Thursday, July 31, 2008

Your Lyrics Are Dumb Like The Linoleum Floor!

When people listen to songs, the last thing they pay attention to is what's being said. A song can be complete goddamn gibberish, and no one will care as long as it's catchy and has a good beat. In fact, one of the catchiest songs I've ever heard is "Informer" by Snow, a song that no one fucking understands, aside from the "licky boom boom now" part. I know that pop music is supposed to have insipid lyrics and that's just the nature of the beast, but it is nice when there's something of note being said, especially by "important" musicians. So, here's a short series of lyrics which, for some reason or another, really bug the living shit out of me. I'll be making my typical asshole comments for each.

"Get nasty, get naughty and if you want to crack a forty
But don't drink it if you're drivin', word 'em up y'all, I ain't jivin'"
2 In A Room, "Wiggle It"

"Wiggle It" was one of those dance songs from the early 90s which sound very, very gay to modern ears, much like anything else that might find it's way onto a "Jock Jams" album. I have no problem with most of the lyrical content of this song, since it belongs to the good old days of "ain't nuthin' but a party, y'all!" rap songs. Why I question this particular lyric is because it is so fucking out of place. I mean, there was no need for a public service announcement in the middle of a party song. Besides, if people are out there wiggling it and dancing their asses off, the last thing they need is some prick telling them not to drink and drive, thus ruining the party.

"Suck, baby suck
To a CD of Chuck, Berry Chuck....woo hoo!"
Serge Gainsbourg, "Suck Baby Suck"

I'm going to state right here that Serge Gainsbourg is one of my favorite musicians, and that the vast majority of his lyrics are fantastic. This little song comes from his last album, and lacks any form of subtlety whatsoever. Most of his songs have clever wordplay, and things, even in English, mean something other than what it appears to be on the surface. Not so with this song. This song is about getting a blow job, and suggestions on what to listen to or watch while getting it. It's probably the most lyrically empty song in his entire catalog, next to his reggae song with nothing but fart sounds as the "lyrics." That said, this is also one of my favorite songs of his, because the joke has still never gotten old, and I always laugh when I hear his heavy French accent slurring out "suck babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, suck."

"Now you see this one-eyed midget
Shouting the word 'NOW'
And you say, 'For what reason?'
And he says, 'How?'
And you say, 'What does this mean?'
And he screams back, 'You're a cow
Give me some milk
Or else go home'"
Bob Dylan, "Ballad Of A Thin Man"

I love Bob Dylan, I really do. And I wish this came from one of his later shitty albums. But no, this is from a classic Dylan song on my favorite album of his, "Highway 61 Revisited." Dylan fans are probably the most obnoxious, arrogant assholes out there, and I still don't know who's worse...them or Beatles fans. So, if you're a Dylan fan and you see this, PLEASE don't waste my time by trying to explain how this lyric is "brilliant," or how I'm not "getting it." It's a stupid fucking lyric, and it's pretty damn clear that Dylan was running out of shit to say in this song and was basically just trying to come up with words that ended in an "ow" sound.

"There you go
Wielding a bicycle chain
Oh, why won't you change ?
Change and be nicer ?"
Morrissey, "Such A Little Thing Makes Such A Big Difference"

There are many, MANY songs by Morrissey or The Smiths that I could have put here. This one has a special spot in my heart because of the strong reaction I had when I first heard it. No matter how good his other lyrics are, they are matched by a seemingly endless abyss of whining bullshit. This is probably the first time a song lyric ever made me stop what I was doing and loudly exclaim, "you gotta be fucking kidding me." My last comment on Morrissey and The Smiths is the following: I find it highly disturbing for anyone older than 21 to just start listening to this music and be touched by it. This stuff only works for teens or very immature adults. Someone who got into Morrissey as a teen has every right to still buy his albums at 40, but someone who's 40 and all of a sudden becomes a huge fan should really seek some help.

"Blame it on Ice Cube; because he said it gets
funky when you got a subject and a predicate"
N.W.A., "Express Yourself"

And here comes the rap. This one's actually pretty clever, but I have to bring it up just because how fucking lame it is to bust out grammar vocabulary in a gangsta rap song.

"If it aint another ho that I gots ta fuck with
Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dicks gots to fit
With my nuts on ya tonsils"
Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, "Fuck With Dre Day"

OK, so how big does someone's cock have to be to fit in-between the gap in someone's teeth? Bonus points for the surreal "nuts on ya tonsils" line.

"Around the drive in
If you say you watch the movie you're a couple o' liars
And 'Remember only you can prevent forest fires'"
The Beach Boys, "Drive-In"

Why???? And yes folks, Mike Love, the asshole member of The Beach Boys, actually sued to get his name included as a lyric writer for songs such as this one. I hope you're proud of your opus there, Mike. Since taken out of context this doesn't make sense, let me explain how it's sung. When the "forest fires" line rolls along, the singer drops into a retarded Smokey The Bear voice, mimicking a public service announcement which is presumably playing while the teens are fucking at the Drive-In. The problem is, even when you hear the song, THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE. It's just randomly thrown out there. I know, I know, it was a throwaway filler track. But still, it's notable because someone sued for the writing credit on this song.

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand"
The Beatles, "I Want To Hold Your Hand"

I had to take a shot at The Beatles, simply because of the god-like status of these limey twats. Even when they got "serious," their lyrics were still just OK. It was a tough choice between this one and "Love Me Do," but this one wins out just because I've heard this one played at clubs more.

"Your lyrics are dumb like the linoleum floor"
Le Tigre, "Deceptacon"

I could have posted the entire song here. The song is insidiously catchy, but when you listen to the words, you become instantly embarrassed and stop dancing. This is the ultimate shitty song lyric, since it's criticizing someone else's shitty song lyrics. I like this band and used to dance to their songs a lot, but fuck is this horrible. My girlfriend respects bands that write their own songs, but maybe some of them really need to give that job to someone outside the band and concentrate on the ass-shaking music instead.


cherrybomb said...

For a second there I thought Surf music was pretty exempt from the bad lyrics category, but then I remembered "Surfer Joe." :(

├sofía┴┬┤ said...

"Oh My God" by "A Tribe Called Quest"

"One for the treble, two for the bass
You know my style Tip, now watch me rip this
I like my beats harder than two day old shit
Steady eatin' booty MCs like cheese grits

Now, that's some straight-up weed (laced with pcp) lyrics.