Saturday, August 30, 2008

Roland's Weekend Movie

Yet another French favorite...this one is 1902's A Trip To the Moon, inspired by my recent excitement over the work of H.G. Wells.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Why You Shouldn't Read My Blog


First of all, there are thousands upon thousands of other blogs out there. I'm just some random guy with dubious credentials. My only claim to "fame" is that I happened to be in a book by someone I work with. There's no skill in that.

I don't update this blog very often, and when I do it's usually wordy blather on unimportant topics that few, if any, readers actually care about. Also, in a lame attempt to increase the number of posts, I sometimes post things that I didn't even write: witness the poems I've posted and the lame "Weekend Movie" concept: a direct rip-off of Scott Douglas' "Weekend Funnies" feature.

My attempts at humor are pedestrian, frequently focusing on the prurient, and usually fall flat. There is nary a chuckle, guffaw, or smirk to be found on this site.

This blog has no personality. Usually there's a theme to blogs, but mine comes off as the journal of some angry guy who works in a library. There isn't any motif that runs through the blog. It's all over the place, which shows a shocking lack of professionalism, not to mention the glaring grammatical and spelling errors.

Unless you know me personally, you have no reason to read this blog, and even then, why would you bother? This is yet another vanity blog, as if the world needed another one.

There are plenty of other, more interesting, PROFESSIONAL humor sites that you can visit. Your time is better spent going there than here. I personally recommend Cracked, Jim Goad‘s site, Christian Humorist, and The Best Page in the Universe.

This site may very well go the way of my last two sites, Love, God, Sex, and Burgers and The Self-Help Review! Both were rarely updated and eventually abandoned. I have since recycled some of the material on those sites for other posts, which further shows my lack of interest in your entertainment.

There is nothing original on this blog. Even this post, which is specifically telling you to leave the site because of its boring content, has probably already been done by someone else, and better.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Librarians Should Never Become Poets

Theophile Marzials wrote what is considered to be the worst poem ever written in the English language: "A Tragedy." He also happened to be a librarian, and according to the book Very Bad Poetry, he "once interrupted a hushed library room by loudly declaiming: 'Am I not the darling of the British Museum Reading Room?'" Anyhow, as a service to anyone who works at a library, here's the poem. Go forth and write, for the bottom has already been reached, and there's nowhere to go but up.

A Tragedy

Death!
Plop.
The barges down in the river flop.
Flop, plop.
Above, beneath.
From the slimy branches the grey drips drop,
As they scraggle black on the thin grey sky,
Where the black cloud rack-hackles drizzle and fly
To the oozy waters, that lounge and flop
On the black scrag piles, where the loose cords plop,
As the raw wind whines in the thin tree-top.
Plop, plop.
And scudding by
The boatmen call out hoy! and hey!
All is running water and sky,
And my head shrieks – "Stop,"
And my heart shrieks – "Die."
My thought is running out of my head;
My love is running out of my heart,
My soul runs after, and leaves me as dead,
For my life runs after to catch them -- and fled
They all are every one! – and I stand, and start,
At the water that oozes up, plop and plop,
On the barges that flop
And dizzy me dead.I might reel and drop.
Plop.
Dead.
And the shrill wind whines in the thin tree-top
Flop, plop.
A curse on him.
Ugh! yet I knew – I knew --
If a woman is false can a friend be true?
It was only a lie from beginning to end --
My Devil – My "Friend"
I had trusted the whole of my living to!
Ugh; and I knew!
Ugh!
So what do I care,
And my head is empty as air --
I can do,
I can dare,
(Plop, plop
The barges flop
Drip drop.)
I can dare! I can dare!
And let myself all run away with my head
And stop.
Drop.
Dead.
Plop, flop.

Plop.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Roland's Weekend Movie

I thought it would be a "neat" idea to occasionally post a full-length film here, like I did last week with that 8 minute epic Batman film. So, here's 1928's "The Passion Of Joan Of Arc." There's no soundtrack, since apparently the original film did not have one. It's famous for Falconetti's performance as Joan, which is pretty goddamn powerful. It's a much better "passion" film that Mel Gibson's S & M Jesus flick that came out years ago.

Incidentally, I saw "The Passion Of the Christ" as a date film. The date went very well, even if the courtship didn't.

Here's the film. Enjoy!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Cheesy poetry

There's a book out called "Very Bad Poetry." I used to write some bad poetry, and I have a sick fascination with seeing what kind of shit other people put out. Here's a great one about cheese. Enjoy!


Ode on the Mammoth Cheese

We have seen the Queen of cheese,
Laying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze --
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you'll go
To the great Provincial Show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees --
Or as the leaves upon the trees --
It did require to make thee please,
And stand unrivalled Queen of Cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to send you off as far as
The great World's show at Paris.

