Friday, June 25, 2010

Good Songs By Musicians I Hate

I try to give musicians a fair chance most of the time, especially since my teenage hatred of the Beach Boys and Patsy Cline turned out to be case studies in musical stupidity. Most of the time, when I find one good song by a musician, there are usually several more just lurking around the corner, and it’s time for me to reevaluate them. However, there are some bands that are so fucking repulsive that the only natural response is snarling hatred, but they still managed to squeeze out a song that I’ll admit is good. This is a list of a few of these bands.

Aerosmith: Sweet Emotion

This one is almost like cheating, since I loved this band as a teen. However, this is one of those instances where, with every year that passes, I hate them more and more. Every single song of theirs that I ever liked is now a bunch of derivative, macho, dick-waving bullshit to me. Their songs are by-the-number shitrock, with lyrics which sound like their were written by an excited teenager in between fits of masturbating. If I hear the intros to Walk This Way, Love in an Elevator, or Livin’ On the Edge, I just start getting angry, like Bruce Banner being called a “faggot” or something. In addition to have a ridiculously large catalog of second-rate garbage, they also have the ugliest fucking musician in music history as their lead singer. Fucker looks like he should be on Oprah describing how he survived a chimp attack, not fronting a million-selling rock act. This is the only band that I’ve ever regretted enjoying. Fuck, I’ll still defend Megadeth for having some great songs.

And yet...Sweet Emotion is a great fucking song. The intro builds a great atmosphere and the guitar playing kicks my ass all over the place. And the chorus, which is nothing more than “sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooooootiooooonnnnnnn” is also perfect. Of course, because it’s an Aerosmith song you still have their signature shitty lyrics and adequate singing, but the solo that ends the song makes up for it. The song is just too good to be theirs, and is.

To be honest, it was a toss-up between this and “Dream On,” but that song is so different from the rest of their catalog, and Steven the Schmuck actually sings that one well, that I opted for this one. Sweet Emotion actually makes more sense, because it sounds like an Aerosmith song, whereas Dream On sounds like an anomaly in their catalog.

Limp Bizkit: Nookie

Speaking of dick-waving bullshit, here’s probably one of the most hated bands of all time. This band is so fucking hated that I honestly don’t know a single person who’ll admit to ever liking them in the first place. I’ve even heard people swear up and down that their fame isn’t even legit, that record companies duped the record-buying public into enjoying these assholes. I would never go that far, since you can’t force the majority of people to enjoy something that they don’t, but they apparently did take part in some shady, underhanded bullshit in order to get exposure. I don’t fault them for that though, since you have to gain exposure somehow. I will fault them, though, for being a bunch of obnoxious retards who helped popularize one of the most idiotic subgenres of all time: Nu Metal. Since everything bad that can be said about this band has been said better by others, I won’t go any further here, but I have to add that any musician not named Snoop Dogg who puts out an X-rated video deserves all the hate they get.

That said, I have to admit that Nookie is one of the most insidiously catchy songs I’ve ever heard. The funky bass, the rapping, even the moronic chorus all work, making this probably the only song that I am truly, legitimately embarrassed about liking. Well you know what? Fuck you guys. If you can ironically like hair metal and other shit, then I can unironically enjoy Nookie, even though everything else this band put out is like rubbing broken glass in your ears. The only bad thing about Nookie is that stupid “like a chump, heeeeey” part. But you know what? That also works in the context of this song. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go weep in a corner, since I know that now I’ll never be accepted by the scenesters.

