Saturday, January 31, 2009

Disc Jockey

A video I made for the song Disc Jockey by Adriano Celentano. I have nothing clever to say about it, except that I used clips from a few films that I liked.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Experiment Number 2

My second video. Less disturbing, but still joyous.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ode to Joy

Ladies and Gentlemen, my first video. It's titled "Ode to Joy," and is mainly disturbing/sad/funny images with exceedingly happy music. I hope you like it, because it's my baby.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

McNeeley Can Eat It

Growing up, I hated most sports. In fact, I took weighlifting in high school specifically because I didn't want to play a sport, and it was the only other option available. A tradition that I do miss, however, was my dad inviting a bunch of people over to watch a boxing match. Even though I hated sports, I enjoyed boxing, mainly because it was so basic. Two guys beating each other up...how could an angry teenageer not enjoy it? I never had a favorite boxer, but I tended to root for underdogs. Thus, when Mike Tyson had his post-rape "comeback" fight against Peter McNeeley, I rooted for McNeeley. I remember everyone gathered around that cramped living room, loud, speaking Spanish, and gulping down mouthfulls of beer. I was off to a corner, not really talking to anyone, and the only thing I would do is holler "MCNEELEY!!!!" when he would show up on the screen. No one really backed either of the boxers, but they were pretty sure that McNeeley would end up flat on his rear end. Regardless, everyone was pretty excited about the fight, myself included.

Finally, after a retardedly long build up that NO ONE was interested in, the fight started. I hesitate to call this farce a "fight," but that's what it was billed as. After 89 pathetic seconds, McNeeley's manager threw in the towel, under the lame excuse that he was preventing him from taking any further damage. Everyone in that room was furious that the fight ended so quickly, and it was generally assumed that this match was a sham and that we were all ripped off.

Other McNeeley embarrassments in the ring include him getting floored by Butterbean in one round, and then getting knocked down in the second round against Henry Akinwande.

As pathetic as McNeeley was in the ring, it turns out that he's even more pathetic out in the real world. According to Wikipedia, in 1998 he was found passed out drunk outside of a sub shop in Massachusetts. In 2006 he was arrested for punching a man and stealing his wallet (the man was probably more stunned by the punch than anything else, since this schmuck can't box). Finally, in 2006 he was arrested yet again, this time for driving a getaway car used in a Walgreens robbery. In addition to $180, he also stole a fanny pack. As sad as it is, getting "knocked down" in a fake fight with Mike Tyson was the highlight of this idiot's career.

It might seem easy to make fun of a washed-up boxer, but I don't care. All I remember is that night, watching the Tyson/McNeeley match, I was pumped up and excited for the fight. What I got was a joke, which permanently destroyed not only how I viewed boxing, but professional sports in general. It was so obvious that the fight was fixed, that I was even more bitter after the fight than I was before. Thanks a lot, jerk. You ruined the only sport I liked.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Rectum Ripper


When I think about delicious products that I want in my mouth, the last thing I think of is the word “rectum.” However, among hot sauce fans, there is apparently some strange correlation between an appealing sauce and excruciating pain in the anus. The following products are real, and since I am no fan of either hot sauces or a painful derriere, I’ll skip them and let you report back to me whether or not it was as delicious as it was advertised.

















Thursday, January 8, 2009

Roland's Big List of Lists

Top 5 Movies

A Streetcar Named Desire
Citizen Kane
Jules et Jim
Goodfellas
Polyester

Top 5 Albums

Beck - Mellow Gold
Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited
Tiny Tim - God Bless Tiny Tim
Michel Polnareff - Love Me Please Love Me
The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds

Top 5 Books

James Joyce - Ulysses
William S. Burroughs - Naked Lunch
John Steinbeck - The Grapes of Wrath
H.G. Wells - War of the Worlds
Irvine Welsh - Trainspotting

Top 5 Gardens

Giverny
The one at Versailles
The Huntington Library's Botanical Garden
Gilgal Garden
The one that was in my girlfriend's back yard before the goat ate all the plants

Top 5 Buildings

The Burj Al Arab
The Louvre (except for that retarded pyramid)
The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City
The Los Angeles City Library
Motel 6 in Eugene, OR

Top 5 Drinks (alcoholic)

Washington Apple
Cape Cod
Adios
Fat Bastard Wine
Long Island Iced Tea

Top 5 Drinks (non-alcoholic)

Coffee (Decaf)
Tea (Decaf)
Caffeine-free Pepsi
Sierra Mist
Water

Top 5 Foods

Hamburgers
French Fries
Pork Chops
Chick-Fil-A Original Chicken Sandwiches
Philippe's French Dips

Top 5 Wars

The Revolutionary War
The Napoleonic Wars
The Great War
The Civil War
The War on Poverty

Top 5 Presidents

Abe Lincoln
Thomas Jefferson
Richard Nixon
Herbert Hoover
FDR

Top 5 Websites

Jim Goad's Netjerk Lounge
Failblog
Cracked
I Don't Like You in That Way
This one.

