heard from most other comedians. I always looked forward to his specials coming out, and they never disappointed.

To mourn his death, I plan on listening to his albums and laughing my ass off, and I suggest you do the same.

How To Annoy Your Friendly Public Librarian

2008-06-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

1) If the computer you're working at has icons, delete them all as soon as you finish your session.

I don't know why patrons do this, but I will occasionally see a computer station with either one, a couple, or all of the icons missing. Since there are a ton of computers in the library, it's usually not a terrible inconvenience to the public, but it sure as hell pisses me off when I see it. The reason I get so mad about it is that when all the icons are missing, it's because someone did it specifically to be a dick.

2) Randomly shuffle books around in the non-fiction section.

As a page, the most infuriatingly annoying thing I dealt with was shelf-reading the foreign section. The books were always out of order, but in a very special way. The books would be just a few over to right, and everything following it would be following this disorder. The reason? Well, pages are almost the lowest rung on the library ladder (the lowest is the volunteer), and if you work for LA County where the pay is shit and they make it known how little they need you, you don't normally do your job very well. So you sometimes blank out and follow whatever pattern you see, even if it's completely wrong. If a book was in the wrong spot, the page would assume that it was in the RIGHT spot, and then put whatever books they were shelving right after it to follow it's order. Thus, when it came time to set everything in order, if I had to do it, I had to shift entire shelves around just to get everything back to normal. After an hour of working on one section, I would come back and see patrons mindlessly putting books back in random spots, or, my favorite, children shoving every book as far back as they can until they dump out and mingle with everything on the other side. And speaking of children...

3) Don't watch your children.

It is astonishing how little parenting is involved when parents decide to take their kids out to the library. I can sometimes hear screaming kids all the way from the other end of the library, and when I come over to see what's going on, I see children running around throwing shit at each other, and the parents just sitting there talking to each other, doing nothing.

4) Remind them that you pay their salary.

For some patrons, the simple fact that they pay taxes should allow them to keep out books for as long as they want and return them in whatever condition they want, get limitless free photocopies and internet printouts, get unlimited internet time, stay at the library for as long as they like even if the library is closed, talk as loud as they want while having places nice and quiet for them, use the phones for free for as long as they want, get free unlimited snacks, borrow (or even just receive) money, get medical advice, use the library as a place to sign people up for either a political group or religion, and even take their clothes off if they think the room is getting too stuffy for them.

5) Hide the newspaper.

If a newspaper is missing, I can promise you that an elderly man will raise hell over it. In fact, I have heard that there was almost a fist-fight at my library awhile back because one old man was hogging the paper and another man wanted to read it. I know that not getting to read the newspaper might be annoying, but come on. Is it really a reason to punch someone? Then again, people have been killed for less.

ChaCha, a Retraction

2008-06-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

I wrote a blog defending the text-answering service ChaCha awhile back, and I have to say that my ass has been handed to me...by ChaCha. I haven't used it as much as I did when I first found out about it, but the last few questions I have asked it have been answered with shit that was completely irrelevant or wrong. Even a question that my coworker Scott asked awhile back about a train rate in the 50s which no one was able to answer was easily answerable by a quick Google search that I did on a whim. The worst was what happened today. I was running some errands and decided to text ChaCha asking if the new Beck CD was out, because I heard a month ago that it was coming out in June and I wanted to buy it. The answer? "It came out last week." Well, I went to Best Buy, and they said that it doesn't come out until June 24. I come home and do a quick search on the internet, and find out that it doesn't come out until July 8th. So both ChaCha and Best Buy as "staffed" by incompetent jerk offs. Come on, you assholes. Get on the fucking ball! Most ChaCha twats answer questions by using the internet. Since I was able to get the answers to my own questions immediately by doing the barest of internet searches, I have to wonder what kind of retards are getting hired to work for this service. I know that it's a free service and that I should expect next to nothing, but not too long ago, they DID answer my questions correctly and accurately. They need a much better screening process than the one they have now.

