You Close Your Eyes and Hope That This is Just Imagination

Imagine the following scene: a school-age boy, notebook in hand, staring at a TV set. He has the remote in his hand and keeps rewinding and watching certain parts of a video, then scribbling down notes. A closer inspection of the notebook shows several ovals with arrows going from one to another, with words like “slide” and “step” written next to the lines. He sets down the notebook, stands up, and tries to move his feet in the fashion he described. Seeing that it is not going to his liking, he grabs the remote and rewinds the video, watching a small fragment again. He practices again. He sits back down, frustrated, and writes more notes, watches the video some more, and finally gives up.

The video was “Thriller,” and the boy was me. I was a huge Michael Jackson fan as a kid, and my interest only died out, sadly along with a lot of other people, when his HIStory album came out. I loved Dangerous and Bad, and I still think Off the Wall is one of the best disco albums ever made. His videos floored me, and even when I didn’t like the songs, I always loved his videos. Fuck, I even watched that piece of shit Eddie Murphy video “Whatzupwitu” because Jackson was in the goddamn thing. I remember what an event, yes, a fucking EVENT it was when he was interviewed by Oprah. I watched that shit like a teenage girl watching Twilight. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. “Oh, so you have a crazy skin disease? That explains everything!”

Then all that child molestation bullshit happened. I remember how quickly everyone turned against him, including myself. There were jokes such as “What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common? Both have little boy’s pants half off!” I’m not going to deny that I thought he was a sick man, but his personal life didn’t make Thriller less of an album. His songs are still great, and nothing was going to change that.

The biggest shock about this to me is that he was so young. Only 50, and the fucker was still dancing his ass off. How the hell does this happen?
This is big. This is fucking Elvis big. No entertainer in recent memory has had the kind of impact and widespread appeal of Michael Jackson. I doubt that there was going to be any kind of comeback, but he didn’t need one. His musical reputation was untouchable.

I can’t say that I’ve been that big of a fan of his in recent years, but this has strangely hit me. Random patrons at my library approached me and said “did you hear about Michael Jackson?” A woman asked me if we had a TV in the library, and I did not think it was a dumb question. According to someone from another library, a woman ran out of a children’s program screaming when she found out. As for me, I found out when some teen volunteers were talking about it while signing in. I checked the news story and it just mentioned that he had a heart attack, so my initial reaction was “stupid teens always fucking blow this shit out of proportion.” A bit later, I checked Google news again, and it was confirmed. I was shocked, and so was everyone else. As I was leaving, a coworker walked in and asked if I heard the news. I said “yes,” but as she walked past me she had this look on her face that I had never seen before. It really looked like she was holding back tears.

Michael Jackson was known during the last years of his life as a freak, but I always liked what Dave Chappelle said about it. He said that whatever he did, he did it for us. He thought that by turning himself into this ghoulish thing, we would like him more. Then Dave said “thank you” to Michael, and that he appreciated it. I don’t know if anyone will know why he did what he did, but it really, really blows not having him around anymore. This gets thrown around a lot, but it fully applies: there has never been anyone like Michael Jackson.

I’m going to miss him.

The Greatest Music Videos of All Time

There are fewer things more annoying that a blog full of YouTube videos. However, YouTube has proven to be a fantastic resource for some mind-blowing music videos that the public may otherwise never have seen. Now, YouTube users are typically jackasses with no taste, so some of these videos have titles like "Worst Video Ever!" That's entirely subjective, however, and I have had an endless amount of entertainment from the following videos. Some of these are well-known internet memes, while others I found on Cracked.com message board. They are all worth viewing, and will change your life. Prepare to shit in your pants with joy, because these songs are going to rock something loose inside you.

The Conundrum of Film Series

Why is it that in many films series, the second part is by far the best film? I was thinking about this while looking up information on the Star Trek films, and seeing that the vast majority of fans agree that Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan is the best film of the series. Here’s a list of films that most people agree are better than the first:

The Dark Knight
Terminator 2, Judgement Day
Aliens (I disagree, but only because I love the horror aspect of the original)
Toy Story 2
The Empire Strikes Back
Shrek 2
Spiderman 2
Superman 2
Evil Dead 2 (VERY hard for me to pick this over part one, but I must concur that it is a better film)
Dawn of the Dead (Almost impossible to pick this over NOTLD, but I understand why people do, even if I don’t)
Godfather 2
Bride of Frankenstein
X Men 2

I think Batman Returns was MUCH better than the first Batman film, but a lot of people are split on this one. Same with Addams Family Values. Another one that people split on is Gremlins, but there is no way in hell that part 2 was better than the first one, no matter how great it was.

