Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Celebrity Sex Tape Edition!

Apparently there’s yet another “celebrity” sex tape coming out, this time coming from a hideous old lady named Danielle Staub from the show Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don’t watch this show and know nothing about it, except that, given the title, it’s a reality show with random assholes who become famous just because they’re being filmed while being random assholes. Anyhow, a tape was leaked by some guy who “Staubed” Danielle and filmed the whole thing, and is now trying to make a buck off of their tryst. And of course it’s going to make money, because even though Staub’s about as attractive as a dangling Halloween mask, people still like watching the private sexual encounters of strangers. Also, there is no doubt in my mind that Staub was behind the link, since celebrity sex tapes nearly always cause people to become more famous than they deserve to be.

Paris Hilton is a perfect example. Probably the most disgusting woman currently alive, she was famous for being rich and “attractive.” Apparently a shockingly large number of men have a fetish for lazy eyes. Anyhow, her fame was limited to being a cunty socialite until her sex tape hit the market. For fans of drugged-up, uninspired sex with boring non-celebrities and piss-poor lighting, this video was a revelation. After this video hit the stores, her fame soared, she had a lame TV show, starred in some idiotic films, and became a real celebrity. The message was clear: “get filmed fucking, and fame waits around the corner.”

The other big non-celebrity to get fame from her sex tape was Kim Kardashian. Look, I’m not going to sit here and say she’s ugly. Unlike Paris Hilton, who I genuinely find hideous, I’ll grudgingly admit that Kardashian is attractive, mainly because of her mammoth, cartoonish ass and “exotic” face. Why do I have to admit this grudgingly? Because her personality is almost as repulsive as Hilton’s, and every quote that I’ve ever read from her makes me want to punch something. She made a sex tape with some guy, it got released, and just like magic, she was offered a TV show by the shittiest network currently on the air, E! Because this tape was obviously made for her to get famous, the lighting was better. I wouldn’t be surprised if she also hired a director.

Since these two idiots got famous from their sex tapes, it seems like everyone’s trying to get in on the action. Some of the more pathetic attempts have been made by men, sad as it is to say. That one midget actor released a sex tape that no one but circus performers would be interested in, and that poofy-haired schmuck from Saved by the Bell released an unappealing sex tape called “Saved by the Smell.” OK, fuck it. I’ll admit that that was clever. Finally, political disaster John Edwards also made a sex tape, which is under lock and key because it is being used as evidence in a legal case. Now THAT is a sex tape that nobody would have guessed existed.

Probably the most famous sex tape was made by Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. It makes perfect sense why this tape sold an insane number of copies, as it had everything the public wanted to see: big breasts, a big penis, and Hepatitis C. Probably the greatest thing to come from this was when Bret Michaels made a laughable attempt to regain fame by releasing a tape he made with Pamela. To the surprise of no one, it was met with a shrug. Sorry Bret!

Anyhow, because everyone in Hollywood lives for the camera, there are probably a ton of sex tapes just begging to be leaked. Without further ado, here’s my list of sex tapes that I would love to see:

Sigourney Weaver

I am ridiculously attracted to her, probably because strong, ass-kicking women have always appealed to me. The possibilities of a Weaver sex tape are limitless. Remember that scene in one of the Alien films where the alien opened it’s mouth, and another mouth came out of it? I’ll leave the rest unsaid.

Linda Blair & Rick James

There was nothing sexier than how Regan developed during the Reagan years. She briefly dated Rick James, and if that man had his own personal crack torture chamber, then he HAD to have had hidden cameras filming his bedroom shenanigans with Blair. As someone who as a teen shamelessly purchased a copy of Night Patrol just because I heard somewhere that she had a breast flash in it, I would obviously be the first in line to buy this one.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie’s far too famous for this one to come out, but that doesn’t mean that I still wouldn’t hack my arm off to see this one. For the time being, I’ll have to settle for Secretary. What can I say, sometimes I’m attracted to weird faces.

Fat Anna Nicole Smith

Come on now, this one HAS to exist. There is no possible way that this can’t be out there somewhere. While early, model Anna Nicole was attractive, she was still a bit too cartoony. It was only when she started chowing down and bloating up that she became sexier to me, something which is also happening with E.T. look-alike Jessica Simpson. The only downside to a fat Anna Nicole Smith sex tape would be the inevitable appearance of that creepy-as-hell lawyer Howard K. Stern. One look into those insane, dead eyes would shrivel me up faster than a slug in a salt mine.

Salma Hayek

Probably the most pedestrian name on the list, since pretty much every guy has a thing for her. Hell, put her in a burka and she’d still create wet spots in a man’s jeans. The only way this one could be better would be if she filmed it with Antonio Banderas, since Latin love-making is supposed to be the best love-making there is.

Madonna circa Like a Prayer

Another one that I know exists. I know this because it’s Madonna, and she goes through men the way I go through Doritos when I’m at my most pathetic. She was never sexier than when she was doing that weird Catholic thing, and as everyone knows, Catholicism is the sexy religion. Strangely enough, she stopped being sexually appealing when she went through her Erotic faze. It’s amazing what getting fingered by Vanilla Ice will do to your appeal.

The Go Go’s

A REAL one. There’s a video floating around going by the name “Go Go’s sex tape,” but from what I heard, it’s just the Go Go’s being drunk and convincing a drunk roadie to ram a dildo up his ass. Seriously, who the hell wants to watch that?

Jamie Lee Curtis

There’s one section on my old VHS tape of True Lies which is worn out to the point of being unwatchable. I’ll say no more, except that a Jamie Lee Curtis sex tape would finally put an end to those retarded rumors of her supposedly having a penis.


Remember Cabbage Patch Kids? Would you like to see one grown up with a shitty tan? If so, watch Jersey Shore and your wish will come true, since Snooki looks exactly like that. Why the hell would I want to see a Snooki sex tape? Two reasons. The first is because I want to see if there’s a Xavier Roberts tattoo on her ass. The second reason is because I want to see a video floating around the internet with the label “Snooki Gets Donkey Punched!” And unlike everything else on my wish list, I know that this one coming out is going to be guaranteed. Hell, it’s probably getting it’s cover art printed as I’m typing this.


Zinnia Cress said...

ahahaha.... you should really post more often... when i read your posts- i red it inmy head with your voice- and you, being a fabulous story teller, i always end up laughing out loud at least once per paragrapgh. laughing while reading is a rare but fabulous thing.

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