Wednesday, May 14, 2008

McDonald's New Attempt at Flavor Yet Another Failure

McDonalds has proven throughout the years what a scummy, asshole-laden company it is, from shutting down some of their locations when their workers dared to form unions, to suing two Brits who handed out anti-McDonalds leaflets. While I loved it as a child, I am an adult now, and their food is average at best, filled with questionable ingredients and served with a shit presentation. The only good things they serve are their dipped ice cream cones and coffee, and I'm pretty sure that even those items are filled with feces and bugs. I remember as a child eating their McNuggets, and almost every goddamn time I ate them there was always at least one nugget that was half gristle. The Gristle Test is my new bar for testing if a place is good or not. If I bite into a chicken sandwich or nugget and have to spit out a blob of gristle, then I know that "choice cuts" aren't going into the food.

McDonalds has finally done something which is beyond despicable for me. I know that they have no shame, and that every single person who works for this company is a prick son-of-a-bitch asshole, but this time they have gone too far. They completely ripped off my favorite fast food place, Chick-fil-A, and have started serving what they call their "Southern Style Chicken Sandwich." Not only did they rip off Chick-fil-A's two signature sandwiches, but they're even going so far as ripping off the same fucking ad campaign for the breakfast biscuit sandwich. I eat at Chick-fil-A regularly, as one can tell by my ever-expanding ass, and I am quite familiar with how they advertise their food. The "HOLY SHIT! Chicken for breakfast??? Who'd have thunk it???" ad campaign is one that they've been doing ever since I started eating there, and I was horrified to see these McDouchebags doing THE SAME EXACT SHIT. Absolutely fucking shameless.

By the way, I've tried this new sandwich, and it's OK, if you like the taste of a fat man's asshole after he's spent half an hour on a treadmill eating a bag of Ruffles. Also, this piece of shit sandwich failed The Gristle Test, and I had to spit out parts of it before I could finish. This has never been a problem with Chick-fil-A, since their sandwiches seem to be made out of real chickens, and not mutated retard chickens which are torn to shreds and mashed together into some bullshit lump of "meat," probably containing beaks, claws, and rodents. The difference between the Chick-fil-A sandwich and the McFil-A "sandwich" is similar to the difference between Marilyn Monroe and Lindsay Lohan. One of them's the real thing, the other is a disease-infested whore trying to get a few extra bucks by imitating the real thing.

The Classic, Delicious Chick-fil-A Sandwich

McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich

All this anger over a sandwich? You're goddamn right. I have fond memories attached to this place, from the free Christmas photo taken with the "Santa Cow," to the delightful weekends passed eating these tasty treats while talking about my dreams and ambitions with the love of my life. This place is special to me, in a way that McDonalds will never be. Fuck you, Ronald McDonald. I hope the Chick-Fil-A cows take turns smashing your skull open with their hooves, and end with a bukkake scene that would make even the most depraved tramp turn their head in disgust.


LL said...

Here's the worst part: Very few Southern Californians (where I'm at) have heard of Chik-fil-a, and so everyone around here is going "Genius ad campaign!" 'cause they just don't know any better.

Thanks for being brave enough to point out the difference.

Eat Mo Chikin!

cherrybomb said...

My hunch is that this "new" southern-style chicken sandwich that McDonalds is introducing (um, ripping-off) will eventually peter out. Those who KNOW chicken will continue to have REAL "southern" chicken sandwiches at Chick-fil-A, while those who don't care for taste, will continue to chow down on the other cheap, value-menu crap that McDonalds has to offer.

├sofía┴┬┤ said...

It’s bad enough that you called those poor mutated chickens “retards” but to compare them to Lindsay Lohan? SO…NOT…COOL!
Those Foster Farms costume chickens are cleaner, smarter (they can drive), and sexier than any said Hollywood tramp.
Look at me, you have me making out these horrible food corporations seem somewhat humaine. God, I hate you, Roland.

And, FUCK YOU! Thanks for ruining bread for me, with that vile photo.

Please, try to refrain from the chicken fucker jokes.

Love, Your best friend

Scott Douglas said...

You sir, have the foulest mouth I've ever seen. I can't believe they let you read books to little children during storytime. You have let Laura Bush down, and as such you have let America down.

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