Britney Spears: Toxic

Poor Britney Spears. She started her career by making it socially acceptable for men of all ages to jerk off to underage girls (and even creating an environment where someone like Perez Hilton can post panty-less upskirt photos of an underage girl and get away with it, because that underage girl dresses like a skank onstage), and is now known mainly for being crazy trailer trash. Her status in the entertainment industry is such that making fun of her is akin to still making Monica Lewinsky and John Wayne Bobbit jokes. I was always annoyed by her, but after her mental collapse I started feeling bad for her, and I think that picking on her now is kinda like beating up Dave Pelzer. Hasn’t she suffered enough shit talk? Regardless, her music was always atrociously bad, boring pop. In her quest to become the new Madonna, she forgot about having a passable singing voice and the ability to change with the times. While the majority of Madonna’s style changes have been idiotic (except for the boner-inspiring Like a Prayer era), they were always at least interesting. Britney just took the “whore” thing and ran with it. Come on Britney, do Mormon-chic or something!

As yawn-inspiring as her music typically is, however, Toxic is amazing. I first heard it when I went to the beach with the love of my life, and my immediate thought was, “this is Britney Spears, but it sounds this a remix or something?” When I came home and listened to it on YouTube, I was shocked. Here was Britney Spears, with an honest-to-god great song. That little high-pitched screech in the hook, that beat, that testicle-exploding surf part, even her singing clicked. This, in combination with her head-shaving, umbrella-waving, weight-gaining downward spiral made me seriously consider going back and re-evaluating her work. Then I heard her early hits again and was instantly bitch-slapped back into reality. Those songs still suck, but Toxic is brilliant, and maybe one of the best pop songs I’ve heard. That’s right, fuckers. I went there.

The Righteous Brothers: Little Latin Lupe Lu

There is no decade more viciously stroked than the 60s, which is both considered “the greatest decade EVER” for music and “the only decade that music was good” by insufferable snobs. One of the most important of the important names of the 60s (for me) is Phil Spector, now unfortunately known more for shooting people and wearing tumbleweeds on his head than for the jaw-droppingly amazing body of work he produced. I love pretty much everything this fucker ever touched, EXCEPT the fucking Righteous Brothers. These “blue-eyed soul” schmucks pumped out some crappy, schmaltzy hits that wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t played over and over and over and over and OVER by radio stations. The songs themselves aren’t inherently bad, they’re just fucking boring, by-the-numbers crap, which somehow even manage to sound worse when backed by Phil’s wall of sound. It’s like Phil was one of the Iron Chefs, and the ingredient he had to work with was “dog shit.”

So how the fuck did they pump out Little Latin Lupe Lu? It just doesn’t make any sense. This song grabs you by your short hairs and drags you to the dancefloor, and it has a full, delicious sound that somehow makes their voices sound good. When it starts getting wild at the end, you’re almost ready to forgive them for those horrendous fucking ballads they recorded. Then you realize that those ballads made enough money for both brothers to swim in Olympic-sized swimming pools full of cash, cocaine, and naked groupies, so your forgiveness means less than nothing.

Kanye West: Gold Digger

I know that this is safe, that everyone says it, that it means nothing, but fuck it: Kanye West is one of the worst fucking people alive. Everyone else on this list is annoying, but Kanye deserves a savage beating with a baseball bat covered with barbed wire. He’s an obnoxious, spoiled child of a “man,” who treats the world like it only exists to feed him an unending stream of attention. He talks shit about books and reading, then has the nerve to “write” a book of his little words of wisdom, as if what he has to say deserves to be nestled snugly next to Confucius’ Analects. If I had to choose between punching him or Osama Bin Laden in the face, I would seriously have a hard time with that decision, and honestly, I think the 9/11 wives would be similarly conflicted. He’s that much of an asshole. Oh, and his music? Just as fucking atrocious. God damn I fucking hate this guy.

And then there’s Gold Digger, a great rap song. I like the “I Got a Woman” sample, I like the beat, and even though it’s typical woman-hating bullshit, the lyrics are also pretty decent. Kanye’s rapping isn’t great, but it’s good enough for the song. I really, really like this song, and that’s all I’m going to say because giving Kanye any more credit is just going to make me so mad that I’ll have to scream into a pillow or something.

