Thursday, May 8, 2008

Tips For Dealing With The End Of The World

We all know that the world's going to end in 2012, and anyone who denies it is probably a know-nothing douchebag using "rational thought." With only a handful of years left before we all die, I thought it would be appropriate to give everyone some helpful tips on what to do before our immanent death arrives. If you actually want to know why the world's going to end, here are a short list of reasons, yanked from the back cover of a new book on the subject, "Apocalypse 2012: A Scientific Investigation into Civilization's End" by Lawrence E. Joseph:

• We’re a million years over due for a mass extinction.

• The sun at radiation minimum is acting much worse than at solar maximum, and one misdirected spewing of plasma could fry us in an instant.

• The magnetic field—which shields us from harmful radiation—is developing a mysterious crack.

• Our solar system is entering an energetically hostile part of the galaxy.

• The Yellowstone supervolcano is getting ready to blow, and if it does, we can look forward to nuclear winter and 90 percent annihilation.

• The Maya, the world’s greatest timekeepers ever, say it’s all going to stop on December 21, 2012.

Those are direct quotes from the back of the book, and I see no reason for this man to lie. So deal with it folks...we're all gonna die soon. Here are my suggestions for making the most out of the next few years:

1: Delete your Myspace account and go make real friends.

I respect using Myspace as a way to score some tail or annoy your 5,000 friends with bulletins about why you're happy today, but isn't about time you got off the fucking computer and went outside? Or how about going to a party, a club, a diner, an amusement park, and NOT talking about Myspace or hooking up your laptop because you may have new picture comments? I was at a party once, and a group of people were huddled around a computer, looking at shit on Myspace. I'm not a violent man, but I thought they all deserved to have the shit kicked out of them.

2: Fuck as many people as you want, but still use protection.

I know that we're gonna die soon, but look at the facts. If you fuck a bunch of people and catch an STD, your stamina will go down, your health will prevent you from doing all kinds of other things, and those puss-filled gooey gaps on your privates will repel anyone who has sight. If you're fine with strictly fucking blind folks, then do whatever you want. Personally, if a girl were to pass the Belly Button Test and I'd go downtown and see oozing sores down there, I'd call it a night and go home to beat off.

3: Don't waste your time praying.

God knows a bullshitter. If you're not already a person of God and have lived a good life, don't start now. You're already going to hell. Enjoy sinning.

4: People of God...don't stop now.

You've spent your lives being good, avoiding temptation, and praying. You have only a few years left to collect your prize. Resist the temptations of the flesh!

5: Travel.

Aren't you fucking tired of looking at the same people in the same goddamn town every day? Isn't about time you found out how nice the French really are, or see if you can take a tour through Nigeria without getting AIDS? I'm sure flying's gonna be a bitch because everyone's gonna be doing it now, but that shouldn't stop you from seeing some of the world before it explodes.

6: Get over your petty bullshit.

Being committed to staying mad at your best friend because they fucked a girl or guy that you KINDA liked is beyond retarded. Get over your anger and let it go already. When everyone's dead you're gonna feel really stupid that you wasted so much time holding a grudge over something that didn't matter. Oh wait...you won't feel stupid, because you'll be dead. Nevermind. If it makes you happy, stay angry.

7. Stop being so goddamn scared of things.

Many people, myself include, absolutely refuse to do something because the results might possibly disrupt the nice comfortable bubble that they live in. Hey jerk-off, that bubble's gonna pop real nice and pretty, and soon. What the hell are you holding on to? Besides, one of the greatest feelings in the world is actually doing something that used to make you shit in your pants. Go jump out of a plane or something if that's what you've been wanting to do. And hey, if you splatter on the ground, don't worry about it...everyone else is gonna be joining you in a few years.

8. Eat more meat, smoke more cigarettes, drink more booze.

If you like the taste of meat, cigarettes, and booze, that is. If there's one thing I hate, it's a half-assed vegetarian. "Oh, I don't eat cow, but I eat fish." Yeah, the cow's happy, but you obviously don't give two shits about the fish, which isn't doing too well with your empty gesture. I also hate people who self-righteously won't smoke or drink anymore, even though before they made this new "lifestyle decision" they were lapping up liquor and sucking down smokes like it was on the cusp of going out of style, WHICH IT DID. And speaking of going out of fashion:

9. Stop putting so much importance on your clothes.

Believe me, except for you and your shallow asshole friends, nobody cares "who" you're wearing. If a loud "God Bless America" T-shirt is something that you actually like, then why the hell don't you wear the damn thing? Enjoy wearing a ratty pair of shoes, but won't wear them out because your toes stick out the sides? Slip those puppies on and start paintin' the town! You know that deep down you're tacky. Stop trying to hide it.

10. Accomplish nothing.

There you sit, alone in your bedroom, clacking away on your keyboard, trying to write the script for a film which will surely be a cinematic milestone. Or maybe you're studying some incredibly difficult business problem, something that you don't really enjoy doing but your parents convinced you that you needed to do years ago, when they were still alive. Every work of art, every masterpiece of literature, every euphoric piece of music ever committed to paper is going to crinkle, blacken, and crumble into dust along with the rest of us in 2012. So, as with everything else, if you enjoy doing it, continue on. But if you're only working on something because of some vague obligation, you really need to let that shit go.

People have been predicting the end of the world ever since they realized that there was a world and that we were living on it. Life is short, getting shorter every second, and now is not the time to sit back and put everything off. Don't you people get it? The world is going to end very, very soon. Start doing things! Make some moves! In fact, what the hell are you doing reading blogs at a time like this? GET OFF THE COMPUTER. Go ride a shopping cart down a steep hill or whatever it is you do for kicks. You'll thank me later.

If you do thank me please do so before 2012 since, you know, we'll all be dead then.

2 comments:

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