Top 5 Fingers

Pinky
Ring
Middle
Index
Thumb

1001 Things You Must Do Before You Die...But Can't

I'm a huge fan of lists, and since I can't seem to accomplish much else in life, I always try my hand at completing some list or other. My earliest attempt was the AFI 100 movies list. I started on it when the list first came out, but gave up on it when I started viewing movies which may have been important, maybe even groundbreaking, but bored the living shit out of me ("The Jazz Singer" and "Birth of a Nation," I'm looking at YOU). However, every now and then I get an urge to start on a list, just to feel like I've done something productive with my dicking-around time. I've made attempts at the Modern Library's 100 Novels list, the Radcliffe Rival list, the updated AFI movie list, and even some album lists. I have yet to finish a single one of them, but I've gotten pretty well along and have found some amazing new stuff because of these lists. Thus, I feel vindicated for the time spent.

There is another list, though, that has held a strange appeal over me. Actually, it's a series of lists, and while they may seem pretty cool upon first encountering them, when you get into it, you want to kill the editors for giving you false hopes. The lists I'm talking about are the "1000 (blank) You Must (blank) Before You Die" lists. These books are fat, pretty, and seem like nirvana for dorks. There are tons of nice illustrations, and just flipping through one of these fuckers is enough to make you cream in your jeans. Just don't make the mistake of actually trying to complete one of these lists. The editors, who may be decent folks, put these books together in such an insidiously evil way that you will never finish these lists unless you're scary-obsessive and have resources at the tips of your fingers that other mere mortals do not.

Take the "1001 Books" book. I'm going to ignore many of the flaws in the book and only mention one. This flaw, however, is so glaring that you wonder how the editor was given his job. The flaw is this: some of the books are unavailable in English. Now, it may only be a few books, and if you do some serious, hard-core digging, you may find an elusive copy of Mann's "Professor Unrat" in English, but still, if you're going to put out a book like this, shouldn't availability be a bare-minimum for inclusion? The most egregious example is "The Taebek Mountains," a book that has never been published in English, and which there are no plans whatsoever for translating into English. So unless you speak Korean, you will never read this book. Now some smart-ass out there may point out that you can get a French translation...well guess what? That translation isn't even complete. It's only of a few volumes, and who knows when it will ever be finished? Thus, YOU WILL NEVER FINISH THIS LIST.

Also, I have been looking through the "1001 Movies" list, and have been shocked at how many films are completely unavailable, not just on DVD, but also on VHS. Bruce Conner's short film "Report" is only available as a $30 rental on 16mm film, so unless you have a projector, you will never see this movie. Also, there are over 100 movies on the list that are not available on DVD, some not available on VHS, and a few that have never been released here. Why, why, WHY make these fucking lists if you can't easily access the materials? OK, I understand why "Scorpio Rising" made the list, and at least that one finally got a DVD release, but many others have not been as lucky. If it hasn't been on the market in the last ten or twenty years, it has no business being in this fucking book. NEXT!

The "1001 Albums" list is a little better, but just keep in mind that the Loretta Lynn album is only on vinyl. I haven't gone through the entire list yet, but considering what I've encountered in the prior two books, I can only imagine that some shit will be on the list that's only available as a limited-edition 8 track released only in New Zealand. Thanks a lot, dickheads!

These books have become quite a sensation, and there are volumes with gardens, paintings, buildings, wines, and fucking FOODS that you must see, drink, and eat before finally dying. I'm sure that the gardens book includes the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the paintings book a picture that Van Gogh painted over and then burned, the buildings book the Stardust casino, the wine book some shit that was aged in California but then smashed outside the French consulate by pro-war protesters, and the food book slabs of mammoth bathed in dodo eggs.

Enough bitching. In my next post, I'll throw up some of my own lists.