Of the youth -- beware of these --
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek; then songs or glees
We could not sing o' Queen of Cheese.

We'rt thou suspended from baloon,
You'd cast a shade, even at noon;
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.

James McIntyre

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ah, those wacky Dems.


I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but I have a special hatred set aside for the Dems since, allegedly, they "own" my vote. See, I was one of the people who voted for Nader in 2000, and who get blamed for handing the election over to Bush. First of all, I truly did not give a shit whether or not Bush or Gore won. They were both douchebags, and I didn't want to waste my vote on them. I had the silly notion that, you know, my vote MATTERED. Everyone who sits around bitching about how we lost a potentially great president is forgetting how lame a candidate Al Gore was...so lame that he lost his home state to Bush, and that he picked as a running mate the loathsome Joe Lieberman. Anyhow, the next election rolled around, I followed the primaries, and I said to myself, "If John Kerry gets the nomination, I will not vote for this party." Well, we all know how that turned out, and I voted for Nader once again.

So here we are, with the Bush administration coming to an end. I will vote for neither Obama or McCain, even though I think both of them are fine people and would do a decent job in office. My issue is that I will never, for as long as I live, vote for either of these parties. Everyone can say that third parties are a waste of a vote, but the people who say this obviously hate America and especially hate Democracy. The funniest shit I've seen on the Democratic side, though, is that people are STILL saying that Nader might cost them the election. Excuse me, if anyone's gonna ruin their shit, it's The Notorious B.I.T.C.H. Hillary Clinton. Her supporters are the retards who plan on giving McCain the White House and loudly proclaim how much they hate Obama and that Hillary should have won. The Democrats are an embarrassment. And they deserve my vote? Shiiiiit.


Apparently Joseph Lieberman is going to speak at the GOP convention. This is interesting since this was the man who was running with Jesus Christ, excuse me, Al Gore in 2000. Hmmm...and this was the ticket that deserved my vote, huh?

Democrats? Republicans? FUCK 'EM. Once again, I'm voting for the Arab.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Batman & Boner



For those of you who just can't get enough Batman, here's a delightful fan-made Batman film. It's called Batman: Dead End, and it came out in 2003.

This is a surprisingly well-made short, and is definately a cut above your typical fanboy douchery. Best of all, it has two Z-Grade stars in it: one is fitness numbnuts Clark Bartram, author of "You Too Can Be a Fitness Model." If you watch Penn & Teller's Bullshit!, you'll recognize him from the episode on bodybuilding. The other is Andrew Koenig, best known to people who grew up in the 80s as "Boner" from TV's Growing Pains.



This short is only around 8 minutes long, and somehow crams Batman, the Joker, the Alien from the "Alien" franchise, and Predator all together. For comic book dorks, this is nirvana, and I highly recommend watching it. Bartram does a pretty good Batman, which isn't hard considering all you need to do when playing Batman is be buff and talk in a low, growly way. Boner's Joker was also pretty good, and now the debate begins: Who was the better Joker, Heath or Boner? You decide!

Let's Hear It For Bombast!

Here are a couple of the greatest songs ever written...if you're into this sort of thing. Enjoy!



Friday, August 15, 2008

Women Who Don't Want Lloyd Dobler

Hoodrats

Middle Eastern Women

Hillbilly women

Older women

Sunday, August 10, 2008

We Are Not Your Babysitters


Attention parents: We at the library love your children, and we want them to come as often as possible. We offer storytime programs, activities, computer games, special craft days, and some branches even have toys available for kids to play with. We think that the younger your kids are when they start reading, the smarter they'll be when they grow up and enter the workforce, and we fully encourage their active participation in every kid-oriented program we have to offer. The more often you bring your kids, the better it is for all involved.

We are not, however, your babysitters, and you really do need to take care of your children. As safe as we would like the library to be, the simple fact of the matter is that undesirables do come into the library on a regular basis, and the way some of you neglect your children makes it easy pickings for any deranged pervert who decides to try their hand at child abduction. In fact, in the years I have worked at the library, I have seen the following:

A man who would expose himself to young girls in the juvenile section. He was a regular, and by every indication he seemed like a normal, fairly attractive man. None of us would have guessed how disgusting this man would be, and on that fateful day when he was caught exposing himself, he left the library handcuffed with his member hanging out.

A trashy person who used the camera on his laptop to film little kids while he sat at a short distance away, seeming to mind his own business.

Mentally challenged men following little girls around and striking up conversations with them, making inappropriate motions and touching them. The sad fact is that the caregivers for these people are usually no better than the parents of some of these neglected children, and when the two meet dangerous things might happen. We have had more than a few issues with the mentally challenged harassing and/or grabbing patrons.

Middle aged men insisting on using children’s or teen computers, and creating problems when asked to move to adult areas. If they aren’t with their own child, why else would they insist on using a computer while being surrounded by them?

