Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Why I Decided Not to Shock My Bad Habits Away

There's a lovely product on the market called Pavlok. You strap it on your wrist like a watch and every time you perform a habit that you want to break, you push a button and you'll either feel an annoying buzz, or a full-on electric shock. Because I'm a big fan of bizarre self help shit, I figured I'd give it a shot and placed an order for one a couple of weeks ago.

Now, had my Pavlok been delivered in a timely fashion, I may be wearing it right now, happily shocking the living shit out of myself every time I nibbled on a Dorito or piece of bread. Instead, and this is death for a product of this ilk, I had to deal with a longer-than-expected delay. And because of this I had time to, you know, think about whether or not I wanted to physically hurt myself over and over again with their product. I had also been reminded that I could do the same thing with a simple rubber band, which looks less fancy than a Pavlok but is more easily attainable, and slightly cheaper than the $200 price tag that a Pavlok fetches.

I also had the opportunity to watch a clip of Pavlok creator Maneesh Sethi getting his asshole ripped apart like pulled pork on an episode of Shark Tank, a show that's so repulsive to me that I'd never watch it unless the clip involved something that I spent money on (or Bulletball). The weirdest thing about Sethi's Shark Tank fiasco is that this guy actually promoted his appearance on the Pavlok mailing list that I found myself on. I get that there's no such thing as bad publicity, but I mean, one of the Shark Tank assholes actually yelled at him to "get the fuck out," and professional douchebag Mark Cuban called him a "con man." That's not really encouraging to people who have already given you money for said product.

Anyhow, the refund was processed and is presumably back in my bank account. I will still pursue bizarro self help products to break my habits, improve my health, engender longer, firmer erections, and give my life the quality it deserves. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to down a glass of fake food before starting my day.