The moral of the story? If you're in a bind and need a quick answer, by all means try ChaCha. Just be aware that now your questions will be answered by dumb asses who can't figure out the complexities of a Google search.

Puff Piece, or Things I Love

2008-06-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

(With apologies to John Waters)

Some people accuse me of bitching too much. So to the haters, fuck you. There's plenty of shit that I love, and if you'd pay attention to the love that pours out of my heart like pus down a homeless prostitute's perineum, you'd see that I smile more often then not, and get legitimately excited about lots of things. Here's a small sample of things that I LOVE.

A bright blue sky after a bout of rain, with everything slicked and looking new.
When I hear a terrible song, one that I've always hated, and for NO reason start loving it.
Flaming Hot Cheetos con Limon...especially when I scrape the layers of cheese/Limon powder off of my fingers with my teeth.
Getting packages in the mail.
Coming home from work and finding that someone's bought me food.
Waking up ass-early in the morning and not being tired.
The feeling of winding down after doing something that I've spent the past several days worrying about.
The world may disagree, but I LOVE the way I look in plain white shirts and wife-beaters.
When I rediscover a previous obsession, and all those long-gone feelings come flooding back all at once.
When a DJ actually plays something that I both love and never in my life expected to hear.
Reading about the Mormon faith and Mormon history.
Also, seeing non-insulting references to the LDS in popular culture.
When, during a casual conversation with someone I barely know, something I say reminds them of something that they adore, and you see their faces light up and they start talking faster and more enthusiastically than before.
Historical Linguistics.
Biological anthropology.
Finding dichotomy in everyday things.
Having certain beliefs that I've held for years shattered.
Talking to people and having them one-up me when it comes to saying something shocking or foul.
That fresh out-of-the-shower feeling.
Taking a nice long piss and having that weird feeling that you've earned it.
Women in sweaters.
Delicious twists on common expressions, such as when my professor was talking about intimacy and said, "love will NOT conquer all."
Any stupid joke that begins with "now that's what I call..."
When I'm having a conversation and there's rapid references to shit we're both familiar with, and we both get it.
Sassy black women.
Rose Maddox's singing voice.
Reading about the dark underbelly of the music/film business.
Those old-fashioned devil costumes with the floppy horns.
When people say "get it?" after telling a lame joke.
Stretching and hearing my bones crack.
The words "sleepy" and "scary."
Banjos.

I will add to this when I think of more things. For the moment, there you go. PROOF that I'm one happy-go-lucky fuck.

God Bless Tiny Tim

2008-06-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

I remember reading quite a bit about Tiny Tim, and for years the only song I'd ever heard of his was "Tiptoe Through the Tulips," his only hit song. It's usually thought of as a novelty tune, which I assume is because of his falsetto, the ukulele, and the tongue-popping solo in the middle of the song. I've always been a fan of novelty music, so of course I loved the song, but when I started reading more about him the "joke" aspect of it wore off, and I started hearing it as just a great song. Then, while doing research, I found out that his "Live at Royal Albert Hall" album was for sale, so I made one of my impulse buys and purchased it. When I finally got it in the mail and listened to it I liked every song on it, and I became a fan.

When people hear Tiny Tim they have to ask why anyone would seriously be a fan of his. First of all, I like his delivery on the songs he sings. He doesn't sing everything in a falsetto, and his style of singing is different from the way that everyone else sings. To me, that means a lot. Second, the songs he performs span all the decades of popular music, and he had no problem playing an obscure song from the 20's next to "Stairway to Heaven." And he wasn't ironic about it. He loved all these songs equally and played whatever he felt like, and unlike the Nirvana's and Radiohead's of the world, he would play his major hit anytime someone requested it, which goes into my third reason: he legitimately loved music and performing, and would bust out his ukulele and go to town at the drop of a hat. According to his official website "Tiny made hundreds or perhaps thousands of homemade recordings for people," all without asking for money. Performing meant so much to him that even after his career fizzled he joined a circus to perform, and eventually, as seen on an old Howard Stern New Year's Eve special...he could even be hired to play at birthday parties, wedding receptions, and bar mitzvahs.

