Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Movies With Titles So Bad You Don't Even Want to Ask for a Ticket

Early this year I told my friend Sofia about what I thought was the shittiest movie title in the world. The film was reviewed in Shock Cinema magazine and was called POW! HARD SEX! It was a Japanese film I believe, and I know that these things don't translate well, but fuck, it was a bad title. After that we just went off naming movie after movie that we thought had a crappy, ill-advised title. Thus, the following list. These are films that, regardless of the merits as films, have titles so bad that it would be embarrassing to have to call a video store and ask if one of these were available.

The following list is of real movies. Unfortunately, this leaves out such great bad movie titles as Chubby Rain, DR. ACula, The Muppets Go Medieval, and The Blunch Black of Blotre Blame. I assure you, these titles are just as bad...or worse.


POW! HARD SEX!
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The Ghost and Mr. Chicken
The Apple Dumpling Gang
Donnie Darko
The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
Flubber
Sicko
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Server
Baseketball
Kustum Kar Kommandos
Look Who's Talking
Look Who's Talking Too
Look Who's Talking Now
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Frankenhooker
Space Jam
Juwanna mann
Pootie Tang
Baby's Day Out
Batman Forever
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
Redneck Zombies
Rabid Grannies
Killer Condom
Dead Dudes in the House
Don't Tell Mom the Baby Sitter's Dead
Maid to Order
Frankenweenie
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Friday After Next
Dude Where's My Car?
How High
Desperately Seeking Susan
The Breakfast Club
Children of the Corn
Sweet Sweetbacks Badasssss Song
Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead
Eight Heads in A Duffel Bag
For a Few Dollars More
Leonard Part 6
Boom!
The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit
Operation Dumbo Drop
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
Holes
The Howling 3: The Marsupials
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood
Soft Toilet Seats
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
Cop and a Half
Freddy Got Fingered
Octopussy
Slap Her..She's French
Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo
Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling So Sad
The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain
Snatch
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Rat Pfink a Boo Boo
The Pope Must Die(t)
Nuns on the Run
The Unbearable Likeness of Being
The Neverending Story II
Free Willy

Sofia listed some other films, but I didn't think the titles were all that bad. However, I did agree with the following:

Plump Fiction
Swept Away... by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August
King Ralph
Ed and His Dead Mother
Big Fish
The End of the World in Our Usual Bed in a Night Full of Rain
Black Snake Moan
The Man with the Golden Gun
The Shrimp on the Barbie
Julian Donkey-Boy
Summer Night, with Greek Profile, Almond Eyes and Scent of Basil
The Forbidden Dance
Roller Boogie
Lucky Number Slevin
Die Hard: With a Vengeance
A Joke of Destiny, Lying in Wait Around the Corner Like a Bandit
Live Free or Die Hard
Face/Off

Finally, I must mention The Shawshank Redemption. This is a good movie, but the title is so fucking bad that, if I remember correctly, it actually hurt its success at the box office. Then there's something like The Last of the Mobile Hot-Shots, which never would have found any success outside of the small niche of fanatical Tennessee Williams fans, regardless of the title. Then there's Quantum of Solace, which sucks even for a Bond title...I'll just stop now.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Lowering Your Standards for Explosions is Counterproductive

I never saw the first Transformers movie for two reasons. One reason was that I never watched the cartoon as a child, so I had no attachment to these characters. The second was that it looked fucking retarded. Imagine my shock when, sitting in the theater ready to watch a typical blockbuster film (I think it was Star Trek), the preview for the sequel comes on, and it looks like it could be a damn fine film. It looked dark. The special effects looked great instead of obnoxious. There was a feeling of dread in that preview that made me reconsider my opinion of Michael Bay. I actually considered watching it.



Then, I saw another preview.



Aside from the special effects, the film looks like a steaming pile of metallic shit. I read some reviews, and I find out that it’s just more of Michael Bay’s typical bullshit. I don’t even want to catch this fucker in the dollar theater. I’ve seen some of his other films and know exactly what to expect. I believe that it is impossible for certain directors to make a film that I would want to see, since the type of shit that gets them off is the stuff that shrivels me up.

I bring this up because when I saw another film this weekend, I saw the preview for 2012, and it looked like a great “everyone is going to die” movie. Hell, I thought that maybe there might even be some decent character development and a good story to boot. Then I saw that it was directed by Roland Emmerich, the same numbnuts who did Independence Day and Godzilla, two films that I have an intense hatred for. Looks like I’ll be skipping this one, too.

I hate the argument that “it doesn’t matter if the acting and plot sucks, those special effects are awesome!” Or even “what were you expecting when you went to this movie?” People who make these arguments need to be punched repeatedly in the face. James Cameron consistently made great action films with believable characters and good plots. The first two Spider-Man films were fun and all around great movies. The Dark Knight was a great FILM that had a ton of action in it. There is no reason whatsoever for me to give leeway to these directors of shit films just because the genre they work in has a lot of explosions and fighting. Is it really too much to ask these people to hire someone to put a few days worth of effort into making the script believable? There’s really no excuse for this except laziness.

Of course, since Transformers 2 is raking in the cash, any positive effects The Dark Knight may have had on action films have been officially flushed down the shitter.

Sunday, July 19, 2009