Another interesting thing that I’ve noticed is that after making a fantastic second film, everything starts going down the shitter with the third film. The following films are outright HATED by people:

Alien 3
Superman 3
Spiderman 3
Return of the Jedi
Godfather 3
X Men 3

This isn’t always the case, but usually a crappy third act is typical in a film series, with an even worse fourth film (Batman & Robin, Superman 4) coming right after. Now, I loved The Dark Knight, but I firmly believe that the next film is going to be a pile of shit, unless Nolan is able to pull off the miraculous feat of not having a shit third act. I mean, because of how great Raimi did with the first two Spiderman films, I was legitimately shocked at how fucking AWFUL the third one was, and I don’t expect part 4 to be any better. Why does this happen? I mean, I figured that if the same director, same writers, and same crew came back, there’d still be a ton of great stuff to make a movie out of. What’s going on here? Why do film series peak with the second film and go downhill rapidly after the fact?

Roland Saint-Laurent’s Helpful Hints and Tips for Cramming

When it comes to learning, I am one lazy SOB. In fact, right this minute, I should be focusing on similarities between Romance dialects and how Advanced Tongue Root may play a role in the heightening of mid vowels to high. But instead of doing that, I’m sitting here in the library, stubbornly refusing to do my work. In order to give myself some excuse for being unproductive, I’m going to share with you, my faithful reader, my advice for cramming a ton of info in your head for exams and whatnot. I started using this technique two years ago and the results were pretty damn impressive.

1: Write your notes by hand. NO TYPING.

This may not be entirely necessary, but it sure as hell worked for me. I found that when I had to write a ton of notes from my textbook by hand, I was forced to slow down, due to my hand cramping up all the time. The side effect was that by slowing down, more of the information seeped into my head, without me even noticing it until I went back to my notes. Now, I don’t do this all the time, and sometimes I cheat and just type some of it up, but the stuff I wrote by hand stuck with me longer than the stuff I just typed up.

2: Read the summary first.

This one will be familiar to anyone who’s ever tried learning about learning. When you read the summary, you get a nice outline of what the chapter is going to be about, and the key points are right there for you to watch out for when you go back to read the chapter. This really only works if your textbook has a GOOD summary and not some crappy three-sentence one that I’ve come across lately.

3. Read the chapters aloud.

This one’s a real pain to actually finish, but damn does it work. I tried this with my painfully dull Nonverbal Communication text, and the information stuck better than when I just read it silently. Again, this probably has to do with slowing down to digest everything, but it gets results and I think everyone should do it, especially with those ridiculously dense texts that you start getting saddled with as a grad student.

4. Record your notes and prepare to go insane.

I don’t remember where I heard about this trick, but it is by far the best of the lot. You’re going to need a ton of patience to do it, but if you’re anything like me, the results will definitely be worth the trouble. Get every single one of your notes and put them in a decent order. If you don’t have enough notes, grab your text and write down more. If you are lucky enough to have a study guide, go to town and write down everything mentioned on it. Fire up your computer and load any sound recording program that you have. Grab your microphone and record yourself reading every single note you have. Don’t just stop at the notes: read the chapter summaries, definitions to any terms that you’re having trouble with, anything that you know you’re going to need to know. Don’t leave anything out. Once you have it all recorded, either burn it to a CD or upload it into your MP3 player. Now listen to it until your ears bleed. Listen in the car, listen while going out for a walk, listen while doing random crap around your room. Even if you have it playing as “background music,” occasionally you will hear bits of info and start remembering them. Yes, you will get sick of hearing yourself, but that’s what you want. At some point your brain is just going to get fed up and let everything ooze in. I remember things better when I hear them, and when I hear something over and over and over again, it’s much easier to recall.

Another thing you’ll notice when you’ve been listening to your notes…if you go back and actually read the chapter again, you’re going to fly through it because you already know everything. You’ll be hearing yourself talk about it in your head, and whatever you forgot to jot down will be easily added to this knowledge, like an ornament.

Here’s my attempt to explain why this works: You’re bombarding yourself with information in three different ways. You’re reading the text, you’re writing the notes, and you’re listening to the information that you wrote down. Nothing takes the place of having a professor there to explain it to you, but if you’re working on this alone, this is a great way to stimulate the senses.