The worst of the bunch was a man who would come into the library with a briefcase filled with coloring books. He would collect pictures of kids and keep them in his wallet, and was able to keep up a charade of being a "family friend" by somehow obtaining photos of young girls and showing them to the staff to prove that he knew the kids. The girls were usually scared and would go along with it, until finally the cops came and arrested this scumbag.

I bring all this up not to scare you away from the library, but as a warning. If you're a good parent, it might be hard to believe this, but a shocking number of parents will leave their children completely unattended in the kid's room and go off to use the internet elsewhere. Under these circumstances, it is very easy for some creep to just come up and kidnap a child without the parent even knowing about it until their computer session finally ends. There are at least two children that I see frequently, around four years old, who are regularly left completely alone while their parent is on the computer in a room that is as far from their child as the kitchen in a restaurant is to the bathroom. They aren’t even left with an older sibling who is watching after them. The parent just assumes that, since the librarian is nearby, nothing will happen to their child. This is idiotic, and not good parenting. I'm sick of seeing these neglected kids, and I wish that someone at some point in these people‘s lives would have sat them down and taught them the basics of parenting.

An old boss of mine referred to the library as "pedophile paradise," and they weren't far from the truth. People just leave their kids in the library and assume that, among our other duties, library workers will look after their children and make sure that nothing happens to them. We are not paid to be babysitters, and we don't just sit at a desk all day with nothing else to do but watch someone's child. This is a dangerous way to think, and parents need to be a little less neglectful of their children in the library.

So please, if you bring your kids to the library, make sure they're with you at all times. Don't just keep it on good faith that they'll stay put and not walk away with a stranger. The library is a safe place, but there are creeps everywhere, and you're not helping matters by basically giving one of these scumbags a golden opportunity to walk off with your child.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Scale Of Stupidity


The word "stupid" gets thrown around easily, but "stupid" is a bit broad, and throughout the ages there have been some choice words to peg degrees of stupidity. The best words come from the field of science concerning severe mental retardation and even group think. Yes, I know that everyone already knows the following words, but they were, at one point, scientific, and my goal is to bring those meanings back.

Idiot

IQ: 0-25

A GREAT word which has lost practically all of its punch due to over-use. This scientific word was used to refer to someone with the mental age of two years or less, and who needed pretty much round-the-clock care. The replacement word is "profound mental retardation," which admittedly has an impressive ring to it.

Best if saved for: People who do things that are so incredibly stupid that no person over two would do them, such as sticking paper clips in electrical sockets or eating at Carl's Jr.

Imbecile

IQ: 26-50

Less stupid than an idiot, but not quite as bright as a moron, an imbecile is the more mediocre breed of dumb-ass. Yes, an imbecile is still quite stupid, but there is some sign of potential that may make life more bearable for those who take care of him. Some have achieved a degree of success, and famous examples include Paris Hilton, David Arquette, and Jim Breuer.

Best if saved for: Drunks, mid-drifts, mooks, and those who philosophize about smoking pot.

Moron

IQ: 51-70

The smartest dumb people you can meet. The word comes from the Greek "moros," or "dull." The mental age for these loveable chaps is between 8 and 12, and they are much easier to deal with than those less fortunate. In the UK they were legally known as "feeble-minded," an expression which still has some bite if you choose to use it. These people are now considered mildly retarded, and spotting them is a bit trickier than you'd expect. The revelation usually occurs after a couple minutes of conversation, and getting away from these folks may be a wee bit more difficult than expected.

Best if saved for: Political friends.

Cretin

The oldest term for a person with "developmental disabilities" is cretin. The best part about this word? It comes from an old French word meaning "Christian." According to Wikipedia, "The implication was that people with significant intellectual or developmental disabilities were 'still human' (or 'still Christian') and deserved to be treated with basic human dignity." The word was later expanded into "Cretinism," which was the term used for congenital hypothyroidism. I would post an image so you'd get an idea of what I'm talking about, but that's pretty fucked up, even for me.

Best if saved for: Lumpy people with open mouths and lost expressions.

Mongoloid

A deliciously racist expression, this one came from John Langdon Down's classic book Observations on the Ethnic Classification of Idiots (1866). We know now that idiots come in all colors, but back in the day Down suspected that those who had a certain form of retardation looked suspiciously like our friends to the east. Those who had what became known as Down syndrome sometimes had epicanthic (Asian) eye folds, which led Down to the conclusion that these poor folks were an evolutionary degeneration from the Caucasoid ideal. In retaliation for this screamingly offensive theory, the Asian community responded by banning Down from Benihana and P.F. Chang's.

Best if saved for: Any friend with an unusually large Sanrio collection or, if you're a real prick, someone with Down syndrome.