Honorable Mention: Sublime

I hated Sublime so much in the past, but I’ve eased up on them and will now admit that they had some decent songs. Enough of their songs are good that I can’t put them in this list, even though everything else about them makes me throw up a little.

Almost made the list: No Doubt

I like the song “Just a Girl,” but not enough to add it to this list. Gwen Stefani is probably the worst singer to ever release an album (this includes William Hung), and her voice is so bad that I can’t in good faith defend it for just one song. The song is pretty catchy, but not nearly enough to get past that voice. Fuck Gwen Stefani is what I’m basically saying here.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Why I'm Glad CDs Are Dying

CDs are dying, and I’m just going to say good riddance. I’ve been a music fan for years and have had to put up with an inordinately long list of garbage released by money-hungry record labels and misguided, borderline retarded musicians. Here are five reasons why I’m glad CDs are dying, and why I welcome purchasing individual songs online in place of albums:

Foreign-only bonus tracks

This is something that only dorks care about, but since I’m a dork, it bothers me. Something that some musicians like to do is release a different version of their albums overseas, with more songs than what you get in the states. Granted, it’s usually two or three extra songs, but still, it pisses me off to be a die-hard fan of someone and be told that if I want to hear two more of their songs, I’ll have to pay twice the cost of the album or even more in order to do so. Beck did this shit all the time, and his reasoning was, “they have to pay more, so they should get a little extra something.” That’s a very nice reason, but it still fucks over the people who made you famous in the first place. Also, because of new tracks following the final one, those overseas have the privilege of avoiding another thing that pisses me off, and that’s

Musicians who fuck with track length for no good reason

Another thing that’s fucking annoying as all hell is having an album end, and having to sit through several long minutes of silence, only to get a little “treat” at the end. And this isn’t through another’s on the same exact track as the final song. Sometimes it’s random noise, sometimes dialog, sometimes even an extra song. I know that musicians think it’s cute, but what happens if you really like the last song and want to burn it onto a CD? And don’t give me that bullshit that you’re not supposed to be burning songs onto CDs in the first place. People have always made their own mixes, and the artist knows this. Another thing which made me want to find the band and punch each of them repeatedly in the face was when I discovered that the last song was divided into around 70 separate “tracks” of a few seconds each. There’s no fucking justification for that, it’s just a pure douche move by a band trying to be cute.

Re-recordings of old hits

This is something that’s mainly affects fans of oldies. Because the musician got fucked out of royalties on the original, hit versions of a single, most of them re-recorded the songs several times in order to profit when compiled and sold as a “best of.” I have never, ever, ever in my life heard a re-recording that was even half as good as the original. A lot of times it doesn’t even sound like the same band. Sometimes the music itself has a weird contemporary sound that doesn’t fit the feel of the original song. Even more disgusting is when the CD itself is labelled with something like “original hits,” which is technically true...the musician is the original artist who recorded these. It’s still a dirty move, and I don’t care how strapped for cash they are, these musicians can go fuck themselves.

Live versions in place of singles

Let’s say you’re a fan of a certain band, and there’s one song in particular that you really love. You go out and debate between buying the album that it was on and their greatest hits. You decide to go with the greatest hits because you like some of their other hits that aren’t on the studio album. Nothing on the track listing suggests that you’re getting anything other than the hit recordings. You come home, put it in, jump to the track you bought the CD for, and you’re greeted with applause, talking, and a shitty live version of the song you wanted. Furious, you check the back again. No statement saying that there are live versions. It’s only when you open the case (non-refundable now, bitch!) and look at the booklet that you see an asterix next to the track and a note saying “recorded live at...” And it’s not one of those awesome live versions that are hits in and of themselves, like Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me.” No, this is a calculated move to get you to buy two or more albums, because you got suckered. Goddamn I fucking hate surprise live versions!!! On a related note, I hate when remixes are slapped on greatest hits albums instead of the hit version. Hey asshole, it’s casual fans that are buying the greatest hits package, not die-hards. The die-hard wants the remix and live version. For casual fans, you’re just punishing them for having an interest in your work. Thanks for giving them a shitty first impression. It’s like greeting someone with a handshake after wiping your ass with a single square of toilet paper.