Those are my handy-dandy tips for cramming. Feel free to add your own, if you care to.

Aww, Leftovers Again?

As brilliant as Disney was in their early years, they were always known for recycling. Whether it be older fairy tales, jokes, plastic cells, what have you, they always reused what they could. Here's a great video that I found on The Daily Dish which demonstrates how Disney reused scenes from their older films for newer ones. The main culprit appear to be Robin Hood, which was one of their most uninspired outings. I wonder just how much of this is going on in their films that people haven't caught onto yet?

Watch Disney Templates and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Fun With Writing Prompts

"Your friend tells you he can pick up any girl at the bar, no matter what he says. You bet him $100 he can't. Create the world's worst pick up line and send your friend off into the crowd. What happens?"
--- Taken from Writer's Digest.

Periwinkle and Enrique were at a bar together, joking about the various women that they've been with. The subject came about due to an uncomfortable rash that Periwinkle had for the past two weeks, and these two rapscallions were trying to figure out the source. Enrique was particularly interested, mainly due to the fact that he took a great deal of pride in having his way with women after Periwinkle, and was nervous that a rash was right around the corner for him.

Enrique lifted his glass of Chianti and suggested that the bar was "dead," and that these two Lotharios may be better serviced at another bar. Periwinkle countered with the following:

"Tsk tsk! I thought you would have more nerve than that! Speak for yourself, fellow, for I, Periwinkle, can ravish any fine maiden from New York to Anaheim!"

Enrique slid his hand into his pocket and eyed Periwinkle. "Care to make it interesting?"

He pulled out a wad of rolled hundred dollar bills, and peeled off a $100 note. "I will lay down this hundred note, and say that you cannot have your way with the woman of my choosing."

Periwinkle grinned. "My fellow, your mind seems to have gone the way of your nerve! I will take this wager, and not only will I ravish this maiden, but I will supply the evidence of the fact afterward."

Enrique scanned the bar. Near the corner was a heavily-bosomed woman with pink lipstick, wavy hair, and long legs. Her complexion was that of a fine Colombian coffee, lightened with the sweetest of creams. Dear reader, a look from this maiden would leave not a single dry seat in the room. Lesser men nearby trembled with fear when she looked at them. They purchased her drink after drink, in hopes of receiving a smile. Even the hint of a smile would send tingles from a man's scalp to his nether regions. This was the challenge for Periwinkle.

"Ha!" laughed Periwinkle. "A simple matter. None can resist my charm. Observe, dear brother."

Periwinkle approached this maiden with a strut which brought shame to the other men. He pulled a stool from nearby and sat it directly in front of her. She patted her hair gingerly, wanting to keep it fine for what was coming. She was accustomed to crushing men, and wanted to look good while doing it.

Periwinkle spoke:

"You know, I couldn't help but notice your breasts from across the room. My father, bless his soul, was a cantaloupe grower, and throughout my life I have yearned to suckle a teat which would cause those memories to cascade down my vision, sending waves of euphoria all over my body. Maiden, those breasts of yours are reminiscent of those cantaloupes, and it would be a true honor for me to suckle them."

The woman stared at him, her mouth open slightly. Such words to her have never been spoken. She stood up, and laid her hand upon his arm.

"Let us retire to my van. I have it stationed nearby, and I cannot wait a moment longer. I do not want your name, dear sir, nor any further preliminaries. Let us away!"

Enrique was astounded. He held his glass aloft and said quietly, "Godspeed, young man. You truly are a man to be admired above all others."

Twenty minutes later Periwinkle ran back into the bar with deep scratches covering his face. "That fucking bitch robbed me!"

Enrique dropped his glass. "What the...what the hell happened?"

"She fucking pulled a knife on me and brought me to that ATM down at the 7/11. She made me pull out $300 bucks and then took my wallet! I don't even have my fucking car keys anymore because they fell out of my pocket in her van!"

"Christ, man. Should we call the cops?"

"No...this is embarrassing and I just want to go home. My mom's sick and she doesn't like me being out late."

"Well, damn bro. I'm sorry you didn't get to nail her."

Periwinkle brought his middle and index finger up to Enrique's nose.

"Who says I didn't?"

Blom!

I found this on The Daily Dish. I make lame sound effects all the time, and I hope when I pump out a baby it's as giggly as this one.