One more thing about Tiny Tim...when you listen to his music, you KNOW that he loves what he's doing. You can hear it in him, that he's thrilled to actually be in a studio, doing something that he loves. I heard this kind of enthusiasm in early rock 'n' roll songs, I heard it in the Nuggets box set, and I hear it in Tiny Tim. Go ahead and call the comparison ridiculous. I stand by it. When I listen to his music I can't help but smile because he seems so goddamn happy to be performing for us. I can't say the same about much of my other music, no matter how good it is.

I hate going to concerts, but I'm sad that I never got the chance to see him sing. Beck's my favorite musician, but I have zero desire to ever speak to him. I don't know why, but the vast majority of musicians that I love I never want to meet in person. Tiny Tim is one of the few exceptions. I would have loved to have met him. I don't know what I would have said to him, but I think I would have wanted to just give him a hug and tell him "thanks." For some reason, he's probably the only musician who would welcome that.

God bless Tiny Tim.

Del Shannon: Godfather Of Goth

2008-06-04T06:38:00.000-07:00

That's right. It wasn't Moz. It wasn't The Cure. It wasn't Joy Division. The REAL godfather of Goth is Del Shannon. Yes, THAT Del Shannon. The man who blessed the world with the classic mood piece "Runaway," and who in 1990 shot himself due to a lifelong depression that was in no way helped by the Prozac he was taking. If you doubt me, and I KNOW you do, just listen to the aforementioned song, or "Keep Searchin'," or "Stranger In Town," or the classic "Sister Isabelle," where Del's bitch leaves him for Jesus and becomes a nun, and Del proceeds to scream at her, "Does He need you more than I do?" Strangely, Del has never gotten his due, and I aim to set the record straight once and for all.

"But...but...couldn't Goth easily trace itself back to country or the blues?" The answer to that is a resounding NO. Let's look at the evidence, shall we? Most Goth music is performed by pale, scrawny bitch men who would rather pop pills than down some hard liquor, and who focus more on THEIR pain then pain in general. Goth performers whine or moan rather than snarl or scream, and Del's career was littered with more whine than an Italian resteraunt. Also, Goth music shoots for atmosphere rather than force, and Del's music certainly had enough of that. "Runaway" is a song that still scares the shit out of me, and has by far the creepiest solo that I've ever heard in any pop song. That goddamn keyboard popped up in many of his other songs, including upbeat dance songs like "Handy Man," where it gives a regular happy song a disturbingly eerie feel. Then there's "Keep Searchin'," with a guitar that sounds a bit off, a shrill organ in the background, echoing hard stomps during the chorus, and Del's ambulance shrieks.

And what is one supposed to make of the song "Stranger In Town," which is by a longshot THE most paranoid song of the 60s? "Stranger in town...he's out to get me..." Del sings, followed by more echoed thumps and a tamborine, after which Del lowers his voice and sings in a hushed voice, then starts yelling "yeah, we'll run" over and over, resulting in a song that should send any self-respecting goth straight to the medicine cabinet. This creepiness is something that oozed itself into almost everything in Del's catalog, and by doing a little "searchin'," you'll find plenty more of these frowny delights in any of his CDs that you may or may not decide to pick up.