Dialog/skits that are not left as separate tracks

Why the fuck do bands feel the need to add skits to their songs? This is mainly shit that rappers do, because they all seem to think that they’re comedy geniuses on par with Rudy Ray Moore. Sorry, but when I want to hear “Gin and Juice,” I don’t want it to be preceded by the sound of some guy taking a piss. It’s not just skits though. One thing that fucking infuriates me to the point of blinding rage is when I shell out good money for a box set, and because it’s representing something historic they feel the need to add snippets from historical speeches to the tracks themselves. So I’ll hear some funk song, and when the track ends a fucking Malcolm X snippets plays, which was NOT part of the original song, just something that the compilers added to say “THIS IS IMPORTANT.” Sometimes it’s not “important” at all, just something cute to wink at the buyer. Earlier I was listening to an Ultra Lounge comp with a French theme, and tacked onto the end of a bunch of tracks is a lady with a heavy French accent talking about France. This is NOT INTERESTING. In fact, it’s worse than that, it’s fucking annoying and makes me want to throw the goddamn CD out the window. If I want to hear random talking, I’ll go back to audiobooks. When I put on a music CD, especially a compilation, I want to hear music and no fucking added bullshit! Now if I ever want to make a comp of my favorite songs from this series, I’m going to have to do a bunch of editing myself because the folks who released this CD are a bunch of twats. Go fuck yourselves.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Celebrity Sex Tape Edition!

Apparently there’s yet another “celebrity” sex tape coming out, this time coming from a hideous old lady named Danielle Staub from the show Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don’t watch this show and know nothing about it, except that, given the title, it’s a reality show with random assholes who become famous just because they’re being filmed while being random assholes. Anyhow, a tape was leaked by some guy who “Staubed” Danielle and filmed the whole thing, and is now trying to make a buck off of their tryst. And of course it’s going to make money, because even though Staub’s about as attractive as a dangling Halloween mask, people still like watching the private sexual encounters of strangers. Also, there is no doubt in my mind that Staub was behind the link, since celebrity sex tapes nearly always cause people to become more famous than they deserve to be.

Paris Hilton is a perfect example. Probably the most disgusting woman currently alive, she was famous for being rich and “attractive.” Apparently a shockingly large number of men have a fetish for lazy eyes. Anyhow, her fame was limited to being a cunty socialite until her sex tape hit the market. For fans of drugged-up, uninspired sex with boring non-celebrities and piss-poor lighting, this video was a revelation. After this video hit the stores, her fame soared, she had a lame TV show, starred in some idiotic films, and became a real celebrity. The message was clear: “get filmed fucking, and fame waits around the corner.”

The other big non-celebrity to get fame from her sex tape was Kim Kardashian. Look, I’m not going to sit here and say she’s ugly. Unlike Paris Hilton, who I genuinely find hideous, I’ll grudgingly admit that Kardashian is attractive, mainly because of her mammoth, cartoonish ass and “exotic” face. Why do I have to admit this grudgingly? Because her personality is almost as repulsive as Hilton’s, and every quote that I’ve ever read from her makes me want to punch something. She made a sex tape with some guy, it got released, and just like magic, she was offered a TV show by the shittiest network currently on the air, E! Because this tape was obviously made for her to get famous, the lighting was better. I wouldn’t be surprised if she also hired a director.

Since these two idiots got famous from their sex tapes, it seems like everyone’s trying to get in on the action. Some of the more pathetic attempts have been made by men, sad as it is to say. That one midget actor released a sex tape that no one but circus performers would be interested in, and that poofy-haired schmuck from Saved by the Bell released an unappealing sex tape called “Saved by the Smell.” OK, fuck it. I’ll admit that that was clever. Finally, political disaster John Edwards also made a sex tape, which is under lock and key because it is being used as evidence in a legal case. Now THAT is a sex tape that nobody would have guessed existed.