Aside from that, there is also another key ingredient to Del's foresight, and that's his bitchiness. "Hat's Off To Larry" is the ULTIMATE bitchfest, where Del taunts his ex-girlfriend by telling her how happy he is that the guy she left him for fucked her and left her, and then has the nerve to tell her that he wants her back! Or how about "So Long Baby," where Del tells his ex girlfriend to fuck off, because even though she cheated on him, he cheated on her too, and he wants her to stay "far, far, far, far, far from me, me, me, me, me"? Then there's "Little Town Flirt," about a slut who "plays around with every guy who walks by," but you'd have to be blind to not be able to figure out the real story. She dumped his ass for someone else, so it's up to Del to warn not only her new boyfriend, but every guy in town that she's a whore who'll toy with you until she gets what she wants. Now THAT'S bitchiness!

Of course, Del's career went down the toilet when everyone decided that they wanted to look and sound British, and it wasn't until the 80s that he managed to chart again with a cover of "Sea of Love." There was also the rumor that he would join the superstar shitfest the Traveling Wilburys, but that didn't happen, because he started taking Prozac and, as stated earlier, shot himself. Thus, the first Goth king made the ultimate Goth exit.

When Del dropped out of the top ten, it was up to Brian Wilson to teach the Beach Boys how to mope, and with the release of "In My Room," the Goth crown was stolen and placed on the new kings. While a case can be made for The Beach Boys keeping the Goth tradition alive, it was Del Shannon who was the pioneer, the originator, and the almighty God of it. After all, you wouldn't confuse Jesus with the Apostles, now would you?

He's so sweet!

2008-06-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

He stalks you down the street, doe-eyed, and sneaks up from behind, tapping your shoulder and asking a simple question. You answer because he seems harmless, and his intentions are obviously nothing more than wanting a small piece of information. Later you see him again, maybe in the mall or at a club. The two of you begin talking and he seems like a nice enough person; in fact you enjoy his sense of humor and wouldn't mind seeing him again under the right circumstances. He's different from the others, mainly because the way he talks to you, the way he acts around you, he obviously isn't hitting on you, and obviously values only your friendship, which you are more than willing to give.

You start seeing him regularly, and when you see him at a distance you holler out his name. His company makes things more interesting. His maladroit mannerisms are just the right peg to slide into your ever-expanding group of acquaintances. The two of you call each other, and not infrequently talk for over an hour on the phone. Finally, a decent fellow. A good person. A nice guy.

Slowly things start changing. He shakes more when you're around. He keeps his eyes on you for more than what is usually considered normal for friends. The tone of his voice softens, like a pile of dough. His smile is considerably warmer. When you show up, his back twists automatically to block away any other figure with a vagina, and he fixes his attention on you. Other women become shadows, and you're the only clear figure in the room. At the same time, he starts ignoring you more. He'll walk by, pretending to not see you, not out of malice, but because his fears are getting the best of him and he doesn't want to tell you the truth. The truth is, he has a long list of female "pals", and he no longer wants that. He wants something more. Something he hopes you can give him, something you couldn't possibly give him. While you're valuing his friendship, he slowly slides more and more stone under your feet, raising you higher and higher until you're teetering on this impossible pedestal.

By this time you're wondering why things are so different, as he still hasn't worked up the courage to tell you how he feels. He waits...getting sicker and sicker each time, building up a personal inventory of "moments" that he imagines he's having with you. You walk in the room, and he either pounds down a drink or bolts out to light his cigarette. All the while months pass by, and people who are more forward with their thoughts come to you and express an interest, and sometimes you feel a spark with someone. Finally, many months after the fact, he blurts it out, and you tell him that you're not really interested, because you see him more as a friend, and that while any girl would be lucky to have him, the two of you just couldn't work. Suddenly, you plummet down from being an angel to being a vicious, cold, no-good lousy cunt. He's still nice to you, but in private he curses you and wishes that every single relationship you have goes to hell. He savors nothing more than finding out that you fell for someone and that they fucked you over. You see, in his mind, no one could treat you the way he could. No one could love you as much as he could. You are obviously unlovable, so you really should be thankful that someone as wonderful as him was interested in you to begin with.

The nice guy is the worst kind of parasite imaginable. He earns your friendship only to suck on whatever you have to give him, emotionally or even physically (depending on the circumstances, an over-analyzed kiss may occur). He's never satisfied, never straightforward. If he could he'd shower you with gifts, subconsciously trying to buy your love. They chop off their own legs to crawl to you, sobbing and clawing at your heart. If you're fucked up in the head, that's even better. They'll be whatever they can for you; friend, father, therapist, conscience, anything except a real person. A vacuum cleaner hiding being a gallery of masks. An insecure, stuttering, bitter piece of shit. Worse of all, he'll openly admit this to you, thinking that honestly admitting that he's a fuck up will somehow endear him to you. He won't bother trying to defend himself, because deep down, he knows every criticism flung at him is true. You can't chop off his balls and hand them to him because he's holding the knife and already has a handful of questionable manhood.

You wanna know how to immediately spot a loser? This phrase; "Oh, do you know so-and-so? He's such a nice guy."

A Conundrum

2008-06-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend about an episode of Oprah, and the conversation brought up some interesting problems. I would like to state that I did not see this episode of Oprah, nor do I watch her show, so this entire conversation came about by way of a digression. Anyhow, she told me that the guests were these twins, both female, and one of them had a sex change to become a man. Apparently she had the body structure of a man and looked manly, and only her voice was feminine. Sex changes have been going on for years, and there was little that was unusual about that for me. The odd part came when the manly twin said that she still was attracted to men, so basically she turned herself from a straight woman into a gay man.

Well, this man-woman will ALWAYS be a woman in God's eyes, and also through sheer scientific reasoning. I mean, she will never be able to get someone pregnant, thus, she will never be a man. It's all just major plastic surgery, like that one scary bitch who's trying to make herself look like a cat. But that's not the point. The point is...she still loves the cock. This set my mind going in a million directions, and I had a few questions about this.

Since she's a woman with a penis, if a straight guy fucks her, or if she fucks a straight guy, does this make that straight guy gay? I mean, we're ALL curious at some point. Can a straight guy marry her and still be considered straight? She still is a woman, except she has a fake dick and balls, and I believe some extra hair. If they get married, is it legal? Gay marriage is still up in the air, but these stupid laws are dictated by religion, and I'm sure that the preachers would still consider the manly chick a woman. If she hooks up with a gay guy, does this make the gay guy straight, since he's having sex with a woman and loving it? Since she's a woman and ass-sex shouldn't provide any kind of pleasure for her, does she get all of her sexual enjoyment from sucking guys off? It's not like she has a prostate or anything. Finally, as a gay male, will she be able to give her sister better pointers on how to satisfy a man? I've never fucked a guy, but I've heard some interesting stories...

In discussing gay qualifiers with my friend, she told me that if you have gay tendencies, then you're gay. I then asked if someone was in a gray area because their girlfriend stuck things up their ass, but she assured me that since these things weren't attached to a man, they were in the clear. But what if they were attached to a fake man? I mean, I'm sure if a straight guy was sucking a woman's dick, he'd still be straight, right? Just because you're fucking a woman who had surgery to make herself look like a cat, it doesn't mean you dig bestiality, so I'm sure the same applies to this. I don't know. This is a question for the ages, which can sit snugly with "Why are we here?" and "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"

The worst poem I've ever written

2008-06-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

For many years, I wrote poetry. Tons and tons of poetry, so much that it filled several notebooks. Some of it was pretty decent, some of it was OK, but most of it was self-pitying tripe. The words that every writer's friend dreads are "I wrote a poem, can you tell me what you think of it?", so with that in mind, here's what I consider the worst poem I've ever written. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with writing it, all I know is that when I read it again, I couldn't help but smile.

It hurts
Delicious thick red seedy jam
Running down my thighs
Open wide, baby.
Four kinds of syrup
Uterus, eggs, blood, and love.
Hungry? Why wait?
And on the menu, my baby batter
Mixing with your eggs, in a pre-heated oven

And yet, it still kicks the living shit out of anything William Carlos Williams has ever written.