Probably the most famous sex tape was made by Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. It makes perfect sense why this tape sold an insane number of copies, as it had everything the public wanted to see: big breasts, a big penis, and Hepatitis C. Probably the greatest thing to come from this was when Bret Michaels made a laughable attempt to regain fame by releasing a tape he made with Pamela. To the surprise of no one, it was met with a shrug. Sorry Bret!

Anyhow, because everyone in Hollywood lives for the camera, there are probably a ton of sex tapes just begging to be leaked. Without further ado, here’s my list of sex tapes that I would love to see:

Sigourney Weaver

I am ridiculously attracted to her, probably because strong, ass-kicking women have always appealed to me. The possibilities of a Weaver sex tape are limitless. Remember that scene in one of the Alien films where the alien opened it’s mouth, and another mouth came out of it? I’ll leave the rest unsaid.

Linda Blair & Rick James

There was nothing sexier than how Regan developed during the Reagan years. She briefly dated Rick James, and if that man had his own personal crack torture chamber, then he HAD to have had hidden cameras filming his bedroom shenanigans with Blair. As someone who as a teen shamelessly purchased a copy of Night Patrol just because I heard somewhere that she had a breast flash in it, I would obviously be the first in line to buy this one.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie’s far too famous for this one to come out, but that doesn’t mean that I still wouldn’t hack my arm off to see this one. For the time being, I’ll have to settle for Secretary. What can I say, sometimes I’m attracted to weird faces.

Fat Anna Nicole Smith

Come on now, this one HAS to exist. There is no possible way that this can’t be out there somewhere. While early, model Anna Nicole was attractive, she was still a bit too cartoony. It was only when she started chowing down and bloating up that she became sexier to me, something which is also happening with E.T. look-alike Jessica Simpson. The only downside to a fat Anna Nicole Smith sex tape would be the inevitable appearance of that creepy-as-hell lawyer Howard K. Stern. One look into those insane, dead eyes would shrivel me up faster than a slug in a salt mine.

Salma Hayek

Probably the most pedestrian name on the list, since pretty much every guy has a thing for her. Hell, put her in a burka and she’d still create wet spots in a man’s jeans. The only way this one could be better would be if she filmed it with Antonio Banderas, since Latin love-making is supposed to be the best love-making there is.

Madonna circa Like a Prayer

Another one that I know exists. I know this because it’s Madonna, and she goes through men the way I go through Doritos when I’m at my most pathetic. She was never sexier than when she was doing that weird Catholic thing, and as everyone knows, Catholicism is the sexy religion. Strangely enough, she stopped being sexually appealing when she went through her Erotic faze. It’s amazing what getting fingered by Vanilla Ice will do to your appeal.

The Go Go’s

A REAL one. There’s a video floating around going by the name “Go Go’s sex tape,” but from what I heard, it’s just the Go Go’s being drunk and convincing a drunk roadie to ram a dildo up his ass. Seriously, who the hell wants to watch that?

Jamie Lee Curtis

There’s one section on my old VHS tape of True Lies which is worn out to the point of being unwatchable. I’ll say no more, except that a Jamie Lee Curtis sex tape would finally put an end to those retarded rumors of her supposedly having a penis.


Remember Cabbage Patch Kids? Would you like to see one grown up with a shitty tan? If so, watch Jersey Shore and your wish will come true, since Snooki looks exactly like that. Why the hell would I want to see a Snooki sex tape? Two reasons. The first is because I want to see if there’s a Xavier Roberts tattoo on her ass. The second reason is because I want to see a video floating around the internet with the label “Snooki Gets Donkey Punched!” And unlike everything else on my wish list, I know that this one coming out is going to be guaranteed. Hell, it’s probably getting it’s cover art printed as I’m typing this.