Aux armes!

2008-05-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

Not that you care, but I'm currently listening to an audiobook version of Simon Schama's "Citizens, A Chronicle of the French Revolution." So far, it's probably one of the most fascinating, well-written histories I've ever read on any subject. It's also the most shit-in-your-pants scary, due to the vast number of murders the French committed against their own people in the name of patriotism. Among the many great stories crammed into this volume is the origin of France's national anthem, La Marseillaise. It was written by Claude-Joseph Rouget de Lisle on April 24, 1792. An amateur musician, he managed somehow to capture perfectly the love of country, the desire to shed blood, and the fear of foreigners in this ballsy number. It was so powerful that it was banned by Napoleon, Louis XVIII, and Napoleon III because of it's revolutionary verses.

Here's the best scene in one of the greatest films of all time, Casablanca. If we ever watch this movie together, please turn your head away from me when this scene starts, or you might catch me blubbering like a little bitch.

And here's a version that's as good as the original, and another fine reason why I can never get this damn song out of my head:

Reflections in a Tobacco-Stained Eye

2008-05-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few years back, when I was still somewhat of a regular smoker. I now smoke maybe six cigarettes a month, give or take a couple. That said, I stand by everything I said in this, and whenever I find out that someone smokes, I smile.

The first time I had a cigarette was at my friend's urging. Since then he's told me how proud he was that he got me addicted to cigarettes, but I would like to give myself more credit than that. We were at the beach, sitting in his car in the parking lot. The first smoke I ever had was a Marlboro red, and it made me lightheaded. I told him I liked that feeling and he told me it wouldn't always be like that. When he told me this I wondered what the point of smoking was. It wasn't until later that I "got" it.

Because we were underage, my friend and I used to hit up bums to buy us smokes, with the promise that we'd let them bum one (note: I just checked this, and let me assure you...this pun was completely unintentional). When I mentioned this to a coworker recently he called me "horrible" and said he couldn't imagine anyone else doing this. I always figured that this was a commonplace thing, and that most young smokers do this. The little prick probably just wanted to give me a guilt trip for exploiting the homeless.

Even though I'm no longer 15 years old, I still flip over the first cigarette in a new pack and save it for last as my "lucky" smoke. At one point I did two, as my friend suggested that it was "double the luck." After doing that for a year and still being a virgin, I decided that it would be best to go back to one and at least not look like such an ass.

My brand of choice is Gauloises Blondes (Note: as of this writing I have discovered that the last Gauloises factory has shut down. This is indeed a sad day). The story behind this is that, while I was on my Paris trip, I kept bumming Marlboro lights off my roommate, and when we went out for a walk for the very first time I decided to hit up a tabac to buy my own pack of smokes. I wanted French cigarettes, but I didn't know what brands were available. When I reached the counter the man asked me what I wanted, and like a typical dipshit tourist I said "je voudrais..." and just pointed at random at the cigarettes. He didn't know which ones I was talking about and the first one he pulled out was Gauloises Blondes. I said "ouais" and that's been my brand ever since.

I don't do this anymore, but when my friend taught me how to blow smoke rings, this was his advice; "pretend you're sucking a dick and just pop out the smoke." This was an incredibly bizarre way of putting it, coming as it did from the biggest homophobe I knew. Years later another friend, a lady this time, taught me how to French Inhale. This stands as the only time that a smoking demonstration has ever come close to giving me an erection.

Sexy Debi: When I was a teen, I wanted to fuck her throat.

Club Par Avion was officially the first place that I became what is known as a "poly user," meaning someone who uses two or more stimulants at the same time. While in the past I would drink and also happen to smoke, it was there that I discovered that smoking greatly enhances your "buzz" when you've been drinking. Ever since I found that out I would down a drink or two and try to get to a smoking area as quickly as possible, to quicken the effects. I always tried to do this early, so that by the time I got back inside I no longer cared about looking like an ass.

I have noticed that while smoking is incredibly frowned upon, most of my friends smoke either regularly or occasionally. Whenever I find out that someone I know smokes, it's always a bit of a surprise to me, because it's not really something you see all that often anymore when walking down the street. It seems to be becoming a "dirty little secret," which is pretty funny considering that smoking is completely legal. It would appear that us cigarette smokers are a dying breed (pun intended this time). Speaking of which...another interesting thing that I've found is that a lot of nonsmokers that I talk to smoke pot, and then spout out this holier-than-thou shit about it. That seems to be pretty common, especially coming from some protest-kids that I know. I guess weed is supposed to be more "natural" and tobacco is some factory-produced capitalist monster hobby. Call it what you like, it doesn't change the fact that it's SMOKE being sucked into your lungs, and I place far more trust in The Man than I do in some twitching sore-ridden druggie handing over a bag of shit from god knows where.

I love California with all my heart, but every year seems like a step closer to a total ban on smoking. There are already commercials that have this message, showing babies and puppies and flowers and bubbles and all that. I defy anyone to tell me that this isn't propaganda, considering that it's ad space on TV being used up not to sell a product, but to deny the sale of one. What also doesn't get talked about is that the tobacco-ban bullshit is an attack on the bottom-middle class and poor, since they are the groups that smoke the most and are hit the hardest by increased taxes. Now people have a perfectly acceptable excuse to sneer at and insult these people without thinking that they're doing anything wrong. Florence King described the U.S. as a country of "friendly misanthropes," meaning that over here, we hate people but need to come up with excuses to justify our hatred, and the excuse of nonsmokers is the myth of "secondhand smoke." This makes every single nonsmoker susceptible to "passive smoke," meaning that once again, people in this country can claim to be a victim of something. Personal responsibility is out of the question, and if any kind of "wound" is inflicted, be it real or imaginary, they can collect. Take for example all the ex-smokers who are now suing the tobacco industry because they were too stupid to read the warning labels. This is why I can no-longer call myself a liberal. Getting older, you see just how quick both sides are to shut down something they don't like, and when I watch political debates or listen to friends talk politics, it becomes strikingly clear that I am not represented by either side, but this is a discussion for another time.

I'm going to end this by saying that I don't know how much longer I'm going to smoke. If I ever decide to quit my reasons are entirely my own, but the thought has crossed my mind. The reason for typing this up was that cigarettes have been with me since puberty and I wanted to write something of an "ode" to them. I have had a lot of good memories with cigarettes involved, so I could never hate them. It would be nice, though, if other people would respect that, even if they don't smoke.

Things Fall Apart

2008-05-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

We were driving through Coachella, taking some odd roads we've never heard of in search of the famous Salvation Mountain near Niland. Just before getting to the Salton Sea we saw some houses which were in advanced stages of decay, and garbage tossed about the sides of the road. Our first thought was, "God, what a shithole." Then we turned on the 111 toward Niland, and were shocked by what we saw. There were no gas stations, no liquor stores, no signs of life near the Salton Sea, a huge body of water which, from the car, looked sparkling blue and beautiful. From the distance we'd see a store, and think that maybe we finally had the opportunity to pull over and take a piss, but when we approached we'd be greeted with boarded windows and rotting walls. We knew nothing about the history of this place. All we saw was a wasteland. And yet, as we left town, I was hit by a strong urge to go back and see it again.

I have always loved photos of buildings, towns, and especially amusement parks in various stages of decay, with rot eating away at the polished exteriors and old memories falling away like chips of paint. I always felt a kind of comfort seeing weeds split open sidewalks, vines curling away and devouring walls, and rooftops torn to shreds by rain and snow storms. A quick search on the internet tells me that I am not alone. There are books showcasing dead American towns and buildings, and the market doesn't seem to be all that small. Most tourists want to see ghost towns, and things like the dead resorts of the Salton Sea are just an extension of this desire to see nature fight back. I'm no environmentalist, but I know what I like. Much like junk art, outsider music, cult films, and other things of questionable taste, the enthusiasm of nature to reclaim it's turf has a very strong effect on me. A building that's falling to pieces is vastly more beautiful and interesting to me than Hearst Castle, and I am not exaggerating.

Not near the Salton Sea, but still nice.

I can sit here and talk more about nature fighting back, the arrogance of man, and all that other politically-charged bullshit, but I won't. I just like certain kinds of ugliness. There are no political reasons for it. While I may not want to live in Bombay Beach, I would love to own land there and visit it, just to take a look around and see the surrounding areas being dragged down, piece by piece, into the artificial blob of polluted water that will eventually dry up and leave some very interesting treasures for that generation to examine.

A Love Letter To Chocolate

2008-05-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

I love chocolate. I don't care if it makes me a bitch, I love it. I can suck on Hershey bars for HOURS and still want more. Shove a funnel in my throat and pour in the fudge, because I want my body to TINGLE. Sometimes after eating a large amount, the back of my eyeballs start to feel like live wires...dancing around and shocking the shit out of my brain. If I were a character in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, I'd be Augustus, because that fat bastard was into EVERYTHING there. They'd know better than to let me into that place. I'd leave marks on everything, chomping and gobbling and devouring every corner of that place, running my tongue along the walls and up and down sweet hard chocolate poles and sucking out the filling. My heart is racing...I need some NOW.

I get midnight cravings, like my old baby-eating bitch of a boss. I'll be lying in bed, my body slicked with sweat, and the only thing on my mind is where the FUCK is my chocolate? I need it so badly...please, I'll do anything you want if I could just get some chocolate...I'll do the dishes, I'll polish the floor with my feet, I'll scrub down the tiles in the shower, just please give me a bar of chocolate. I feel cold, my arms are shaking, my eyes have sandbags under them...Dear God, what have I done to deserve this?

The stores are open, and of course I rush in with my hand eagerly holding several bucks to slap down on the counter. I find everything I need. I always do. I know what I want. I hand over my cash, collect my change, and get the hell out of the store and back onto the streets.

I'm back home. I open the door, close it, lock it, and go to my room. My shaking hands peel apart the delicate wrapper, and I stare at it's long, delicious form. My darling, pretty soon you're going to be in my mouth. I have to admire it for a little while before indulging myself, because it's a gift that God gave the world. A New World delight. I could drink it, of course, and I do, but at times like this, I need a nice, solid piece to enjoy.

My tongue gently laps the tip, and I quiver all over. Oh dear God, YES. This is what I've been craving for hours...my only reason for waking up. I enter it slowly into my mouth, my lips dragging across every end. I feel the hard candy move from the tip of my tongue further and further back. At this point, I thank God for not giving me a gag reflex. The deeper I can ram it in, the happier I'll be. I move my mouth back and forth on it, sucking and licking but NEVER biting. I want to savor the taste of it in my mouth. I stop, and let it sit gently on my tongue. I can feel it's delicious juices ooze into my throat, and I swallow every drop. Then I get back to work. My mouth starts hurting, I've been at it so long. I feel like my lips are going to turn purple, yet I continue. I have to keep going. This is the happiest moment of the day, when I hold this sweet candy in my mouth. I feel that the size has gone down. Unfortunately, all my pleasure, all my joy is coming to an end. It gets smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and then...nothing. All I'm left with are small pieces hiding in my teeth, and a dark streak on my tongue. It's over. All gone.

I lay back, exhausted but with a feeling of absolute bliss. My mouth is stiff and tired, but in another hour, I'll be back at it. I need it in me. I'm always dying for it. I love chocolate.